AGENDA 1965

May 1965


05. May 1965 – Mother's heart troubles

I feel as if I am not here, and this has been going on since...

My body is far away from me.

Last time, in the afternoon of the day you came, the 30th, I was rather in a poor condition [Mother had "heart" troubles]. And since then I have felt as if... I am rather far away from my body.... I am in a very, very diluted consciousness (widespread gesture), very diluted.

(Mother goes into meditation)

I have a feeling that only one thing exists: making contact — putting the divine Vibration in contact with Matter. And this is the only thing which is REAL. Things seem to have clarified these past few days, since the 30th; and this morning when I got up, it was so strong that it was really the only thing existing. To such a point that there was a spontaneous perception that whatever thought clothes this thing in, or whatever the organization of life, it's totally unimportant — it's only men who attach importance to that, but from the standpoint of the Work, only this matters: being in this state I am in (which is a very particular state), in which the vibration, the vibration of Matter is put in contact, united — united — with the divine Vibration.

All the rest... unreal.

(long silence)

I feel as if the circulation isn't working, I don't know how to explain it.

(Mother goes into concentration)

It's like this (vast, expansive gesture), immobile.... But with a great intensity of vibration — the vibration that doesn't move.

(long meditation)

It can go on like that indefinitely.

So what are we going to do? If it goes on, it'll be a long time before we've finished our work!

We have time.

Indeed we have — when one thinks one has time, it takes years! Anyway, I am not doing it deliberately — it's thrust upon me, and then there's nothing that can be done.

(silence)

There is a growing sense of a Power that's beginning to be limitless. But that state is in fact linked with those difficulties [heart or circulatory troubles]. And, you know, I don't make any decisions, I don't do anything [to attain that state]: I am like this (immobile gesture, palms open to the Heights), in "something" that feels as if it could be eternally like that. But within it, I perceive waves, movements (and sometimes concentrations, when it has to do with world events) that have a stupendous power.

We just have to keep still and, well, we'll see what will happen anyway.

08. May 1965 – Savitri: Experience of being the All

Yesterday, I read with H. Savitri's series of experiences when she begins with self-annulment: Annul thyself so that God alone exist (I no longer remember, but that's the idea). It begins with self-annulment, then she has the experience of BEING the All, that is, of being the Supreme (the Supreme in herself) and the entire Manifestation and all things. There are three passages. It's absolutely... an absolutely wonderful description. It's extraordinarily beautiful.

It's a chapter that doesn't have a title.

(Mother vainly looks for the passage in "Savitri")

First she meets her soul: a house of flames. She enters the house of flames and unites with her soul ["The Finding of the Soul," VII.V]. It's after that. After, there is Nirvana ["Nirvana and the Discovery of the All-Negating Absolute," VII.VI]. She goes into Nirvana — and becomes just a violet line in Nothingness. Then finds herself back in her body — that's where it begins. A chapter without a title [VII.VII].

I'll find it some other time.

(Mother puts aside the book)

It has been a revolution in the atmosphere, that's why I am telling you about it. Because all the experiences described [in Savitri] are precisely the experiences I have. So then, suddenly, in the body.. I was over there in the music room, and H. was reading to me; then when she had finished reading, all of a sudden the body sat up straight in an aspiration and a prayer of such intensity! It was a dreadful anguish, you know: "See, the whole experience is here [in Mother], complete, total, perfect, and because this thing [the body] has lived too long, it no longer has the power of expression." And it said, "But why, Lord? Why, why do You take away from me the power of expression because this has lived too long?" It was a sort of revolution in the body's consciousness.

Things have been much better since, much better. There has been a decisive change.

You see, it was the exact description of the body's present state, yet it constantly feels fragile, in a precarious balance. And then, with all its aspiration, it said, "But WHY? Why?... See, the experience is all there — why isn't it expressed?"

As always (laughing), I had the feeling that the Lord was laughing and saying to me, "But since such is your will, it will be that way!" Meaning simply: it's you who CHOSE to be like that.

And it's perfectly true. All our incapacities, all our limitations, all our impossibilities, it's this idiotic Matter that chooses them all — not with intelligence, but with a sort of feeling that "that's how things must be," that they are "naturally" like that. An adherence — an idiotic adherence — to the mode of the lower nature.

Then there was laughter, tears, a whole revolution, and afterwards all was fine.

But nobody on earth will be able to convince me it isn't because this material nature chooses to be that way that it is that way.

And the Lord looks on, smiles, waits... (laughing) for the body to be cured of its idiocy.

He does all that is needed, but... we don't take any notice.

It's the trigger of FAITH that's not there, that famous faith Sri Aurobindo always mentions.

When people write me long letters (what letters I receive! laments all the time: my health is going wrong, my work is going wrong, my relationships are going wrong — laments all the time), and I always see, behind, that Consciousness, luminous, magnificent, marvelous — sun-filled, you know — exactly as if to say, "Whenever will you be cured of that mania!" The mania of the tragic and the lower.

Somewhere in the reason, one understands — it isn't that reason doesn't understand, but the reason has no power to make this matter obey.

And every minute, I have now the feeling of a choice between victory and defeat, sun and shadow, harmony and disorder, the easy solution... truly, the comfortable or pleasant and the unpleasant; and the feeling that if you don't intervene with authority, there's a sort of... oh, it's a combination of cowardice and spinelessness: it's something limp — limp, you know, slack.

When I speak like this, it's very simple and it seems very easy, but EVERY MINUTE you are hanging between three possibilities (generally three) for the body: the fainting or the acute suffering, the indifferent, mechanical movement, or the glorious Mastery. And I am talking about washing your eyes, rinsing your mouth, doing any of those absolutely indifferent little things (in big things it always goes well because nature is in the habit of thinking that one should bear oneself "properly" to rise to the occasion — all that is ridiculous), but in little things, that's how it is. So the head whirls, and hup!... And you can see — you can see with extreme precision — the three possibilities, and if you aren't constantly attentive (gesture of a closed fist, of authority and control), the physical nature, with such repulsive spinelessness, you know, absolutely disgusting, lets itself go.

This repeats itself hundreds upon hundreds of times a day.... So if this isn't called "sadhana," I don't know what a sadhana is! You see, eating is a sadhana, sleeping is a sadhana, washing is a sadhana, everything is a sadhana. What's a sadhana least of all is, for instance, receiving someone, because the body immediately keeps quite still — it calls the Lord and says, "Now be here," and then everything is fine (because it keeps still). The visitor comes, the body smiles, everything is fine — the Lord is there, so of course everything goes very smoothly. But when we're dealing with what we call "material" things, the things of daily life, it's hell, because of that idiot.

The other day, after you left, I couldn't eat anything! I couldn't eat because the body felt it was being diluted in the world like that (expansive gesture); so it was being diluted (which is quite all right, the experience is proceeding well), but it had a feeling that it couldn't eat — why? I don't know. And it was impossible. The doctor, who was there as always during my meals, said, "What's wrong?..." (Because the day before, there had been an attack, a sort of malice: I started vomiting; it happens to me once in six or seven years; an affair recurring at long intervals; and it was serious, but it didn't last long.) But the other day it was something else: the body felt it was being diluted (you remember, you said I was white), and when it came to eating, the body said (in a moaning tone), "Look how I am, I can't eat." If I had had a little time (laughing), I would have given it a good smack and told it not to make such a fuss! But I didn't have time, it was time for me to sit down and eat — and I couldn't eat. So I had difficulty the whole day, because naturally those little pranks make life difficult.

But what to people is unconscious, what they don't understand or call "illness," is to me as clear as daylight; and it's always a CHOICE, there is always a choice every minute (for the material nature), and if the will isn't unshakable, if you aren't holding on to the higher Will with desperate and unrelenting eagerness, you let yourself go; and then the body becomes stupid: it faints, it has pains.... That same day when I couldn't eat (after lunch I always rest for some time to... well, those are the hours when I put the body in direct reception of the Force — it doesn't last very long, I don't have much time), but as soon as I lay down on the chaise longue, such pains! Howling pains that take hold of you... (gesture to the waist) at those spots that are open to the adverse attacks. I was lying down, but I was fully conscious then and I said to myself, "Oh, very well! You want to make a big scene.... All right, I will bear everything and I won't make a sound — and I won't budge, and you're going to keep still." Then I started repeating my mantra quietly, as though the body weren't in any pain. And after a while, the pain went away. The body saw it was no use, so it went away!

And I KNOW it's the same for everything, for all "illnesses," without exception. I see, I know the "origin" of illnesses, of the various disorders, all that is now crystal clear (it's a story that it could take hours and days to tell), and that's how it is. So when, in a more or less dogmatic or literary way, the sages say, "Disorder occurs because the nature has decided to be in disorder," it's not so silly.

It's... oh, a spinelessness which is one of the things most contrary to the divine Glory. The spinelessness that accepts illness, you know. And I am saying this to my body, not to anyone else — others, that's not my business, it's their work, not mine; I mean, I am present [in them] only as the divine Consciousness, and then it's very easy, a very easy work; but the work here, the sadhana in here...

But sick people... when I tell them, "Be sincere," I know what I mean: if they REALLY want the Divine, all that must stop. That's all.

15. May 1965 – A period of battles

We are still in the thick of a period of battle.

There are moments when everything seems to be going wrong, seriously wrong, and then the next minute, everything goes triumphantly well, then it starts going wrong again — it isn't steady.

At times, there is a sort of harmony in the functioning so perfect that it leaves you dumbfounded, then the next moment, everything appears to be disorganized. So I don't know if it's to make us more supple. It must be to make us plastic.

External circumstances, too: at times everything works out — everything works out with such benevolence and, really, extraordinary timeliness; then the next minute, people become increasingly stupid, malicious and unwilling to understand... (laughing) and sometimes the same people! And there are some who have extraordinary, remarkable experiences that point to an advance at full tilt, then they suddenly fall back into an unspeakable stupidity.

It's the hot and cold shower, to make us more supple.

19. May 1965 – The Divine Realization; Doctor's diagnosis

There are two things: in a total and absolute way, at every instant, it's the best possible with regard to the divine Goal for the whole; and for someone who is consciously attuned to the divine Will, what happens is the most favorable to his own divine realization.

I think this is the correct explanation.

For the whole, it's always, every instant, the most favorable to the divine evolution. And for the elements consciously attuned to the Divine, it's the best for the perfection of their union.

But it shouldn't be forgotten that it's constantly changing, it isn't a static best; it's a best that, if retained, wouldn't be the best of the next moment. And it's because the human consciousness always tends to want to retain statically what it finds or considers to be good that it finds this best always eludes it. That effort to retain is what warps things.

(silence)

I looked at the problem when I tried to understand the position of Buddha, who reproached the Manifestation for its impermanence; to him, perfection and permanence were one and the same thing. In his contact with the manifested universe, he had observed a perpetual change, and so his conclusion was that the manifested world was imperfect and had to disappear. And the change (the impermanence) does not exist in the Non-manifest, therefore the Non-manifest is the true Divine. When I looked and concentrated on this point, I saw that his observation was indeed correct: the Manifestation is absolutely impermanent, it's a perpetual transformation.

But in the Manifestation, perfection is to have a movement of transformation or unfolding identical to the divine Movement, the essential Movement. Whereas all that belongs to the unconscious or tamasic1 creation tries to keep its existence unchanged, instead of lasting by constant transformation.

That's why certain minds have postulated that the creation was the result of an error. But we find all the possible conceptions: the perfect creation, then a "fault" that introduced the error; the creation itself as a lower movement, which must end since it began; then the conception of the Vedas according to what Sri Aurobindo told us about it, which was a progressive and infinite unfolding or discovery — indefinite and infinite — of the All by Himself.... Naturally, all these are human translations. For the moment, as long as we express ourselves humanly, it's a human translation; but depending on the initial stand of the human translator (that is, a stand that accepts the primordial "error," or the "accident" in the creation, or the conscious supreme Will since the beginning, in a progressive unfolding), the conclusions or the "descents" in the yogic attitude are different.... There are the nihilists, the "Nirvanists" and the illusionists, there are all the religions (like Christianity) that accept the devil's intervention in one form or another; and then pure Vedism, which is the Supreme's eternal unfolding in a progressive objectification. And depending on your taste, you are here or there or here, and there are nuances. But according to what Sri Aurobindo felt to be the most total truth, according to that conception of a progressive universe, you are led to say that, every minute, what takes place is the best possible for the unfolding of the whole. The logic of it is absolute. And I think that all the contradictions can only stem from a more or less pronounced tendency for this or that position, that other position; all the minds that accept the intrusion of a "fault" or an "error" and the resulting conflict between forces pulling backward and forces pulling forward, can naturally dispute the possibility. But you are forced to say that for someone who is spiritually attuned to the supreme Will or the supreme Truth, what happens is necessarily, every instant, the best for his personal realization — this is true in all cases. The unconditioned best can only be accepted by one who sees the universe as an unfolding, the Supreme growing more and more conscious of Himself.

(silence)

To tell the truth, all those things are without any importance (!) because in any case what IS exceeds entirely and absolutely all that the human consciousness may think of it. It is only when you stop being human that you know; but as soon as you express yourself, you become human again, and then you stop knowing.

This is undeniable.

And because of this incapacity, there is a sort of futility in wanting absolutely to reduce the problem to what human comprehension can understand of it. In that case, it's very wise to say, as Théon used to, "We are here, we have a work to do, and what's necessary is to do it as best we can, without worrying about the why and the how." Why is the world as it is?... When we are able to understand why, we'll understand.

From a practical standpoint, that's obvious.

But everyone takes his stand.... I have all the examples here, I have a little selection of samples of all the attitudes, and I see the reactions very clearly. I see the same Force — the same single Force — acting in this selection of samples and, of course, producing different effects; but those "different" effects are, to the deep vision, very superficial: it's just "they like to think that way, so then they like to think that way." But to tell the truth, the inner advance, the inner development, and the essential vibration aren't affected — not in the least. One aspires with all his heart to Nirvana, the other aspires with all his will to the supramental manifestation, and in both cases the vibratory result is about the same. And it's a whole mass of vibrations which prepares itself more and more to... to receive what must be.

There is a state — an essentially pragmatic state, spiritually pragmatic — in which of all human futilities, the most futile is metaphysics.

I have known one or two sincere doctors, and they admitted to me quite clearly that it was like that. I told them, "From the spiritual standpoint, there cannot be two identical cases. Nature never repeats itself — there are families, there are analogies, there are similarities, but there aren't two identical cases; therefore you know very well that you don't know. When you study it on its own level, the immense complexity of the possibilities of physical reality is such that unless you have a direct and intimate perception, you cannot know what will happen."

Now that the body knows a little, when something is wrong or goes awry for some reason or other (it may be because of transformation, it may be because of attacks — there are innumerable reasons), my cells are beginning to say, "Oh, no doctor, no doctor, no doctor!..." They feel the doctor will crystallize the disorder, harden it and take away the plasticity necessary to respond to the deeper forces; and then the disorder will follow an outward, material course... which takes ages — I don't have the time to wait.

I never say this to people who ask me, never; I always tell them, "Go and see the doctor and do as he tells you." Because unless the body itself (some people have that, but not many, very few), if the body itself says, "No, no, no! I don't want," then it's ready; but if the body keeps telling you, "Maybe the doctor will help me out, maybe he will find…" — go ahead, go ahead! Do as he says.

The cells must begin to feel that it means a danger of halting the progress, of putting you back in contact with the old-never-ending-story: "If that story amuses you, we'll go through it again." Well, they are no longer amused, they don't feel like going through it again.

29. May 1965 – On Aphorism 110

110 — To see the composition of the sun or the lines of Mars is doubtless a great achievement; but when thou hast the instrument that can show thee a man's soul as thou seest a picture, then thou wilt smile at the wonders of physical Science as the playthings of babies.

It's the continuation of what we were saying about those who want to "see."

The wonders are all very well, it's their business (!) But it's their overweening self-assurance that makes me smile. They think they know. They think they have the key, that's what makes one smile. It makes one smile. They think that with all that they have learned they are the masters of Nature — it's childish. There will always be something that eludes them as long as they aren't in contact with the creative Force and the creative Will.

It's an experiment that can be done very easily: a scientist may explain all the phenomena before our eyes, he may even use physical forces and make them do whatever he likes (they have obtained amazing results from the material point of view), but if you just ask them this question, this simple question, "What is death?", in reality, they have no idea. They will describe the phenomenon as it occurs materially, but... if they are sincere, they are compelled to say that it doesn't explain anything.

There always comes a point when it no longer explains anything. Because to know... to know is to have power.

(silence)

Ultimately, what materialistic thought finds easiest to admit is the fact that they cannot foresee. They foresee many things, but the course of world events is beyond their predictions. I think this is the only thing they can admit: there is a gray area, an area of the unpredictable that eludes all their calculations.

I have never spoken to the typical scientist having the most modern science, so I am not entirely sure, I don't know to what extent they admit the unpredictable or the incalculable.

What Sri Aurobindo means, I think, is that when you are in communion with the soul and have the soul's knowledge, that knowledge is so much more wonderful than material knowledge that you almost smile with disdain. I don't think he means that the knowledge of the soul makes you know things of material life that science can't teach you.

The only point (I don't know if science has solved it) is the unpredictability of the future. But maybe they say that's because they haven't yet reached the perfection of their instruments and methods! For instance, maybe they think that just when man appeared on the earth, if there had been the instruments they now have, they would have been able to foresee the transformation from animal to man, or the appearance of man as a result of "something" in the animal — I am not aware (Mother smiles) of their most modern pretensions. In that case, they should be able to measure or perceive the difference in the atmosphere now, with the intrusion of "something" that wasn't there — because that still belongs to the material field. But I don't think that's what Sri Aurobindo meant; I think he meant that the world of the soul and the inner realities are so much more wonderful than the physical realities that all the physical "wonders" make you smile — it's rather that.

It has that power and it uses it CONSTANTLY, but the human consciousness is unaware of it! And the great difference is that the human consciousness becomes aware, but it becomes aware of something that's ALWAYS there! And which the others deny because they aren't aware of it.

For instance, I've had the opportunity of studying this: For me, circumstances, characters, all events and all beings move about according to certain "laws," if I may say so, which aren't rigid, but which I perceive and because of which I can see: "This will lead to that, and that will lead there, and this person being like that, such-and-such a thing is going to happen to him, and..." It's growing increasingly precise. I could, if it were necessary, make predictions based on that. But the relation of cause and effect in that domain is, for me, absolutely obvious and corroborated by facts. While for them, who do not have that vision and that consciousness of the soul, as Sri Aurobindo says, circumstances unfold according to other, superficial laws, which they consider to be the natural consequences of things; quite superficial laws that do not stand up to a deeper analysis, but they don't have the inner capacity, so that doesn't bother them, they find it obvious.

I mean that this inner knowledge doesn't have the power to convince them, that's an experience I have almost every day. So that when, concerning some event or other, I see, "Oh, but it's perfectly, perfectly obvious (for me): I saw the Lord's Force act there, I saw such-and-such a thing happen, and so, quite naturally, this is what must take place," for me, it's as obvious as could be, but I don't tell what I know, because it doesn't correspond to anything in their experience, so to them it's raving or pretension. Which means that when you haven't had the experience yourself, another's experience isn't convincing, it cannot convince you.

The power isn't so much of acting on Matter — that's something happening CONSTANTLY — but... unless hypnotic means are used (and they are worthless, they don't lead anywhere), the difficulty is to open the understanding (gesture of breaking free at the top of the head), that's what is so difficult.... The thing which you haven't experienced is nonexistent.

Even if in front of them a kind of miracle takes place, they will find a material explanation for it; to them, it won't be a miracle in the sense of the intervention of a force and power different from material forces and powers. They will find their own material explanation for it, it won't be convincing.

You can understand only if you have yourself touched that domain in your experience.

And you see very clearly — very clearly: it's insofar as something is awakened that there is the possibility of an understanding. This is the solid ground, it's the base.

That's precisely what I mean. The transformation can take place up to a point without your even being conscious of it!

You see, it is said that there is now a great difference, that when man came, the animal didn't have the means of taking notice; well, I say it's exactly the same thing: in spite of all that man has realized, man doesn't have the means; certain things may happen, but he will know they did only much later, when "something" in him is sufficiently developed to enable him to take notice.

Even with scientific development taken to its utmost, to the point where one really feels there is almost no difference left, when, for instance, they reach the oneness of substance and there seems to remain just an almost insensible or imperceptible passage from one condition to the other [the material to the spiritual], well, no, it's not like that! In order to perceive that sort of identity, you must carry already in yourself the experience of the OTHER THING; otherwise you cannot.

And precisely because they have acquired the capacity to "explain," they explain for themselves the inner phenomena, so that they remain in their negation of inner phenomena: they say they are like extensions of what they have studied.

Only, owing to man's very constitution (because there is so to speak no human being who doesn't have at least a reflection or a hint or a beginning of relationship with his subtle, inner being, his "soul"), owing to that, there is always a flaw in their negation; but they consider it a weakness — and it's their only strength!

(silence)

It is really when you have the experience — the experience and knowledge and identity with the higher forces — that you see the relativity of external knowledge; but before that, no, you cannot see, you deny the other realities.

I think this is what Sri Aurobindo meant; it's only once the other consciousness is developed that the scientist will smile; he will say, "Yes, this is all very nice, but..."

Basically, one cannot lead to the other. Except through a phenomenon of grace; if there is inwardly an absolute sincerity enabling the scientist to see, to have the foreknowledge, the perception of the point at which things elude him, then that may lead him to the other state of consciousness, but NOT THROUGH HIS METHODS. There must be... something must give in — something must give in and accept the new methods, the new perceptions, the new vibrations, the new state of soul.

Then it's an individual question. It isn't a question of class or category: it's the scientist who becomes ready to be... something else.

(silence)

We can only state an assertion: all that you know, however beautiful it may be, is nothing in comparison to what you can know if you are able to use the other methods.

There.

(silence)

That has been the object of my work all these last few days: how to get at that refusal to know?... It has been there for a long time. And it's the sequel to what Sri Aurobindo said in one of his letters: he says that India, with its methods, has done much more for spiritual life than Europe with all her doubts and questions. That's exactly the point. It's a kind of refusal — a refusal to accept a certain method of knowing that isn't the purely material method, and a negation of the experience, of the reality of the experience — how can they be convinced of it?... And then, there is Kali's method, which is to give a sound thrashing. But... it's a lot of damage for little result, if you ask me.

No, it is still a big problem.

It seems that the only method capable of overcoming all resistances is the method of Love; but in fact, the adverse forces have perverted it in such a way that a large quantity of sincere people, of sincere seekers, seem to be armor-plated against this method, because of its distortion. That's the difficulty. That's why it takes time. Anyway...