AGENDA 1961

February 1961


04. February 1961 – About Flowers

Here, I have brought you two flowers. They have two different yet very typically Indian fragrances: this one is Straightforwardness (Ixora arborea (Torch Tree)), and this is SIMPLICITY ( Hymenantherum, a tiny yellow flower like a miniature daisy). I have always found that this one (Mother holds out the Simplicity) has a cleansing fragrance: when you breathe it, ah, everything becomes clean – it’s wonderful! (Mother breathes in the flower’s fragrance.) Once I cured myself of the onset of a cold with it – this can be done when you catch it at the very beginning. It fills you completely, the nose, the throat.... And this [Straightforwardness] is right at the other end of the spectrum. I find it very, very powerful – strange, isn’t it?

It’s largely the fragrances that have made me give flowers their significance.... I find these studies quite interesting; it corresponds to something really TRUE in Nature.

Once, without telling me anything, someone brought me a sprig of tulsi ( Ocimum sanctum (Basil)). I smelled it and said, ‘Oh, Devotion!’ It was absolutely a... a vibration of devotion. Afterwards, I was told it’s the plant of devotion to Krishna, consecrated to Krishna.

Another time, I was brought one of those big flowers (which are not really flowers) somewhat resembling corn, with long, very strongly scented stalks (Pandanus tectorius (Keora or Screw Pine). Subsequently, Mother named this flower ‘Spiritual Perfume.). I smelled it and said, ‘Ascetic Purity!’ Just like that, from the odor alone. I was later told it was Shiva’s flower when he was doing his tapasya.

These people have an age-old knowledge – the ancient Vedic knowledge which they have preserved. In other words, it is something CONCRETELY TRUE: it doesn’t depend at all on the mind, on thought or even on feelings – it’s a vibration.

What about this flower, this long corn-like stalk? Yes, this flower is Shiva, doing his tapasya.

And interestingly enough, its smell is fantastically attractive to snakes; it makes them come from far away to nest in the shrubs. And as you know, the serpent is the power of evolution, it is Shiva’s own creature; he always puts them on his head and around his neck because they symbolize the power of evolution and transformation. And snakes like this flower; it often grows near rivers, and wherever there is a cluster of the plants you are sure to discover snake nests.

I find this very interesting, for WE didn’t decide it should be like this: these are conscious vibrations in Nature. The fragrance, the color, the shape, are simply the spontaneous expressions of a true movement.

04. February 1961 – Snakes and other stories about Tlemcen

What does the serpent represent physically?

What does it embody in the material world?

The vibration of evolution.

I don’t mean symbolically, but physically, materially: the animal itself.

A formidable concentration of vitality – of all animals, the serpent has the most vitality. It’s tremendous! And energy... progressive energy, energy of movement (progressive in the mechanical sense). Its meaning has been changed to a psychological one, but it’s a force of movement.

Then why do these creatures always seem so evil to us?

The Christians say it’s the spirit of evil, but this is due to a lack of understanding.

Théon always told me that the true interpretation of the Biblical story of the serpent in the Garden of Eden is that humanity wanted to pass from a state of animal-like divinity to the state of conscious divinity by means of mental development, symbolized by eating the fruit of the Tree of Knowledge. And this serpent, which Théon always said was iridescent, reflecting all the colors of the prism, was not at all the spirit of evil, but the power of evolution – the force, the power of evolution. And it was natural that this power of evolution would make them taste the fruit of knowledge.

Now, according to Théon, Jehovah was the chief of the Asuras, the supreme Asura, the egoistic God who wanted to dominate everything and keep everything under his control. And of course this act made him furious, for it enabled mankind to become gods through the power of an evolution of consciousness. And that’s why he banished them from Paradise.

Although told in a childish manner, there’s a great deal of truth in this story, a great deal.

(silence)

One could almost say that of all animals, the serpent is the most sensitive to hypnotic or magnetic power. If you have it (magnetic power comes from the most material vital), you can easily gain a mastery over snakes; all the people who like snakes have it and use it to make snakes obey them.... That’s how I got out of my encounter with the cobra at Tlemcen – do you know the story? Théon had told me about this power and I was aware of it in myself, so I was able to make the cobra obey and he left. Afterwards (I’ve told this story, too), I was visited by the King of Serpents – I mean the spirit of the species. He came to me in Tlemcen after this and another incident when I helped a cat overpower a little asp (there are asps over there like Cleopatra’s, very dangerous) – a big russet angora cat. At first it started to play with the asp, but then naturally grew furious. The asp struck at the cat, but the cat leapt aside with such swiftness that the asp missed it (I watched this going on for more than ten minutes, it was extraordinary). Just as the snake darted by, the cat would swat at it with all his claws out – and the asp got scratched each time, so that little by little it ran out of energy, and at the end.... I stopped the cat from eating it – that part was disgusting!

Then after these two incidents, I received a visit one night from the King of Serpents. He was wearing a superb crown on his head – symbolic, of course, but anyway, he was the spirit of the species. He had the appearance of a cobra, and he was wonderful! A formidable beast, and... wonderful! He said he had come to make a pact with me: I had demonstrated my power over his species, so he wanted to come to an understanding. ‘All right,’ I said, ‘what do you propose?’ ‘I not only promise that serpents won’t harm you,’ he replied, ‘but that they will obey you. But you must promise me something in return: never to kill one of them.’ I thought it over and said, ‘No, I can’t make this promise, because if ever one of yours attacks one of mine (a being that depends upon me), my pact with you could not stop me from protecting him. I can assure you that I have no bad feelings and no intention of killing – killing is not on my program! But I can’t commit myself, because it would restrict my freedom of decision.’ He left without replying, so it remains status quo.

I have had several experiences demonstrating my power over snakes (not so much as over cats – with cats it’s extraordinary!). Long ago, I often used to take a drive and then stop somewhere for a walk. One day after my walk, as I was getting back into the car to drive away (the door was still open), a very large snake came out, right from the spot I had just left. He was furious and heading straight towards the open door, ready to strike (luckily I was alone, neither the driver nor Pavitra were there, otherwise...). When the snake had come quite near, I looked at him closely and said, ‘What do you want? Why have you come here?’ There was a pause. Then he fell down flat and off he went. I hadn’t made a move, only asked him, ‘What do you want? Why have you come here?’ You know, they have a way of suddenly falling back, going limp, and prrt! Gone!

How many, many experiences there were during those days at Tlemcen! Surely you’ve heard them.... Were you there when I told the story about the big toad? A huge toad, covered with warts. No?... The sitting room was upstairs in Théon’s house (the house was built on a hillside) and it was connected by large open doors to a small terrace that sat almost on top of the hill. I played the piano in this room every day. And one day, what did I see hopping in through the open bay windows but an enormous black toad – enormous! He sat down on his backside right in the entrance and puffed up his throat: poff! poff! And for the whole time I played, he stayed there going ‘Poff! poff!’, as though in a state of delight! When I finished, I turned around and he gave me one last ‘Poff!’ and hopped away. It was comical!

Théon also taught me how to turn aside lightning.

Oh (laughing), he had a formidable power! Théon had a formidable power.... One stormy day (there were terrible thunderstorms there), he climbed to the high terrace above the sitting room. ‘It’s a strange time to be going up there,’ I said to him. He laughed, ‘Come along, don’t be afraid!’ So I joined him. He began some invocations and then I clearly saw a bolt of lightning that had been heading straight towards us suddenly swerve IN THE MIDST OF ITS COURSE. You will say it’s impossible, but I saw it turn aside and strike a tree farther away. I asked Théon, ‘Did you do that?’ He nodded.

Oh, that man was terrible – he had a terrible power. But quite a good external appearance!

Have you seen his photo? No? I’ll have to show it to you. He was a handsome man, about sixty years old – between fifty and sixty.

And do you know how he received me when I arrived there?... It was the first time in my life I had traveled alone and the first time I had crossed the Mediterranean. Then there was a fairly long train ride between Oran and Tlemcen – anyway, I managed rather well: I got there. He met me at the station and we set off for his place by car (it was rather far away). Finally we reached his estate – a wonder! It spread across the hillside overlooking the whole valley of Tlemcen. We arrived from below and had to climb up some wide pathways. I said nothing – it was truly an experience from a material standpoint. When we came in sight of the house, he stopped: ‘That’s my house.’ It was red! Painted red! And he added, ‘When Barley came here, he asked me, “Why did you paint your house red?”’ (Barley was a French occultist who put Théon in touch with France and was his first disciple.) There was a mischievous gleam in Théon’s eyes and he smiled sardonically: ‘I told Barley, “Because red goes well with green! “‘With that, I began to understand the gentleman.... We continued on our way uphill when suddenly, without warning, he spun around, planted himself in front of me, and said, ‘Now you are at my mercy. Aren’t you afraid?’ Just like that. So I looked at him, smiled and replied, ‘I’m never afraid. I have the Divine here.’ (Mother touches her heart.)

Well, he really went pale.

There were all kinds of stories in the countryside, terrible stories....

One day I will find his photo and show it to you; he is there with a big dog he called ‘Little Boy,’ a dog that could exteriorize – he would dream and go out of his body! This dog had a kind of adoration for me. (I should mention that at a fixed time in the afternoons I used to meditate and go into trance. When it was finished I would go out walking with Théon, and the dog always came with us, usually coming to fetch me in my room.) One day I was lying on a divan in trance when I felt his cold muzzle nudging my hand to wake me. I opened my eyes... no dog. Yet I had positively, clearly felt his cold muzzle. So I got ready, went downstairs, and who did I find fast asleep on the landing but Little Boy – he was in trance as well! He had come to wake me in his sleep. When I reached the landing he woke up, shook himself and trotted off.

It was an interesting life....

We used to go for walks in the nearby countryside to see the tombs (it was a Muslim country). I no longer recall their Arabic name, but there is always a guardian at Muslim tombs – a sage, like the fakirs of India, a kind of priest responsible for the tomb. Pilgrims go there as well. Théon was friendly with one particular sage, and would speak with him and tell him things (at these times I would see the mischief in Théon’s eyes). One day, Théon took me along. (According to Islamic tradition I should have been fully covered, but I always went out in a type of kimono!) Théon addressed the sage in Arabic; I didn’t understand what he said, but the sage rose, bowed to me very ceremoniously and went off into another room, returning with three cups of sweetened mint tea (not teacups, they put it in special little glasses – extremely sweet tea, almost like mint syrup). The sage was watching me, I was obliged to take it....

The pine tree story is also from Tlemcen.

Someone had wanted to plant pine trees – Scotch firs, I think – and by mistake Norway spruce were sent instead. And it began to snow! It had never snowed there before, as you can imagine – it was only a few kilometers from the Sahara and boiling hot: 113 °F in the shade and 130 °F in the sun in summer. Well, one night Madame Théon, asleep in her bed, was awakened by a little gnome-like being – a Norwegian gnome with a pointed cap and pointed slippers turned up at the toes! From head to foot he was covered with snow, and it began melting onto the floor of her room, so she glared at him and said:

‘What are You doing here? You’re dripping wet! You’re making a mess of my floor!’ ‘I’m here to tell you that we were called to this mountain and so we have come.’ ‘Who are you?’

‘The Lord of the Snow.’

‘Very well,’ replied Madame Théon, ‘I shall see about that when I get up. Now go away, you’re spoiling my room!’

So the little gnome left.

But when she awoke, there was a puddle of water on the floor, so it couldn’t have been a dream. And when she looked out the window, all the hills were snow-covered!

It was the first time. They had lived there for years but had never seen snow. And every winter after that, the hillsides would be covered with snow.

(silence)

You see, when people are in this occult consciousness, everything is possible – it creates an atmosphere where ALL, all is possible. What to our European common sense seems impossible... is all possible.

She was English and he.... I don’t know whether he was Polish or Russian (he was of Jewish origin and had to leave his country for that reason). But they were both European.

It was a very interesting world. Really, what I saw there.... Well, once you left, you would ask yourself, ‘Was I dreaming?!’ It all seemed so fantastic!

But when I recounted these experiences to Sri Aurobindo, he told me it was quite natural: when you have the power, you live in and create around yourself an atmosphere where these things are possible.

Because it is all here, it just hasn’t been brought to the surface.

07. February 1961 – To lead a spiritual Life

(Mother reads the following letter aloud in English, before sending it to a disciple.)

‘You ask me what you must do. It would be better to ask what you must be, because the circumstances and activities in life have not much importance. What is important is our way of reacting towards them.’

This is where it begins....

‘Human nature is such that when you concentrate on your body you fall ill; when you concentrate on your heart and feelings you become unhappy; when you concentrate on the mind you get bewildered.’

(Laughing) And it’s absolutely true!

‘There are two ways of getting out of this precarious condition.

‘One is very arduous: it is a severe and continuous tapasya.

It is the way of the strong who are predestined for it.

‘The other is to find something worth concentrating upon that diverts your attention from your small, personal self. The most effective is a big ideal, but there are innumerable things that enter into this category. Most commonly, people choose marriage, because it is the most easily available (Mother laughs). To love somebody and to love children makes you busy and compels you to forget your own self a little. But it is rarely successful, because love is not a common thing.

‘Others turn to art, others to science; some choose a social or a political life, etc., etc.

‘But here also, all depends on the sincerity and the endurance with which the chosen path is followed. Because here also, there are difficulties and obstacles to surmount.

‘So, in life, nothing comes without an effort and a struggle.

‘And if you are not ready for the effort and the struggle, then it is better to accept the fact that life will be dull and unsatisfactory, and submit quietly to this fact.’

That’s for the complainers.

(long silence)

And it’s absolutely true – true at each stage, on all levels. Whatever level you have attained, even the very highest, if you concentrate on that [the body], it is finished! And all the difficulties begin, you know, with that very concentration that tries to draw down Light and Power – yogic concentration itself.

So it would seem... that if one wants to use his individuality, his body, to transform the whole – that is, if one wants to use his bodily presence to act upon the universal corporeal substance – there’s no end to it. No end to the difficulties, no end to the battle... BATTLE!

(silence)

Those who try to lead a spiritual life have always been compared to warriors (there are classic writings on this subject), and one must truly be a fighter – ‘fighter’ is more exact than ‘warrior’ because you wage war against no one: everything wages war against you! Everything... (Mother makes a gesture like an avalanche falling upon her) and with such savage opposition!...

Ah, well....

(silence)

You see, as long as there are currents swirling within you – swirling in the mind or the vital – you tell yourself that these currents are the cause of all the difficulties. But when there is nothing any longer?... When there is a serene and immutable peace... but still you are relentlessly hounded – oh, with such ferocity!... You cannot imagine.

(silence)

Since mid-November, this body has been living through every possible difficulty, one after another, one after another – sometimes all together – with relentless violence!

It has been good for it (not externally, but inwardly, for its state of consciousness: the body- consciousness), it has done the body some good, but.... Now it’s like this (Mother opens her hands in a gesture of total surrender). For each blow it receives (it’s a bludgeoning, my child!), for each blow, it remains like this (same gesture). Yesterday, to make it happy, I wrote down something like this (concerning its latest difficulty): If this present difficulty is useful... (it’s the body addressing the Lord, and the Lord.... it’s a perpetual adoration: all the cells vibrate, vibrate with the joy of Love; yet despite that...), if this or that difficulty is useful for Your Work – so be it. But if it is an effect of my stupidity (it’s the body speaking), if it’s an effect of my own stupidity, then I beseech You to cure me of this stupidity as quickly as possible.

It doesn’t ask to be cured of the illness! It doesn’t ask, it is ready; ‘All right,’ it says. ‘As long as I can keep going, I will keep going. As long as I can last, I will last. But that’s not what I’m asking for: I am asking to be cured of my stupidity.’ I believe this is what enables it to... yes, what gives it the necessary endurance.

That’s enough. I said I wouldn’t say anything! You see how you are.... When I’m up in my room, I always tell myself, ‘Not a word today!’ I don’t want to start saying unpleasant things. And then....

Unpleasant?

Yes. It is better to speak of victory than... (Mother laughs) to speak of difficulties!

When we used to discuss all these things and the difficulties of the path, Sri Aurobindo told me (he was comparing his body to mine): ‘I don’t have the stuff of such endurance. I was not cut out like that – your body is solid!’ (gesture)

What trials it has gone through!... And it’s so docile, so docile, it doesn’t complain.

11. February 1961 – Mother’s comment on Aphorism 55

55 – Be wide in me, O Varuna; be mighty in me, O Indra; O Sun, be very bright and luminous; O Moon, be full of charm and sweetness. Be fierce and terrible, O Rudra; be impetuous and swift, O Maruts; be strong and bold, O Aryama; be voluptuous and pleasurable, O Bhaga; be tender and kind and loving and passionate, O Mitra. Be bright and revealing, O Dawn; O Night, be solemn and pregnant. O Life, be full, ready and buoyant; O Death, lead my steps from mansion to mansion. Harmonise all these, O Brahmanaspati. Let me not be subject to these gods, O Kali.

He invokes all these Vedic gods and tells each one to take possession of him; and THEN he tells Kali to free him from their influence! It is very amusing!

It’s written in black and white, but the people here read and don’t understand what they’re reading, and that’s a pity. They have to be told, ‘This means that’!

T. asks, ‘Why don’t the gods help us? Why do they keep us in bondage?’

That’s not what Sri Aurobindo means! He means he doesn’t WANT to be limited by the gods, not even by their powers. He wants to be vaster than they are: vaster, more total, more complete. It’s not a question of getting rid of their influence but of becoming more than that.

(silence)

For Sri Aurobindo, the important thing was always the Mother. As he explained it, the Mother has several aspects, and certain aspects are still unmanifest. So if he has represented the Mother by Kali in particular, I believe it’s in relation to all those gods. Because, as he wrote in The Mother, the aspects to be manifested depend upon the time, the need, the thing to be done. And he always said that unless one understands and profoundly feels the aspect of Kali, one can never really participate in the Work in the world – he felt that a sort of timid weakness makes people recoil before this terrible aspect.

11. February 1961 – Satprem's dream; Mother's Work on her Body

Last night I had a dream about you that made a vivid impression on me. It’s probably absurd, but it was so real!... You had called me because you were going to leave your body: you had decided to leave and you wanted somehow to say good-bye. It was so real! I came to you and for a moment you placed my head on your knees, and I was filled with light; it was very tender. But at the same time, I knew you were saying good-bye, you were going to leave your body, and I wept in my dream. Then I went to sit in a corner because there were other people who probably had come to see you as well. I remained in that corner, stricken – it seemed so real, you understand! Just then, a man I didn’t know entered the room (I knew he was French), a stranger dressed all in black, and he started making a loud commotion. He was smoking a pipe, a very coarse man, and he wanted to make all the people there, the disciples, get out of the room.... It was so real! I awoke with a start and almost cried aloud, ‘Ah, it’s a dream! It’s only a dream!’

Oh, it was that real!

Yes, it was that real! It was during the first hours of sleep, at 11:40 p.m. It was very, very vivid I awoke with a start, exclaiming to myself, ‘Ah! It’s only a dream!...’But it seemed so TRUE! It left a deep impression on me. I remained awake for a long time, wondering, ‘What can this mean?...’ You had a tiny, pinched face (you were dressed all in white), such a pinched face, very... (how can I express it?) emaciated, as though you were suffering.

(Mother remains silent for a long while, then replies.) Quite evidently, the adverse forces are not only trying to convince everyone but me too, that this is how it’s going to turn out.

But I have as yet had no indications.

I have asked to be forewarned, not for reasons of.... It can happen any time at all, I am always ready. I can do nothing more for the work than what I am doing now, and I haven’t a single practical measure to take because I have already taken them all. So that isn’t why, but to... AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE to withdraw from the body all that has been put into it. There is such an accumulation inside it of force, consciousness, power, oh!... All the cells are impregnated and it would take some time if it all had to be taken out. But I have had no indication of this, neither by night nor by day, neither awake nor in trance – no indication. The indication rather points to all that must be clarified, purified so the physical may keep what it received from that experience [of January 24, 1961].

From an ordinary standpoint, I believe the situation is dangerous, because... (laughing) the doctor refuses to tell me what the consequences might be. I asked him but he wouldn’t tell me, so that’s what it must mean! But I really have no indications and... I hope I won’t be told, ‘Now you must go,’ only at the very last minute!

The body doesn’t ask (it’s so docile), it doesn’t even ask for its sufferings to stop – it adapts to them. It’s mainly my contact with people that makes the thing difficult: when I am all alone upstairs, everything goes well, quite well. But when I spend one or one and a half hours in the afternoon seeing people, afterwards I feel exhausted. That, obviously, is what’s making the thing difficult.... But the body doesn’t complain. It doesn’t complain, it’s ready. The other day when it went back upstairs, it felt a bit – well, at the end of its resources, as though it had pushed itself to the limit. It said to the Lord (and it said this so clearly, as though the consciousness of the cells were speaking; I noted it down): If this (I can’t call it an illness – there is no illness! It’s a condition of general disequilibrium), if this condition is necessary for Your Work, then so be it, let it go on. But if it’s an effect of my stupidity... (you see, it’s the BODY saying, ‘If it’s because I don’t understand or I am not adapting or not doing what I should or not taking the proper attitude...’), if it is an effect of my stupidity, then truly I pray that.... It asks only to change – to know and to change!

It is attached to nothing: none of its habits, none of its ways of being-nothing. It says in all sincerity, J ask only for the Light, only to change.’ That is its state. it has never, never said, ‘Oh, I’m tired, I’ve had enough!’ Bah! It’s not like that. It is attached to nothing – for a long, long time it has ceased to have desires – it is attached to nothing at all, to nothing. There isn’t a single thing for which it says, ‘Oh, I can’t do without that!’ Not one. It doesn’t care-if something comes, it takes it; if it doesn’t come, the body doesn’t think about it. In other words, it’s truly good-natured. But if this isn’t sufficient, then it doesn’t know and it says, ‘If there is something I can’t do or I don’t know or I am not doing...’ It asks for nothing more than to make the necessary effort!

(silence)

It all began with some extremely violent attacks. So if your dream is not premonitory, then it must be the result of ‘their’ formation, by which they intend to disseminate the conviction everywhere, as much as possible, that this is the end.... Two years ago, when I had to retire to my room, a formidable campaign was set into operation upon all the Ashram people; and all those who were a little receptive, either in dreams or through an openness to suggestions, heard it clearly announced: ‘On the 9th of December of this year [1958], Mother will leave. There’s no doubt about it, it’s sure.’ It was said to me as well: ‘This will be the end, you will leave.’ It was repeated to everybody, everybody, a great many people heard it – they were virtually awaiting it. And this is why (you know how extremely ill I was at the time, I was really ill), this is why I didn’t react, but all the same I didn’t go to the lake [the lake estate where Mother was to have gone on the 9th of December], because I told myself, ‘If anything happens there, it will be awkward – I had better not go.’ But still I knew it wasn’t true, I knew it.

Now this kind of attack has stopped, it is no longer like that. But there are beings who send dreams. For example, some dreams were sent to Z (who, as you know, is quite clairvoyant), in which she was told I would be ‘broken to pieces.’ She was very upset and I had to intervene. Is your dream of this nature, or... are you being forewarned? I don’t know, I can’t say.... If the doctor were asked, perhaps he would say that if it continues like this, obviously... (you see, one thing after another is getting disorganized), if it continues in this way, how long can the body last?

But this body feels so strongly that it exists ONLY because the divine Power is in it. And constantly, for the least thing, it has only one remedy (it doesn’t think of resting, of not doing this or that, of taking medicine), its sole remedy is to call and call the Supreme – it goes on repeating its mantra. And as soon as it quietly repeats its mantra, it is perfectly content. Perfectly content.

(silence)

Two nights ago, I saw a formation of illness over the entire Ashram, a kind of adverse formation trying to prevent me from leaving my room, and I had to hide to get out, leave clandestinely. Oh, what a terrible atmosphere, so heavy, so gray – everybody was ill. And this formation had some actual effects because many people fell ill who normally never do. It is an adverse formation and there’s no reason to concede its victory; it’s simply a force which doesn’t want us to succeed, of course – so we need not pay attention.

The trouble is, if I were thirty or forty years old, people wouldn’t be affected. But unfortunately they think about how old I am all the time and... it creates a bad atmosphere. ‘After all,’ they keep saying, ‘Mother is old and....’All the usual nonsense.

But I know differently and so does my body – to me it’s all foolishness and has no importance. For instance, when Vinoba Bhave came to see me (the man who takes care of poor people), he looked at me and said, ‘Oh, you’ll live a hundred years!’ And I simply said, ‘Yes,’ it all seemed so natural. At that moment, there wasn’t even (how to put it?) the least intimation of a doubt. Of course it’s a cliché, but nevertheless, he said it; afterwards he told people that this was what he had felt. And it seems completely natural – I know if my body can last till it’s a hundred (a little less than twenty years more), then we will be on the other side – the difficulty will be over.

I rather feel that your dream is another part of this present mass attack, but....

There was one bizarre little detail: someone told me you were leaving because you had swallowed something – I understood it to be a ‘grain of rice’ – and that was why you had to leave! You had swallowed something... and that was making you leave.

(After a long silence) This would rather indicate those who disapprove of my non-asceticism. It would seem to originate from those particular forces.

You see, there’s a curious fluctuation possibly indicating that your dream is part of the present attack which continues with such violence.... The night before last, between midnight and half-past, there was a formidable attack. When I emerged from it, I felt that something had lifted, a victory had been won and that the body’s condition had improved. It happens like that, the horizon clears and this Certainty comes with.... (The presence is always here – Sri Aurobindo and I are together almost every night – but the night when I saw that formation, the illness spell over the Ashram, Sri Aurobindo was quite sick in his bed, just as I saw him in 1950.) So when it lifts, all is well: once again there is harmony, there is joy, there is force... and again the whole thing continues, the effort continues, consciously. Yet there is a kind of fluctuation: it will go on like that for a few moments or a few hours and then suddenly everything becomes muddled again and I am beset by... a fatigue. A fatigue which is – I can’t say almost unbearable, because nothing in the consciousness feels it to be unbearable – but it makes me like this (Mother clenches her fist tightly in a tension to ‘hold on).

For example, at five-thirty in the evening, after I’ve spent an hour and a half here with people, it’s a labor to climb the stairs; and by the time I get upstairs, I feel strained to the breaking point. Then I begin to walk (I don’t stop, I don’t rest), I immediately begin to walk with my japa, and within half an hour, pfft! it has lifted.

But the body’s fatigue doesn’t go: it’s there – it’s contained but it is there.

Yet I haven’t the slightest impression that the horizon is blocked – you know, that the end is at hand, that the condition has to be changed and the Work begin again on another plane and in another way; in other words, that everything attempted so far would have been only a preparation for... for later. I still don’t have that feeling. If I ever do, I will say, ‘Very well, that’s quite all right with me,’ but I don’t have this feeling. Will I ever have it?... I don’t know – usually (laughing), I know these things! For instance, I know for certain when someone is going to die, even before there’s the least indication. So....

In the present case, of course, the body is always saying, ‘I am ready for everything – I will do anything at all’; yet I still can’t say that it has this.... It’s trying to be completely ‘pure’ according to the spiritual concept – it doesn’t sense its separate personality. More and more, year after year, it has been striving to feel only the divine Presence, the divine Life, the divine Force and the divine Will, all within itself; and to feel that without them it is nothing, it doesn’t exist. This is fully realized in its consciousness (the conscious part). In the subconscient and inconscient, obviously... it is not realized... otherwise, logically, it shouldn’t be ill.

The whole disorder evidently originates from the subconscient and inconscient (The terminology used by Mother and Sri Aurobindo is distinct from the terminology of Western psychology. This is how Sri Aurobindo defines ‘inconscient’ and ‘subconscient’: ‘All upon earth is based on the Inconscient, as it is called, though it is not really inconscient at all, but rather a complete “sub”-conscience, a suppressed or involved consciousness, in which there is everything but nothing is formulated or expressed. The subconscient lies between this Inconscient and the conscious mind, life and body.’ (Cent. Ed., XXII, p. 354)); all the more so as it came with various indications (sent by the hostile forces – but this can always be useful, provided you are careful) saying, ‘Yes, everything is going well in your higher centers, but...’(because the different points of attack have clearly followed the order of the centers). Four or five days ago, or maybe a week, before this latest difficulty occurred, I saw little beings coming out of the subconscient and saying, ‘Ah! Your legs haven’t had any trouble for a long time! It’s the turn of the lower centers!’ I swept it all away, of course, but....

Taken this way, it could be an indication that all this needs... a somewhat brutal preparation in order to be put in the necessary condition.

(silence)

The most violent attack came immediately after that experience [of January 24, 1961]. But of all the experiences in my life, this was the most wonderful – for the simple reason that it was NOT EVEN preceded by an aspiration, not even an aspiration from the body – it came directly as the Supreme Will, bang! (Mother bangs down her hands in an irresistible gesture) And then there was nothing, nothing but... THE thing, WITHOUT ANY PERSONAL PARTICIPATION WHATSOEVER: no will, no aspiration, not even the satisfaction of it – nothing. It was.... I was (in my higher consciousness) filled with wonder at the ABSOLUTENESS of the experience. It came, a thing DECREED and eternal – like that (same irresistible gesture).

This detachment, as I told you, came afterwards (it was evidently indispensable); and as soon as it came, everything began to get disorganized. Well, the detachment must surely have come so that.... Actually, my immediate impression was: so that I wouldn’t get worried and say to myself, ‘Oh, now it won’t work any more – this is the end.’ So I wouldn’t worry. ‘All right,’ I said, ‘don’t bother with it.’(gesture of surrender, hands opened upwards) And for the first two or three days I was absolutely detached, watching and not bothering about it. It’s only with this last attack on my legs.... Because the rest of it tired me and made me ill but it didn’t hinder my work; but things become difficult when the legs don’t function.

We shall see, mon petit! We’ll see what’s going to happen (Mother laughs).

But I have no doubts about that! It just came to me – not because I was consciously concerned about Your physical future: this dream simply came so unexpectedly and vividly....

No, no – I know that! I tell you, it can only be one of two things: either a good kick from the Enemy who is still trying to find a support in someone’s mentality, or else premonitory.

I certainly hope not!

Yes, the grain of rice rather makes me think otherwise – that it comes from that quarter. We shall see, we shall see! We have only to wait. One day we are sure to know!

I know for certain that if I can keep going until 1964, then.... That isn’t long, but it will be dangerous until 1964. It’s these years in particular: ‘61, ‘62... ‘63 is better, ‘64 is decidedly better, and from 1965, we should be on the safe side.

But truly speaking, the minute one completely emerges from the ordinary mind, NO EXTERIOR SIGN IS A PROOF, absolutely none. There is absolutely no standard to go by – neither splendid good health nor good equilibrium, nor an almost general disorganization – none of these. All depends exclusively – exclusively – on... what the Lord has decided. Exclusively. Consequently, if one remains very quiet, one is sure to know what He has decided.

When I am perfectly tranquil, I immediately live in a beatific joy where questions don’t arise – there are no questions! One asks for nothing – one LIVES! One lives happily, and that’s all. There’s no, ‘Will it be like this? Will it be like that?’ – how childish! There are no questions, questions don’t arise. One is a beatitude manifesting, that is all.

All the rest is unimportant.

Basically, if we were capable of.... When I am up in my room, it’s very easy, very easy: it comes and... what is a little more difficult is getting out of that state. There I am, like this (gesture of blissful abandonment), and when I feel it’s time to go downstairs or I have something to do or someone is coming with lunch or whatever, then it’s a little difficult; otherwise, I am like that (same gesture). What’s difficult is my contact with the Ashram people. As soon as I go down and... simply that, having to fidget on my feet, giving people flowers.... And they are so unconsciously egotistical! If I don’t go through the usual concentration on each one of them, they wonder, ‘What is it? What’s wrong? Have I done something?...’ And... and it turns into a big drama.

Otherwise, concentration is very good, it doesn’t tire me – when my body is not drained, when it isn’t constantly aware that it exists because it hurts here, hurts there, aches here, aches there (pain is what gives it a sense of existing), when the body is able to forget itself, things go well, it’s nothing. Now the Force passes through me without causing fatigue, while many years ago, too much Force created tension; but it’s not like that now, not at all – on the contrary, the body feels better when a lot of force has passed through it.

I don’t know. We shall see.

(silence)

To realize what one has to realize, it is absolutely indispensable to be TOTALLY free of all ties with the ordinary, false consciousness common to material body-consciousness – the consciousness of the body-substance – deriving from the subconscient and the inconscient. This must not only be mastered (it has been mastered for a long time) – but there must be complete independence so that it no longer has the power to provoke any reaction at all. But we aren’t there yet, it’s still not like that, and as long as it isn’t, we are not on the safe side. But when all the body’s cells, even in their most subconscious reactions, will come to know what I myself know, that the Supreme alone exists, when they will know that, it will be good – not before. As I told you just now, they still have ordinary reactions: ‘If I have to stay on my feet,’ (this isn’t a thought; I’m obliged to use words, but it isn’t a thought), ‘If I have to stay on my feet, I’m going to get tired; if I do too much, I’ll be tired, if I do this, it will have that consequence, if....’ This stupid, automatic little mechanism. it’s not yet THAT, not yet That!

Of course, there’s the constant difficulty of all the thoughts coming from outside and from the people you live with. But now the consciousness is such that these outer things are seen objectively (Mother makes a gesture of seeing vibrations coming and stopping before her eyes) – automatically I see everything that comes from the surrounding vibrations objectively: far, near, above, below, everywhere. The vibration comes WITH THE KNOWLEDGE. In other words, it’s not that you see what it is only after it has been received and absorbed: it comes with the knowledge, and this is a great help. This type of perception has considerably increased and become much more precise since that experience [of January 24, 1961], much more; it has made a big difference.

But perhaps there will have to be many experiences of this nature before the work is done. It is possible.

Something from that experience – an effect, a vibratory effect, so to speak – has not left. But the totality of the experience is not here the whole time, it’s not established. I had a reminder of it one night, but not for very long; all at once, for a brief moment, this same vibration came, and my entire body was nothing other than this Vibration.

It didn’t last longer than a quarter of an hour and it wasn’t as total.

(long silence)

This particular period was very bad last year too. There was a tremendous opposition because of February 29th [first anniversary of the supramental manifestation]. But always a little before Darshans or days for special blessings there is a new outbreak of adverse attacks – always.

Well, mon petit, we have done nothing but talk. It’s time to go and we haven’t done anything!

There is one question I would very much like to ask you... How can all this work you are doing on your body, this work of consciousness, act upon the corporeal substance outside you? How is it generally valid?

In the same way as always – because the vibration spreads out! That’s how it works.

For example, each time I have been able to master something, I mean find the true solution for an ‘illness’ or a malfunctioning (the TRUE solution, not a mental one, not some ordinary knowledge, but the spiritual solution: the vibration that will UNDO the wrong working or set you on your feet again), it has always been very easy for me to cure the same thing in others, through the emission of this vibration.

That’s how it works. Because all substance is ONE. All is one – we constantly forget that! We always have a sense of separation, and that is total, total falsehood; it’s because we rely on what our eyes see, on... (Mother touches her hands and arms, as if to indicate a separate body, cut off from other bodies). That is truly Falsehood. As soon as your consciousness changes a little, you realize that... what we see is like an image plastered over something. But it’s not true, NOT TRUE AT ALL. Even in the most material Matter, even a stone – even in a stone – as soon as one’s consciousness changes, all this separation, all this division, completely vanishes. These are... (how to put it?) modes of concentration (something akin to yet not quite that), vibratory modes WITHIN THE SAME THING.

(The clock strikes) Oh, now I must go!

(silence)

My legs feel better after staying still! (Mother laughs)

Anyway, I don’t need to tell you that the best attitude to take regarding this dream is: ‘May Your Will be done,’ and tranquil, tranquil.

You can even receive the answer yourself and know where this dream comes from – simply turn towards the supreme Truth, remain like that (immobile) and say, ‘May Your Will be done.’ It has to go very high, very high, to the highest, to that which is supreme Freedom. And then, if you are absolutely silent, you will have, not a thought or a word, but a kind of feeling, and you will know.

For me, at the moment, your dream does not correspond to a precise fact.

The terminology used by Mother and Sri Aurobindo is distinct from the terminology of Western psychology. This is how Sri Aurobindo defines ‘inconscient’ and ‘subconscient’: ‘All upon earth is based on the Inconscient, as it is called, though it is not really inconscient at all, but rather a complete “sub”-conscience, a suppressed or involved consciousness, in which there is everything but nothing is formulated or expressed. The subconscient lies between this Inconscient and the conscious mind, life and body.’ (Cent. Ed., XXII, p. 354)

ADDENDUM:

Since ‘Bohr’s atom’ at the beginning of the century, which with its electrons orbiting around a central nucleus like planets around a sun was to have been the mathematical model representing the ultimate constituent of matter, nuclear physicists have discovered many new elementary particles in the universe: from leptons to baryons, with neutrinos, pions, kaons, psi and khi particles in between!

A recent – and unifying (!) – theory postulated by the American Nobel Laureate, Murray Gell-Mann, would reduce this somewhat startling enumeration to more reasonable proportions through the introduction of a unique sub-particle constituting all matter: the quark. Nevertheless, there would still exist several kinds of quarks (e.g., ‘strange,’ ‘charmed,’ ‘colored’ in red, yellow and blue) for accommodating the various qualities of matter. A proton, for example, would consist of three quarks: red, yellow and blue. However, it should be noted that quarks are basically mathematical intermediaries to facilitate the comprehension or interpretation of certain experiments thus far unexplained. Moreover, the simple question still remains, even if they do exist materially: ‘What are quarks made of?’

Nevertheless, a mathematical model resulting from a recent theory that attempts to represent our material universe strangely resembles Mother’s perception, for it postulates a milieu consisting entirely of electromagnetic waves of very high frequency. According to this theory, Matter itself is the ‘coagulation’ of these waves at the moment they exceed a certain frequency threshold; our perception of emptiness, of fullness, of the hard or the transparent, being finally due only to the differences in vibratory frequencies – ‘vibratory modes within the same thing.’

But what is this ‘same thing’?

In the end, the Agenda is simply Mother’s long quest in search of the reality of Matter: what is Matter... truly? The ‘transformation’, perhaps, means simply to ‘un-cover’ what is actually there.

14. February 1961 – Sri Aurobindo about the Soul

Sri Aurobindo wants to make the distinction between the progressive soul (the soul which has experiences and progresses from life to life), what can be called the ‘lower soul,’ and the higher soul, that is, the eternal, immutable and divine soul – essentially divine. He wrote this when he was in contact with certain Theosophical writings, before I introduced Théon’s vocabulary to him. For Théon, there is the ‘divine center’ which is the eternal soul, and the ‘psychic being’; similarly, to avoid using the same word in both cases, Sri Aurobindo speaks in later writings of the ‘psychic being’ and of the divine center or ‘central being’ – the essential soul. (The Synthesis of Yoga, Cent. Ed., Vol. XX, p. 303)

18. February 1961 – Mother talks about her leg

Right in the subconscient, a subconscient... oh, hopelessly weak and dull and... (how to put it?) enslaved to a host of things – enslaved to EVERYTHING. It has been unfolding before me night after night, night after night, to show me. Last night, it was indescribable! It goes on and on – it seems to have no limits! Naturally, the body feels the effects of this, poor thing! It is the body’s subconscient, but it’s not personal – it is personal and not personal: it becomes personal only when it enters the body.

You can’t imagine the accumulation of impressions recorded and stored in the subconscient, heaped one on top of another. Outwardly, you don’t even notice, the waking consciousness isn’t aware of it; but they come in, they keep on coming and coming, piling up... hideous!

So we’ll see how long this is going to last.... I understand why people have never tried to change it: stir up that quagmire?... No! It takes a lot (laughing), a lot of courage! Oh, it’s so easy to escape, so easy to say, ‘None of that concerns me. I belong to higher spheres, it doesn’t concern me.’

Anyway, it’s obvious that nobody has succeeded, so far not a single person – and I understand! I understand. When you find yourself face to face with it, you wonder, ‘How could anything possibly withstand this!’

My body was strongly built, solid, full of endurance – it had a tremendous energy, yet... it’s beginning to feel that it isn’t easy.

(silence)

Now, what do you have to tell me? I have nothing to say. As long as it’s like this, it will keep going on, that’s all. Later on, we shall see.

But is it necessary to descend to the same level as all these subconscious things? Can’t they be acted upon from above?

Act from above.... My child, I have been acting from above for more than thirty years! It changes nothing – or if it changes... it doesn’t transform.

Then one must descend to that level?

Yes. By acting from above, one can keep these things under control, hold them in place, prevent them from taking any unpleasant initiatives, but that’s not.... To transform means to transform.

Even mastery can be achieved – it’s quite easy to do from above. But for the transformation one must descend, and that is terrible.... Otherwise, the subconscient will never be transformed, it will remain as it is.

One can even pose as a superman! (Mother laughs) But it remains like that (gesture in the air), it’s not the real thing. It’s not the new creation, it’s not the next step in terrestrial evolution.

You might as well say, ‘Why are you in a hurry? Wait for Nature to do it.’ But Nature would take a few million years and in the process squander away a host of people and things. A few million years are unimportant to her – a passing breeze.

(silence)

Anyhow, I was sent here to do this work, so I am trying to do it, that’s all. I could have.... If it hadn’t been for the work, I would have left with Sri Aurobindo; there you have it. I remained only for the sake of the work – because it was there to be done and he told me to do it and I am doing it.... Otherwise, when one is perfectly conscious, one is far less limited without a body: one can see a hundred people at the same time, in a hundred different places, just as Sri Aurobindo is doing right now.

If I may ask, has Sri Aurobindo remained quite conscious of material things?

Completely. (Mother reflects a moment) Well, completely material, no – only through me. He is conscious of material things through me, not directly. He is very conscious in the subtle physical, but that’s not quite the same, not quite (Mother makes a vague gesture), there is a difference.

To give a rather curious example, there was a kind of spell of illness over the Ashram, stemming mainly from people’s thoughts, from their way of thinking. It was quite widespread and it was horrible, gloomy, full of fear, pettiness, blind submission, oh! Everyone was in a state of expectation.... In short, the atmosphere was such that there was an attempt to prevent me from leaving my room – I had to sneak out! It was disgusting! Well, on the very night I saw the spell over the Ashram, Sri Aurobindo was lying sick in his bed, just as I had seen him in 1950. Normally, we spend almost every night together, doing this, seeing that, arranging things, talking – it’s a kind of second life behind this one, and it makes existence pleasant. But that night when I had to sneak out of my room (in my nightgown!), and people were trying to find me to... (laughing) force me back into bed, he was lying sick in bed – and this struck me hard, for it means these things still affect him in his consciousness. He was in a kind of trance and not at all well. It didn’t last, but nonetheless....

18. Feb 1961 – Mother talks about her experience of January 24

A great deal has been brought to light since that experience.... It has been the starting point for such turmoil, even physically, such strong jolts that I might have wondered, ‘Was I dreaming or was it real?’.... And more and more I am coming to understand that this is the INDISPENSABLE preparation in the most material world for that experience to become definitively established, to express itself outwardly, constantly – this is obvious.

If the experience remained permanently, it would be something very close to omnipotence. I felt at the time that there was no such thing as an impossibility: it was truly the sensation of omnipotence. It is not omnipotence, because there is always a greater Omnipotence (one knows this only in the higher realms). But in terms of the material world, it was clearly something very, very different from all that has ever been seen or heard or told by all extant traditions – it all seems like the babbling of a child in comparison. At that moment itself there was only the ‘Something’ which sees, decides – and it is done.

(silence)

It did not remain. It has remained above, but not here.

It has given the physical consciousness a certain self-confidence in the sense that when I see something now, I am sure of it, there are no hesitations: ‘Is this right or not? Is this true, is this....’All that has vanished – when I see, there is certainty. That is, there has really been a great change in the material CONSCIOUSNESS; but that formidable power is not there. I tell you, had that power stayed here, had I remained constantly as I was during those hours that night, well, many things would obviously have changed.

All this must be a preparation; there is a lot to be cleared out before the experience can be firmly established. That’s logical, it is quite natural.

What’s natural also – and annoying – is that people know nothing, understand nothing, even those who see me all the time, like the doctor. He still hasn’t been able to understand and he suddenly grew worried, thinking I was on my way to the other side! All this makes a mess of the atmosphere – it just doesn’t help! Their faith is not sufficiently... (how to put it?) enlightened for them to keep still and simply say, ‘Well, we shall see,’ without questioning. They are not beyond questioning and this complicates matters.

I have a feeling (but these are old ideas) that if I were all alone somewhere and didn’t have to look after these people and things, it would be easier. But that would not be the TRUE thing. For when I had the experience [of January 24, 1961], all that is normally under my care was present: the whole earth seemed to be present at the experience. There is no individuality (Mother indicates her body). I have difficulty finding an individuality now, even in my own body. What I do find in this body are the subconscious vibrations (conscious as well as subconscious) of a WORLD, a whole world of things. So it can be done ONLY on a large scale, otherwise it’s the same old story... but then it’s not the power HERE [in matter] – one simply quits this world. Oh, these people can’t imagine what it is! They have made such a fuss over their ‘departure.’ They have wanted us to believe it was something quite extraordinary. But it’s infantile, it’s child’s play, it’s nothing at all to quit this world! One simply goes ‘poff!’, like diving into water – a little kick and one resurfaces, and that’s all there is to it, it’s done (Mother laughs).

And the same goes for their stories about attachments and desires – my god! There’s nothing to it! Imagine, with anything concerning my body, through all this horror of the subconscient, NOT ONCE have I had to bear the consequence of a desire; I have always had to bear the consequences of the battle against life’s unconscious and malicious resistances, but not once has something come up like that (gesture of something resurging from below) to tell me, ‘You see! You had a desire, now here’s the result of it!’ Not once – very, very sincerely.

That’s really not the difficulty – the difficulty is that the world is not ready! The very substance one is made of (Mother touches her body) shares in the world’s lack of preparation – naturally! It’s the same thing, the very same thing. Perhaps there is a tiny bit more light in this body, but so little that it’s not worth mentioning-it’s all the same thing.... Oh, a sordid slavery!

18. February 1961 – Mother about publishing A. P's Evening Talks

Oh, in that, too, there are a lot of.... I myself wasn’t present, so I don’t know what Sri Aurobindo said, but I have a kind of feeling.... Just recently they wanted to publish something similar in Mother India – ‘Conversations’ with me noted by A. Luckily it was sent to me first: I Cut EVERYTHING! Such platitudes, my child! Oh, it was disgusting. I said, ‘This is impossible. I have NEVER spoken like that, never!’ It was flat, flat, flat, with a superficial, word-for-word understanding! Oh, horrible, horrible.... Whatever passes through people is terribly, terribly lowered – popularized, made commonplace.

Anyhow.... Only Sri Aurobindo can speak of Sri Aurobindo. And as for their notes, it’s still Sri Aurobindo A la Z, or Sri Aurobindo A la A, and all the more so since Sri Aurobindo wrote in very different ways depending upon the person he was writing to (gesture indicating different levels).

25. February 1961 – Flowers and their meanings

This one is the Constant Remembrance of the Divine (Lonicera japonica (Japanese Honeysuckle)).

This is Life Energy (Chrysanthemum, yellow) and Purified Life Energy (Chrysanthemum, white).

Then Faithfulness (Quisqualis indica): the peace of Faithfulness – Faithfulness to the Divine, of course, that’s understood!

This is Divine Solicitude (Malvaviscus arboreus); this is the Aspiration for Transformation (Millingtonia hortensis (Indian Cork Tree)), and the response:

see how beautiful it is – like velvet! it’s the Promise of Realization (Tropaeolum majus (Nasturtium)).

Here is Light Without Obscurity (Eucharis grandiflora (Amazon Lily)), and finally Realization (Delonix regia (Gul Mohur Tree)) – the first flower from the tree at Nanteuil.

There you are.

You can easily make a speech using flowers and I have noticed that this can effectively replace the old Vedic images, for instance, which no longer hold meaning for us, or the ambiguous phraseology of the ancient initiations. Flower language is much better because it contains the Force and is extremely plastic – since it’s not formulated in words, each one is free to arrange and receive it according to his own capacity. You can make long speeches using flowers!

25. February 1961 – The Great Secret...

There’s an American living in Madras, a rather important man, it seems, and an intimate friend of Kennedy, the new President. He has read and reread all of Sri Aurobindo’s books and is extremely interested. He wrote to Kennedy that he would like him to come here so he can bring him to the Ashram. This man has posed a very interesting question, drawing an analogy.... Deep in a forest, a deer goes to quench its thirst; no one is aware of it, yet someone who has made a special study of deer hunting would know by the tracks that the deer had passed by – not only what particular type of deer, but its age, size, sex, etc. Similarly, there must be people with a spiritual knowledge analogous to that of hunters, who can detect, perceive, that a person is in touch with the Supermind, while ordinary people know nothing about it and wouldn’t notice. So he asks, ‘I would like to know by what signs such a person can be recognized?’

It is a very intelligent question.

I replied very briefly in English. I haven’t brought my answer with me, but I can tell you right away that there are two signs – two certain, infallible signs. I know them through personal experience, for they are two things that can ONLY come with the supramental consciousness; without it, one cannot possess them – no yogic effort, no discipline, no tapasya can give them to you, while they come almost automatically with the supramental consciousness.

The first sign is perfect equality as Sri Aurobindo has described it (you must know it, there’s a whole chapter on equality, Samata, in The Synthesis of Yoga) – exactly as he described it with such wonderful precision! But this equality (which is not ‘equanimity’) is a particular STATE where one relates to all things, outer and inner, and to each individual thing, in the same way. That is truly perfect equality: vibrations from things, from people, from contacts have no power to alter that state.

In my reply I mentioned this first, though I didn’t give him all these explanations. I put it in a few words as a kind of test of his intelligence, and in a somewhat cryptic form to see if he would understand.

The second sign is a sense of ABSOLUTENESS in knowledge. As I have already told you, I had this with my experience [of January 24, 1961]. This state CANNOT be obtained through any region of the mind, even the most illumined and exalted. It’s... not a ‘certainty,’ it’s (Mother lowers both hands like an irresistible block descending), a kind of absoluteness, without even any possibility of hesitation (there’s no question of doubt), or anything like that. Without (how to say it?).... All mental knowledge, even the highest, is a ‘conclusive’ knowledge, as it were: it comes as a conclusion of something else – an intuition, for instance (an intuition gives you a particular knowledge, and this knowledge is like the conclusion of the intuition). Even revelations are conclusions. They’re all conclusions – the word ‘conclusion’ comes to me, but I don’t know how to express it. This isn’t the case, however, with the supramental experience – a kind of absolute. The feeling it gives is altogether unique – far beyond certainty, it is... (Mother again makes the same irresistible gesture) it is a FACT, things are FACTS. It is very, very difficult to explain. But with that... one naturally has a complete power – the two things always go together. (In my reply to this man I didn’t speak of ‘power’ because the power is almost a consequence and I didn’t want to speak of consequences.) But the fact remains: a kind of absoluteness in knowledge springing from identity – one is the thing one knows and experiences: one is it. One knows it because one is it.

When these two signs are present (both are necessary, one is incomplete without the other), when a person possesses both, then you can be sure he has been in contact with the Supermind. So people who speak about receiving the Light... well, (laughing) it’s a lot of hot air! But when both signs are present, you can be sure of your perception.

(silence)

It is quite evident that with these two things, you truly... it’s what Sri Aurobindo says: you step into another world, you leave this entire hemisphere behind and enter another one. That’s the feeling. The day it’s established, it will be good.

(silence)

And it results neither from an aspiration nor a seeking nor an effort nor a tapasya nor anything else: it comes, bang! (same irresistible gesture) And when it goes away, something like... like an imprint in the sand remains – in the consciousness. The consciousness is like a layer of sand on which the experience has left an imprint. If you stir about too much, the imprint vanishes; if you remain very still, it.... But it’s only an imprint. And it can’t be imitated. What’s marvelous is that it can’t be imitated! All the rest, all the ascetic realizations, for example, can be imitated, but you can’t imitate this, it is... there is no equivalent.

It’s like the extraordinary feeling I had in my experience that night [of January 24, 1961] – the individuality, even in its highest consciousness, even what’s known as the atman and the soul, had nothing to do with it. For it comes like this (same gesture), with an absoluteness. There is NO individual participation – it’s a decision coming from the Supreme.

It’s the same thing for the rest: all your aspiration, all your tapasya, all your efforts, all that is ‘individual’ – absolutely no effect. It comes, and there it is.

There is only one thing you can do – ANNUL YOURSELF as much as possible. If you can annul yourself completely, then the experience is total. And if your ‘disappearance’ could be constant, the experience would be constantly there – but that’s still far away.... I don’t know if all this... (Mother looks at her body).

(silence)

Obviously, the body needed a test, a VERY SEVERE test, because... from a personal viewpoint, it’s the only explanation I can find for all these disorders. There are many explanations from a general viewpoint, but.... Anyway, I will know the day I am told – all these imaginings are useless. But from a personal viewpoint.... You see, for a long time (more than a year now, probably almost two), this body hasn’t felt its limits. It is not at all its former self; it is scarcely more than a concentration now, a kind of agglomeration of something; it is not a body in a skin – not at all. It’s a sort of agglomeration, a concentration of vibrations. And even what is normally called ‘illness’... (but it is not illness, these are not illnesses, they are functional disorders), even these functional disorders don’t have the same meaning for the body as they have for the doctor, for instance, or for ordinary people. It’s not like that, the body doesn’t feel it like that. It feels it rather as... as a kind of difficulty in adjusting to some new vibratory need.

(silence)

Formerly, when it couldn’t do its work, the body had a kind of impatience – a feeling that despite all its aspiration and goodwill to be a fit instrument, these disorders were barring the way. Even this has completely gone.

Now the body has a kind of extraordinary smile for everything. At the end of the day, with the accumulation of everything coming from the people I have seen and the work I have done, when I have to push and pull myself just to climb the stairs because my legs are like... iron rods, without any will (that’s the most terrible part: they don’t respond to the will), even at times like these, when my arms are what pull me up the stairs (no longer my legs), the body doesn’t protest, doesn’t protest. Then it begins walking back and forth for japa. And after half an hour of walking, things are infinitely better (Mother makes a gesture of the Force descending into her body).

(silence)

But the body itself doesn’t know why this is happening.... And in fact, it finds it unnecessary to try: it’s like that because it’s like that. And were it called upon, it would say, ‘Very well, when conditions ought to be otherwise, they will be otherwise.’ That’s exactly its position.

Evidently this was necessary. We shall see.

(silence)

All this [the world, the Ashram] is held in my consciousness with a kind of essential compassion applying equally to all things, all difficulties, all obstacles. I receive letters by the dozens, as you know, and each person comes to me with his own little misery or problem, inner or outer (a tiny pimple becomes... a mountain). When people come to me, my inner consciousness always responds in the same way, with a kind of... equality and compassion for all. But when people are talking to me or I am reading a letter and my body grows conscious of what it calls the ‘to-do’ they make over their miseries, it has a kind of feeling (I mean there is a feeling in the cells): ‘Why do they take things like that! They are making things much more difficult.’ The body understands. It understands that their way of taking the least little difficulty in such a blind, egotistical and self-centered manner, increases its difficulties furiously!

It’s a rather amusing sensation, a combination of sensation and feeling, that the ordinary human attitude towards things multiplies and magnifies the difficulties to FANTASTIC proportions; while if they simply had the true attitude – a NORMAL attitude, quite simple, uncomplicated – ahh, all life would be much easier. For the body feels the vibrations (those very vibrations which concentrate to form a body), it feels their nature and sees that its ‘normal’ reaction, a peaceful and confident reaction, makes things so much easier! But as soon as this agitation of anxiety, fear, discontent comes in, the reaction of a will that ‘doesn’t want any of it’... oh, right away it becomes like water boiling: pff! pff! pff! like a machine. While if the difficulty is accepted with confidence and simplicity, it’s reduced to its minimum, and I mean purely materially, in the material vibration itself.

Almost (I say ‘almost’ because the body hasn’t had every experience), but almost all pains can be reduced to something absolutely negligible. (Of course, some pains it hasn’t had, but it has had a sufficient number!) It’s this anxiety resulting from a semi-mental vibration (the first stirrings of Mind) that complicates everything, everything! For example, take this difficulty I mentioned of climbing the stairs: in the doctor’s consciousness or anyone else’s, pain causes it. According to their ordinary reasoning, pain is what tenses the nerves and muscles so one can no longer walk – but this is absolutely FALSE. Pain does not prevent my body from doing anything at all. Pain isn’t a factor, or rather it’s a factor that can be easily dealt with. It’s not that: it is Matter; Matter (probably cellular matter, or...) losing its capacity to respond to the will, to will-power. But why?... I don’t know! It depends upon the particular disorganization; but why is it like that? I don’t know.... Now each time I climb the stairs, I am trying to find the means of infusing Will in such a way that this lack of response doesn’t last – but I still haven’t found it. Although there’s all this accumulated force and power and will (a tremendous accumulation, I am BATHED in it, the whole body is bathed in it!), yet for some reason it doesn’t respond. Here and there, groups of cells fail to respond, and the Force cannot act. So what must be found is....

(silence)

Even in this, right now, in what I am saying, there’s a sense of tapasya; there’s the whole inner consciousness making the body do a tapasya. But my knowledge and my certainty (what I KNOW) is that it may be a necessary preparation, but it is NOT what accomplishes the work. Rather, it is something acting like that (Mother abruptly turns her hand over to indicate a reversal of states). And when it goes ‘like that,’ it is done, all is done. All is done.

Are these disorders necessary for it to become ‘like that’?... I have my doubts. I have my doubts. But the question can’t even be asked, because what it implies seems to verge on a fatalism having no truth in itself – it is not a fatalism, not at all. What is it?... Something that defies expression.

Even the body, the body itself, has the constant perception of bathing in the vibration of the CONCRETE divine Presence; so certainly from a psychological standpoint there is not the slightest shadow in the picture. Even from the material standpoint, this Presence is here. Yet although it is here, felt, perceived and experienced, there is still this disorder! (I call it disorder.)

It is a great Mystery... oh!

All is a great Mystery.

What Sri Aurobindo calls ‘the Great Secret’ – a GREAT secret. The day we find it... things will change.

(long silence)

How clearly one sees and knows that even the HIGHEST, the most luminous intelligence can understand nothing, nothing – it is idiotic to try.

(silence)

All our aspirations, all our seekings, all our ascents always remind me of that flower I gave you the other day: it’s something like that (Mother makes a vague, ethereal gesture), vibrating, vibrating, vibrating, very luminous, very delicate, essentially very lovely... (silence) but it is not THAT (Mother again turns her hand over to indicate an abrupt reversal). It is not That.

(silence)

It is the VERY NATURE that changes, it is... something else.

Always, when this feeling of absoluteness – an absolute – comes (in whatever realm it may be), it carries EVERYTHING within it, it is....

(silence)

Even ‘absolute’ is not strong enough (Mother makes a gesture of a solid block descending). That is why one speaks of an irrevocable, irremediable absolute... but I don’t know how to express it. And NOTHING BUT this Absolute exists, there is nothing else. There is only that.

And everything is there in it. When that comes, all is well.

So, mon petit, I have talked the whole time and we still haven’t done anything – another day without working! (Mother laughs)

It’s a curious thing... speaking evidently helps me follow the experience. But I can’t just begin speaking all alone up in my room! And talking to a tape recorder is useless. Up to now, it certainly flows the best with you – by far. I haven’t tried with others, although occasionally I’ve said something to Nolini, but his receptivity is fuzzy (I don’t know whether you can understand this impression: it’s as though my words were going into cotton-wool). Once, as I told you, I spoke with R., and with him I felt that three quarters of it was absolutely lost – and as a matter of fact it was. But with you I begin to SEE, and the need to formulate makes me concentrate on my vision. And this I experience with you more than I ever have with anyone. So....

So you are bearing the consequences!

Well, then – do you need anything?... Nothing?... Petit, when I have something especially good for lunch, I always feel like giving it to you!...