March 1964

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04. March 1964 – Another four years

As for me, I only saw one thing: on the morning of the 29th, I woke up ("woke up," I mean "got up") with the consciousness the Vedic Rishis called the "straight consciousness," the one that comes straight from the Lord — the Truth-Consciousness, basically. It was absolutely quiet, calm, but with a sort of super-sensation of an absolute well-being. Well-being, security — yes, a security — an indescribable peace, without the contrast of opposites. And it lasted about three hours, continuously, solidly, effortlessly (I didn't make any effort to keep it). I only had a definite perception that it was what they called the consciousness of truth and immortality, along with a perception (an observation, rather), fairly clear and precise, of the way in which it becomes crookedness (you know their word).

I hadn't tried to have that experience, I hadn't thought about it or anything — it came as something massive, and it stayed. But I had the feeling it was individual: I didn't feel it was something descending on earth. I felt it was something given to me, given to this body. That's why I didn't attach much importance to it. The feeling of a grace given to this body. And it didn't leave till — it hasn't left, but it has been little by little and very slowly veiled by... you know, that chaos of work, which has never been so chaotic and feverish at the same time. For about two weeks, it has been appalling. We haven't come out of it yet. It has veiled that state FOR ME. But I clearly felt it was something GIVEN to this body.

During the meditation on the 29th, I noticed (I looked), I noticed that for about two days, the atmosphere had been full of a sparkling of white stars, like dust — a twinkling dust of white stars. I saw it had been there for three days. And at the time of the meditation, it became extremely intense. But it was widespread, it was everywhere.

There seemed to be nothing but sparkling dots — dots that glittered like diamonds. It was like sparkling diamonds everywhere, absolutely everywhere. And it had a tendency to come from above downward. It lasted not just hours, but days; others saw it (yet I didn't say anything to anyone), others saw it and asked me what it was.

But there was nothing stunning or magnificent or astounding about it: nothing of the kind, nothing spectacular, nothing to give the feeling of a "great experience" — very quiet, but very, very self-assured. Very quiet.

Once it was over, after the balcony, when I came back from the balcony, I said spontaneously, "Very well, then, we'll have to wait another four years." Something in me was expecting... I don't know what, which didn't happen — maybe something that would have created havoc!

It was very quiet, very peaceful — very quiet, especially very quiet, and nothing marvelous or miraculous, nothing of the sort. So I said, "Very well, we'll wait four years, another four years," but for what, I don't know... the something I was expecting and which didn't happen.

But the external, material life had become very difficult — there were 3,000 extra people from outside. So it made a sort of confusion in the atmosphere, which isn't over yet.

(silence)

I heard from some people that a great number of little miracles had occurred, but I didn't listen, it doesn't interest me (people tell me, but my thoughts are elsewhere). It's possible: the atmosphere was highly charged. In people's consciousness, it may result in little phenomena — a number of little phenomena which they call "miraculous," but which to me are childishly simple and elementary: it's just "the way things are."

07. March 1964 – The Ananda of the power of progress

I told you last time that when I returned from the balcony on the 29th, it was as if in my concentration I said to the Lord, "Well, we'll wait another four years." That was the impression. And since then (today is the same day as the 29th, it was just a week ago), everything has been like this (quivering gesture in the atmosphere), like hosts of little promises — but promises that haven't come to fruition, in other words, it's always something that IS to come, something that IS to be, something that IS to be realized; something that's drawing near, but nothing tangible. And last night, when I awoke from my usual concentration (it's almost always at the same time: between midnight and half past midnight), I felt something special in the atmosphere, so immediately I let myself flow into it and made contact with it.

I noticed (I've known it for some time, but it was quite concrete this time) that in my rest, as soon as I am at rest, the body is completely identified with the material substance of the earth, that is to say, the experience of the material substance of the earth becomes its own — which may be expressed by all sorts of things (it depends on the day, on the occasion). I had known for a long time that it was no longer the individual consciousness; it isn't the collective consciousness of mankind: it's a terrestrial consciousness, meaning it also contains the material substance of the earth, including the unconscious substance. Because I have prayed a lot, concentrated a lot, aspired a lot for the transformation of the Inconscient (since it is the essential condition for the "thing" to happen) — because of that there has been a kind of identification.

Last night it became a certainty.

And something began to descend — not "descend": to manifest and permeate; permeate and fill this terrestrial consciousness. What a force it had! What a power!... I had never felt that kind of intensity in the material world. A stability, a power! Everything in the sense of a power, everything in the sense of a thrust forward — a thrust forward: progress, evolution, transformation. Everything like that. As if everything, everything were filled with a power of transformation — not "transformation," not transmutation, I don't know how to explain it.... Not the final transformation that will change the appearance, not that: it was the ananda of progress. The ananda of progress, like the ananda of progress of the animal becoming man, of man becoming superman — it wasn't transformation, it wasn't what will respond to that progress: it was progress. And with a plenitude, a constancy, and No RESISTANCE ANYWHERE: there was no panic anywhere, no resistance anywhere; everything was enthusiastically participating.

It lasted more than an hour.

And with the feeling that it was something unceasing, but that the consciousness [of Mother] was only changing its position because of the necessities of the work. And this change of position took place in a few minutes, quickly enough, without the sense of losing the other experience; it simply remained there, behind, in order for the work to be done outwardly in a normal way, that is, without too abrupt a change. And the consciousness seemed to revert to a sort of superficial bark: it gave me exactly the impression of something hard, rather inert, very artificial, extremely thin, dry, with just an artificial transcription of life — that was the ordinary consciousness, the consciousness that makes you feel you are in a body.

For a very long time the body hasn't felt in the least separate — not in the least. There is even a sort of constant identification with the people around... which at times is troublesome enough, but which I see as a means of action (of control and action). I'll give an example: on the 4th, the last time I saw you, the doctor left for America. He had his lunch here (I told you he was very moved); he was given a sort of little ceremony for his departure. He was sitting on the floor as usual, next to me (I was seated at the table, facing the light), and they served him his lunch; he turned towards me to receive the things. He was in a state of intense emotion (nothing apparent at all; the appearance was very quiet, he didn't say or do anything extraordinary, but inwardly...). At one point I looked at him to encourage him to eat, and our eyes met.... Then there came into me from him such a violent emotion that I almost started sobbing, can you imagine!... And it's always there, in the lower abdomen (really in the abdomen), that this identification with the outside world takes place. There (gesture above the heart center), it dominates; the identification is here (gesture to the abdomen), but the Force dominates (Mother holds up her head); while here (the abdomen), it seems to be still... it's the lower vital, I mean the lower vital OF MATTER, the vital sub-degree OF MATTER. It's on the way to transformation, this is where the work is being done materially. But all those emotions have rather unpleasant repercussions.... Even, when I looked at it in detail, I came to think that there must be something analogous in you; you must be open to certain currents of force in the lower vital, and those kinds of spasms which you get must be the result. So then, the solution — there is only one solution, because immediately I called, I put the Lord's Presence there (gesture to the abdomen), and I saw it was extremely CONTAGIOUS. Because I had received the vibrations, they had entered straight in without meeting any obstacles; so the response had a considerable contagious power — I saw it immediately: I stopped the doctor's vibrations; it took me a few minutes, and everything was back in order again. Then I understood that this opening, this contagion was kept as a means of action — it isn't pleasant for the body (!), but it's a means of action.

It's the same thing with that necessity of returning to the superficial consciousness. In the beginning, in the very beginning, when I identified myself with that pulsation of Love that creates the world, for many days I refused to resume entirely the ordinary, habitual consciousness (to which I was just referring: that sort of surface consciousness which is like bark), I no longer wanted it. That's why I was outwardly so helpless; in other words, I refused to make any decisions (Mother laughs), the others had to decide and do things for me! That's what convinced them that I was extremely ill!

Now I understand all this very well.

At any rate, last night's experience was decisive in that it coordinated all those scattered little promises, all those scattered little advances, and gave a TERRESTRIAL meaning to all those little things that came making a promise of progress here, a promise of consciousness there — all those promises have suddenly been coordinated within a sort of totality on the scale of the earth. I didn't feel it as something crushing in its immensity, not at all: it was still something dominated by my consciousness. A little thing (Mother holds up a ball in her hands), which my consciousness dominated but which was (for the moment) the exclusive object of my concentrations. And when I returned to the external consciousness (there was a moment when I had both consciousnesses at once), then I saw that the supposedly individual or personal consciousness, the consciousness of the body — of the body — was no more than a sort of convention necessary for maintaining contact. With the feeling that a step or two more — not many — will give THE Will (the supreme Will, that is) full power to act on this body.

It [this body] wasn't much more interesting or important than many other bodies — it didn't at all have the sense of its importance. Even, in the overall vision of the Work, its present imperfections were quite simply tolerated, even accepted, not because they are unavoidable, but because the amount of concentration and exclusive attention necessary to change them does not appear to be important enough to stop or reduce the general work. That's how it was... there was a smile for lots of little things. Finally, as for "the Thing" (the great thing from the "artistic" point of view of the material appearance, great too from the point of view of public faith, which only goes by appearances, of course, and which will be convinced only when there is an obvious transformation), it appeared to be, for the moment, at any rate, something secondary and not urgent. But there was a fairly clear perception that soon (how can I put it?) the state of being or way of being (I think they say the "modus vivendi") of the body, of this fragment of terrestrial Matter, could be altered, ruled, entirely driven by the direct Will. Because it was as if ALL the illusions had fallen away one after another, and every time an illusion disappeared it produced one of those little promises that came in succession, announcing something that would come about later. So that prepared the final realization.

When I got up this morning, I had the feeling that a corner had been turned. But not at all — oh, not at all! — a subjective thing, not at all: a corner has been turned FOR THE EARTH. It doesn't matter in the least if people aren't aware of it.

(silence)

Amidst all that — that mass of experience — there was, standing out from the rest, the impression of the gorilla, of the fantastic power of progress that would turn him into a man.... It was very odd, it was an extraordinary physical power, with an intense joy of progress, of the thrust forward, and it made a kind of simian form moving forward towards man. And then it was like something repeating itself in the spiral of evolution: the same brute power, the same vital force (there's no comparison, of course, man has lost all that completely), the fantastic force of life that's found in those animals was coming back into the human consciousness and, probably, into the human form, BUT with all that has been brought by the evolution of Mind (a painful enough detour), and transformed into the light of a higher certitude and a higher peace.

And, you know, it wasn't a thing that came, diminished and came back again, it wasn't like that. It was... an immensity, a full, solid, ESTABLISHED immensity. Not something that comes and presents itself to you to tell you, "This is how it will be," it wasn't that — it was HERE.

And I didn't feel it went away: it's I who left it, or rather, to say things accurately, I was made to leave it in order to concentrate on this bark, for the necessities of the work.

But it hasn't gone — it's here.

This morning I noted the experience through the same process I told you I was using for revelation. I wanted to note exactly how the experience could be defined (Mother reads out a note):

"The penetration and permeation into material substance of the Ananda of the power of progress in Life."

It wasn't a permeation into the Mind: it was a permeation into Life — into Life, into the material, earthly substance, which had become alive. Even plants participated in last night's experience: it isn't something that was the privilege of the mental being, it's the whole vital substance (vitalized material substance) of the earth that received this ananda of the power of progress — it was triumphant. Triumphant.

And when I came back (it took me perhaps five or six minutes to come back), it was with a sort of quiet certainty that the return was a necessity, and that something else would occur thanks to which it won't be necessary to leave one state for the other (that's the trouble, we still have to leave one state for the other). It hasn't left, but it's in the background — it should be in the front.

And then I realized... When I got up, I asked myself, "Am I again going to come up against all the same material drawbacks that come from this sort of... not even contagion, of identification with the people and things around?" The slightest thing causes a reaction — there wasn't even one thought, you see [in the incident with the doctor], not one sensation — yet there was a disorder here (gesture to the abdomen).

Then one has to hold still, put the Force and... Now, I am conscious of where it comes from, of what it is, of who it is (when it comes from someone), of all that. And the response can be perfectly conscious and willed. And when I restore order here (gesture to the abdomen), it restores order there, too.

This, in the realm of thought, is something that has been there for a very long time — very long, years and years: the shock that comes from outside exactly as if it were... it's YOUR thought, but it comes from over there, it isn't actually here; and then the response. Since soon after the beginning of the century, this work has been going on. Afterwards, there was all the psychic work, in the same way (gesture of widening): the identification and the response. Then the vital work, which I began with Sri Aurobindo when we were staying over there [at the Guest House]; then the physical work, but there it's... gropingly learning one's job. Now there is a sort of certainty (not absolute and constant, but not far away), a sort of certainty: you see, you come into contact with something, and then you know instantly what should be done and how it should be done; the vibration comes, meets a response, and goes back — and this is going on every minute, all the time.

A sort of assurance and confirmation came last night with that experience.

But we must be patient. And we mustn't think that we've reached the goal — we're still far from it! There is always the joy of the first step, the first step on the path: "Ah, what a lovely path!" (Mother laughs)... We have to go right to the other end!

(silence)

It was luminous — luminous the whole time. That diamond-like sparkling turning into something much more compact, but less intense, that is, less bright — far more powerful. There was, above all, that sense of power: a power that can crush everything and rebuild everything. And in such an Ananda! But with nothing, absolutely nothing that had the slightest excitement, nothing of that bubbling which comes from the mind — the mind was like this (gesture, both hands open towards the Eternal), peaceful, peaceful, quiet, absolutely quiet. And while the experience went on, I knew (because the consciousness above was watching it all), I knew that only when the flash — the dazzlingly intense flash of the mental transformation through the supramental descent — only when the Light, the burst of Light, joins the ananda of Power will there occur things that will be a bit... indisputable.

Because in an experience of this type, only the one who has it can be sure. The effects are visible in tiny details that can be observed only by those who are already well-disposed, that is (to translate), by those who have faith — those who have faith can see. And I know that because they tell me: they see examples of those tiny miracles of every minute (they aren't "miracles") multiply; they're everywhere, all the time, all the time — little facts, harmonies, realizations, concords... all of which are quite unusual in this world of Disorder. But while the experience was there, I knew there would be another one, which is yet to come (God knows when!), and which would join with this one to form a third. And it is that junction that will then probably cause something to be changed in the appearances.

When will it come? I don't know. But we shouldn't be in a hurry.

14. March 1964 – About 1915: Mother left her psychic being behind

But for myself, I know: the first time I went away from here, in 1915 (and I left my psychic being here, I didn't take it with me — I knew how to do it — I left it behind), in spite of that, in spite of the link, when I came to the Mediterranean, suddenly I fell ill, dreadfully ill. I was constantly ill.

18. March 1964 – Mother about Language, French, English

Then Mother takes up the translation of a letter from English to French.

To translate I go to the place where things are crystallized and formulated. Nowadays my translations are not exactly an amalgamation, but they are under the influence of both languages: my English is a little French and my French is a little English— it's a mixture of the two. And I see that from the standpoint of expression, it's rather beneficial, for a certain subtlety comes from it.

I don't "translate" at all, I never try to translate: I simply go back to the "place" where it came from, and instead of receiving this way (gesture above the head, like scales tipping to the right for French) I receive that way (the scales tip to the left for English), and I see that it doesn't make much difference: the origin is a sort of amalgamation of the two languages. Perhaps it could give birth to a somewhat more supple form in both languages: a little more precise in English, a little more supple in French.

But it's my method for Savitri, too, it's a long time since I stopped translating: I follow the thought up to a point, and then, instead of thinking this way (same gesture of tipping to the right), I think that way (to the left), that's all. So it's not pure English, not pure French either.

Personally I would like it to be neither English nor French, to be something else! But for the moment, what words are to be used?... I clearly feel that to me, both in English and French (and maybe in other languages if I knew any), words have another meaning, a slightly unusual and far more PRECISE meaning than they do in languages as we know them — far more precise. Because, to me, a word means exactly a certain experience, and I clearly see that people understand quite differently; so I feel their understanding as something hazy and imprecise. Every word corresponds to an experience, to a particular vibration.

I don't say I have reached the satisfactory expression — it's taking shape.

And the method is always the same: I never translate — never, never — I go up above, to the place where one thinks beyond words, where one experiences the idea or the thought of a thing, or the movement or the feeling (whatever), and when it's in a particular language, it goes like this (same gesture as before), while in another language, it goes like that: it's as if something up above tipped over. I don't translate on the same level at all, I never translate on the level of languages. And sometimes, I notice that for me the quality of the words is very different from what it is for others, very different.

I have given up all hope of making myself understood.

18. March 1964 – Story of Jesus by Théon

It's a story told by the Muslims, I think (but I am not sure). Jesus is said to have raised people from the dead, made the dumb speak, restored sight to the blind... until he was brought an idiot to be made intelligent — and Jesus ran away!

Afterwards, people asked him, "Why did you run away?" He answered, "I can do anything — except give intelligence to an idiot." (laughter)

It was Théon who told me the story.

25. March 1964 – On Aphorisms 101-102

101 — In God's sight there is no near or distant, no present, past or future. These things are only a convenient perspective for His world-picture.

102 — To the senses it is always true that the sun moves round the earth; this is false to the reason. To the reason it is always true that the earth moves round the sun; this is false to the supreme vision. Neither earth moves nor sun; there is only a change in the relation of sun-consciousness and earth-consciousness.

When you have the vision and consciousness of the Truth-Order, of that which is DIRECT, the direct expression of the Truth, you immediately feel something inexpressible, because all words belong to the other sphere; all images, all comparisons, all expressions belong to the other sphere.

I had precisely that great difficulty (it was on February 29): all the time while I was living in that consciousness of the DIRECT manifestation of the Truth, I tried to formulate what I was feeling, what I was seeing — it was impossible. There were no words. And immediately, merely formulating things made me instantly fall back into the other consciousness.

On that occasion, the memory of this aphorism on the sun and the earth came back to me.... Even to say a "change of consciousness... a change of consciousness is still a movement.

I don't think we can say anything. I don't feel capable of saying anything, because all that you can say is uninteresting approximations.

Everything is different. And the experience has convinced me of one thing, which I am still feeling constantly: that both states [of Truth and Falsehood] are simultaneous, concomitant, and there's only... yes, a "change of consciousness," as he calls it, which means that you are in this consciousness or in that consciousness, and yet you're not moving.

We are forced to use words of movement because, for us, everything moves, but that change of consciousness isn't a movement — it isn't a movement. So then how can we speak about it and describe it?...

Even if we say "a state that takes the place of another"... takes the place... we immediately introduce movement — all our words are like that, what can we say?...

Yesterday again, the experience was quite concrete and powerful: it isn't necessary to move, or to move anything, for this Truth-Consciousness to replace the consciousness of deformation or distortion. In other words, the capacity to live in and be this true Vibration — essential and true — seems to have the power to SUBSTITUTE this Vibration for the vibration of Falsehood and Distortion, to such an extent that... For instance, the outcome of Distortion or of the vibration of distortion should naturally have been an accident or catastrophe, but if, within those vibrations, there is a consciousness that has the power to become aware of the Vibration of Truth and therefore manifest the Vibration of Truth, it can — it must — cancel the other vibration. Which would be translated, in the external phenomenon, by an intervention that would stop the catastrophe.

There is a growing feeling that the True is the only way to change the world; that all the other processes of slow transformation are always at a tangent (you draw nearer and nearer but you never arrive), and that the last step must be this — the substitution of the true Vibration.

There are partial proofs. But as they are partial, they aren't conclusive. Because, to the ordinary vision and understanding, you can always find explanations: you can say it was "foreseen" and "predestined" that the accident would miscarry, for example, and that consequently that intervention isn't at all what made it miscarry — it was "Determinism" that had decided it. And how do you prove anything? How do you even prove to yourself that it is otherwise? It's not possible.

You see, as soon as we express things we enter the mind, and as soon as we enter the mind there's that kind of logic, which is frightful because it is all-powerful: if everything has already been existing and coexisting from all eternity, how can you change one thing into another?... How can anything at all "change"?

We are told (Sri Aurobindo himself has just said it) that to the Lord's consciousness there is neither past nor time nor movement nor anything — everything is. In order to translate, we say "from all eternity," which is nonsense, but anyway, everything IS. So everything is (Mother folds her arms), and then it's all over, there's nothing more to be done! You understand, this conception, or rather this manner of speaking (because it's only a manner of speaking) nullifies the sense of progress, nullifies evolution, nullifies... We are told: it's part of the Determinism that you should strive to progress — yes, all this is rhetorical gibberish.

And, mind you, this manner of speaking is one minute of experience, but it's NOT the total experience. For a moment you feel this way, but it's not total, it's partial. It's only ONE way of feeling, it isn't all. There is in the eternal consciousness something far deeper and far more inexpressible than this — far more. This is only the first stupefaction you have when you emerge from the ordinary consciousness, but it isn't all. It isn't all. When the memory of this aphorism came back to me these last few days, I felt it was only a little glimpse you have all of a sudden and a sense of opposition between the two states, but it isn't all — it isn't all. There is something other than this.

There is something else, which is something altogether different from what we understand, BUT WHICH IS TRANSLATED INTO WHAT WE UNDERSTAND.

And That we cannot say. We cannot say what it is because... it's inexpressible — inexpressible.

It amounts to feeling that all that, in our ordinary consciousness, becomes false, distorted, crooked, is ESSENTIALLY TRUE for the Truth-Consciousness. But how is it true? This is precisely something that cannot be said with words, because words belong to the Falsehood.

(silence)

We should be clear on one point.... I am afraid that what we call "Matter" is precisely the world's false appearance.

There is something that CORRESPONDS, but...

You see, this aphorism would eventually lead to an absolute subjectivity, and only that absolute subjectivity would be true — well, it's NOT like that. Because that means "pralaya, it means Nirvana. Well, there isn't only Nirvana, there is an objectivity that's real, not false — but how can you say what it is!... It's something I have felt several times — several times, not just in a flash: the reality of... (How can we express ourselves? We are always deceived by our words)... In the perfect sense of Oneness and in the consciousness of Oneness there is room for the objective, for objectivity — one doesn't destroy the other, not at all. You may have the sense of a differentiation; not that it isn't yourself, but it's a different vision.... I told you, all that we can say is nothing, it's nonsense, because the purpose of words is to express the unreal world, but... Yes, that may be what Sri Aurobindo calls the sense of "Multiplicity in Unity" (maybe that corresponds a little), just as you feel the internal multiplicity of your being, something of that sort.... I don't at all have the sensation of a separate self anymore, not at all, not at all, not even in the body, yet that doesn't prevent me from having a certain sense of an objective relationship — well, yes, it leads us back to his "change in the relation of sun-consciousness and earth-consciousness." (Laughing) Maybe that's really is the best way of putting it! It's a relation of consciousness. It isn't at all the relationship between oneself and "others" — not at all, that's entirely canceled — but it might be like the relation of consciousness between the various parts of one's being. And it gives objectivity to those various parts, obviously.

(long silence)

To come back to that very easily understood example of the aborted accident, we may very well conceive that the intervention of the Truth-Consciousness had been decided "from all eternity" and that there isn't any "new" element; but that does nothing to alter the fact that this intervention is what stopped the accident (which gives an exact image of the power of this true consciousness over the other one). If we project our way of being onto the Supreme, we may conceive that He enjoys carrying out many experiments to see how it all plays (this is something else, it doesn't follow that there isn't an All-Consciousness that knows all things from all eternity — all this with utterly inadequate words), but that does nothing to alter the fact that, when we look at the process, this intervention is what was able to make the accident miscarry: the substitution of a true consciousness for a false consciousness stopped the process of the false consciousness.

And it seems to me it occurs often enough — much more often than people think. For example' every time an illness is cured, every time an accident is avoided, every time a catastrophe, even a global one, is avoided, all that is always the intervention of the Vibration of Harmony into the vibration of Disorder, allowing Disorder to cease.

So the people, the faithful, who always say, "Through the Divine Grace this has happened," aren't so wrong.

I only note the fact that it is this Vibration of Order and Harmony that intervened (we're not concerned with the reasons for its intervention, this is only a scientific observation), and of this I've had a fairly large number of experiences.

You know, the ordinary idea that the phenomenon [of transformation] must necessarily occur first in the body in which the Consciousness is expressed the most constantly seems to me quite unnecessary and secondary. On the contrary, it occurs at the same time wherever it can occur the most easily and totally, and this aggregate of cells (Mother points to her own body) isn't necessarily the most ready for this operation. It may therefore remain a very long time as it apparently is, even if its understanding and receptivity are special. I mean that this body's awareness, its conscious perception is infinitely superior to the one all the bodies it comes into contact with can have, except for a few minutes — a few minutes — when other bodies, as if through a grace, have the Perception. While for it, it's a natural and constant state; it's the effective result of this Truth-Consciousness being more constantly concentrated on this collection of cells than on others — more directly. But the substitution of one vibration for another in facts, in actions, in objects, occurs wherever the result is the most striking and effective.

I don't know if I can make myself understood, but it is something I have felt very, very clearly, and which one cannot feel as long as the physical ego is there, because the physical ego has the sense of its own importance, and that disappears entirely with the physical ego. When it disappears, one has a clear perception that the intervention or manifestation of the true Vibration doesn't depend on egos or individualities (human or national individualities, or even individualities of Nature: animals, plants and so on), it depends on a certain play of the cells and Matter in which there are aggregates particularly favorable for the transformation to occur — not "transformation": the substitution, to be precise, the substitution of the Vibration of Truth for the vibration of Falsehood. And the phenomenon may be very independent of groupings and individualities (it may happen in one part here, another part there, one thing here, another thing there); and it always corresponds to a certain quality of vibration that causes a sort of swelling — a receptive swelling — and then, the thing can occur.

Unfortunately, as I said at the beginning, all words belong to the world of appearances.

(silence)

This has repeatedly been my experience lately, with a vision and a conviction, the conviction of an experience: the two vibrations are like this (concomitant gesture indicating a superimposition and infiltration), all the time — all the time, all the time.

Maybe the sense of wonder comes when the quantity that has infiltrated is large enough to be perceptible. But I have an impression — a very acute impression — that this phenomenon is going on all the time, all the time, everywhere, in a minuscule, infinitesimal way (gesture of a twinkling infiltration), and that in certain circumstances or conditions that are visible (visible to this vision: it's a sort of luminous swelling — I can't explain), then, the mass of infiltration is sufficient to give the impression of a miracle. But otherwise, it's something going on all the time, all the time, all the time, continuously, in the world (same twinkling gesture), like an infinitesimal amount of Falsehood replaced by Light... Falsehood replaced by Light... constantly.

And this Vibration (which I feel and see) gives the feeling of a fire. That's probably what the Vedic Rishis translated as the "Flame" — in the human consciousness, in man, in Matter. They always spoke of a "Flame." It is indeed a vibration with the intensity of a higher fire.

The body even felt several times, when the Work was very concentrated or condensed, that it is the equivalent of a fever.

Two or three nights ago, something like that occurred: in the middle of the night, early morning, there was a descent of this Force, a descent of this Truth-Power; and this time it was everywhere (it's always everywhere), but with a special concentration in the brain — not in this brain: in THE brain. And it was so strong, so strong, so strong! The head felt as if it were about to burst — yes, as if everything were going to burst — so that for about two hours I simply had to keep calling for the widening of the Lord's Peace: "Lord, Your widening, Your peace," like that, in the cells. And with the consciousness (which is always conscious, of course [gesture above]) that this descent into an unprepared brain would be enough to drive you completely mad or absolutely daze you (at the very best), or else you would burst.

This experience, like the other one, hasn't left.

It's everywhere, you understand.

And I saw (because I wanted to see, and I saw) that the other experience was still there but it was beginning to be almost habitual, almost natural, while this one was new. It was the result of my old prayer: "Lord, take possession of this brain."

Well, that's what is happening — happening everywhere, all the time. So if it happens in a large enough aggregate, it gives the appearance of a miracle — but it is the miracle of the whole EARTH.

But one must hold out, because it has consequences: it brings a sensation of Power, a Power which very few people can feel or experience without their balance being more or less upset, because they don't have an adequate basis of peace — a vast and very, very, VERY quiet peace. Everywhere, even here at the School, children are in a state of effervescence (I was informed that the best-behaved and generally most regular children had become like that). I said, "There is only ONE answer, one single answer: you must be still, still, and even more still, and increasingly still. And do not try to find a solution with your head because it cannot find any. You must only be still — still, still, immutably still. Calm and peace, calm and peace.... It is the ONLY answer."

I am not saying it's the cure, but it's the only answer: to endure in calm and peace, endure in calm and peace....

Then something will happen.

(silence)

But this experience (this is between ourselves) is an experience I had never had in my life. I always had the impression of a sort of control over what was going on in the brain, and that I was always able to answer with the "blank," you know, the calm, still blank — the still blank. This time (laughing), it wasn't that! And it became so formidable that even the mantra (the words of the mantra) were shooting past like cannonballs! (Laughing) It all seemed like a frightening hail of bullets!

There was only this to be done: I kept perfectly still, calling — calling for the Lord's Peace and Calm, that ever-widening Peace. The Infinite of the Lord's Peace.

Then it became possible to bear the Vibration.

Now, what it does, its work — that's not our business, it's His. We cannot understand. But that it is at work goes without saying.

But without a doubt, if at that moment there had been a doctor to take my temperature, he would have found there was a tremendous fever — though nothing even remotely like an "illness"! No, it was miraculously wonderful, it gave the feeling that... it was something the earth did not know.

That's how it always expresses itself: something the earth did not know, something new. It is new to the earth. That's why it's hard to bear! Because it is new.

Even now (Mother touches her skull), it feels all swollen, and with a vibration inside (gesture of a trepidation) as if the head were twice as big as before.

(Mother feels her head) I am trying to see if my bumps have gone — they haven't yet!

28. March 1964 – The knowledge of vibrations; being a monster

I see the problem very clearly, because all these experiences (if you reread Prayers and Meditations, you will see), I had them in the mind, even in the vital, and at the time, naturally, what I said was very clear, it made perfect sense; but the body didn't participate: it obeyed. When it's perfectly docile, it obeys, and it didn't stand in the way. But what's happening now is that all this, all these living experiences are taking place in the body itself; and unless one has them HERE, all my explanations of "vibrations" are meaningless.

It's only when the experience becomes mental and psychological that people "understand" it.

Perhaps the modern scientific mind that has studied atoms would understand better. It's the same kind of understanding as that of the scientist who analyzes the constitution of Matter. I distinctly feel it is an extension of that study and that it's the only true approach for the most material part of Matter. Any psychological explanation is meaningless.

This very morning, I was following the movement, observing the control this Vibration of Truth has in the body in the presence of certain disorders (very small things in the body, you know: discomforts, disorders), I was observing how this Vibration of Truth abolishes those disorders and discomforts. It was very clear, very obvious, and ABSOLUTELY REMOVED from any spiritual notion, from any religious notion, from any psychological notion, so that the person who possessed this knowledge of opposition of one vibration to the other very clearly didn't in any way need to be a "disciple" or someone with philosophical knowledge or anything at all: he only had to have mastered this in order to realize a perfectly harmonious existence.

It was absolutely concrete and irrefutable. It was a lived, absolute experience.

And then all these cells, in a fervor... (it was truly an Ananda, so inexpressible...) hurled themselves at the Lord and told Him, "But it's so much more marvelous when we know it's You!" — the whole body.

And the light and warmth were expressed, that intensity of Ananda, that bliss... You understand, it wasn't in opposition to but like a COMPLEMENT of this vibratory knowledge, which was... I can't say a "coldly scientific knowledge" because that introduces mental notions, but it was of such a wisdom!... A knowledge so wise, so calm, so imperturbably quiet, absolutely free from any notion of good and evil, of divine, of positive and negative, absolutely independent of all of that — purely material. And with an absolute power. Then in these same cells, which were fully conscious of this knowledge of vibrations as being the supreme means of control for their harmony, suddenly there arose in them a sort of... not a flame (a flame is dark in comparison), a luminous Ananda: Love in its perfect reality.

And it was translated like this: "It's so much more marvelous when we know it's You!"

It was really an experience. It lasted a few minutes (I was sitting at my table having my breakfast), but during those few minutes it was a perfection.

The two poles had met.

(silence)

Truly the sensation, in the entire body, of Love's perfect Ananda.

The other thing is very fine, it's the vibratory knowledge and the Power — but this, this Ananda...

(silence)

What's very interesting is that all those experiences you've had in your inner and higher beings, in your every state of being, appear feeble, flimsy, like a dream in comparison with the same experiences in the body. There, it becomes so... The Power and Intensity are so fantastic that, all of a sudden, you understand WHY there is a material world.

(silence)

The relationship with the outside world would become difficult if this experience were constant....

And there is such a marvelous Wisdom, which gives all things in doses so that the overall progress may not be at the expense of anything — so that EVERYTHING may move on. Then you marvel at that Wisdom — which humanity constantly insults, which they clothe in the most pejorative words: Destiny, Fate.

It is a marvelous Wisdom.

And in spite of all your knowledge, in spite of all your powers, in spite of all your past experiences, you feel very small before That.

That Wisdom is a marvel.

(silence)

You know, one minute of such an experience gives you courage for years — it lasted a few minutes, I was having my breakfast.

But I have myself never had much respect for yogic life! Never.

And I was born with a consciously prepared body — Sri Aurobindo was aware of that, he said it immediately the first time he saw me: I was born free. That is, from the spiritual standpoint: without any desire. Without any desire and attachment. And, mon petit, if there is the slightest desire and the slightest attachment, it's IMPOSSIBLE to do this work.

A vital like a warrior, with an absolute self-control (the vital of this present incarnation was sexless — a warrior), an absolutely calm and imperturbable warrior — no desires, no attachments.... Since my earliest childhood, I have done things which, to the human consciousness, are "monstrous"; my mother went so far as to tell me that I was a real "monster," because I had neither attachments nor desires. If I was asked, "Would you like to do this?" I answered, "I don't care" (my father especially, it would make him furious! If people were nasty to me, or if people died or went away, it left me absolutely calm — and so: "You're a monster, you have no feelings."

And with that preparation... It's eighty-six years since I came here, mon petit! For thirty years I worked with Sri Aurobindo consciously, without letup, night and day.... We shouldn't be in a hurry.

We shouldn't be in a hurry.

And there was that experience, which of all experiences was truly the most... I could say the most decisive: that was when Sri Aurobindo left his body. Because materially, for the body, it was the complete collapse of a sort of unshakable trust, a sense of absolute security, of certitude that things were going to be done "just like that," harmoniously. Then his departure — the blow of a sledgehammer on the head.... And the entire weight of the responsibility here, on the body.

That means quite a preparation — which is as wise as all the rest.

That's what Sri Aurobindo told me very clearly (because, of course, he saw, he knew), he said to me, "Only your body can withstand THAT, has the power to withstand...." It's a bit worn-out, but with the struggle and effort and work it has gone through, there is no ground for complaint: it has withstood — it has withstood very well. And it has been able to benefit from its accidents.

So we shouldn't be in a hurry.... Besides, that's an absolute rule: we shouldn't be impatient.

29. March 1964 – Savitri B7C4

Because thou art, men yield not to their doom,

But ask for happiness and strive with fate.

(VII.IV.507)