December 1962

04. December 1962 – The Experience of the Supreme

Spiritually, you have that experience as soon as you come into contact with the Divine within; mentally, you have the experience as soon as the mind is purified; vitally, you have it as soon as you get out of the ego. But it's the consciousness of the BODY – the consciousness of the cells – which had the experience at that moment. Everything else had had it long before and was constantly aware of it, but the body.... It had been told about it and believed in it, but it didn't have the experience in such a concrete, total and absolute manner that it can't be forgotten for a single second.

At that moment, the physical being and the individual, personal body had the experience once and for all.

The body always used to let itself be carried along. It was one in consciousness with Sri Aurobindo's presence, and depended on it without the least worry; it felt that its life depended on it, its progress depended on it, its consciousness, its action, its power all depended on it. And no questions – it didn't question. For the body, it was absolutely IMPOSSIBLE that things could be otherwise. The very idea that Sri Aurobindo might leave his body, that that particular way of being might no longer exist for the body, was absolutely unthinkable. They had to put him in a box and put the box in the Samadhi for the body to be convinced that it had really happened.

And that's when it had that experience.

This body is very conscious, it was BORN conscious, and throughout those years its consciousness went on growing, perfecting itself, proliferating, as it were; this was its concern, its joy. And with Sri Aurobindo, there was such peaceful certitude, there were no more problems, no more difficulties: the future was opening up, luminous and peaceful and certain. Nothing, nothing, no words can describe what a collapse it was for the body when Sri Aurobindo left.

It's only because Sri Aurobindo's conscious will entered into it – left one body and entered the other.... I was standing facing his body, you know, and I materially felt the friction as his will entered into me (his knowledge and his will): "You will accomplish my Work." He said to this body: "You will accomplish my Work." It's the one thing that kept me alive.

Apart from that.... There's nothing, no physical destruction I can think of, comparable to that collapse.

It took me twelve days to get out of it – twelve days during which I didn't speak a single word. So the experience I mentioned is the PHYSICAL experience.


What he is now striving to give this body is the consciousness of Permanence, of Immortality, of the Certitude of absolute security – in Matter, in Life, in every moment's action. And that is becoming nearer and nearer, more and more constant. Gradually, the mixture of old impressions is disappearing – that's the BEDROCK, the basis of the transformation.

In the true movement, you feel the Absolute and Eternity physically. How?... It's impossible to describe, but that's how it is. And the minute you get out of That, when you fall back even slightly into the ordinary movement, the old movement, there's a feeling of ABSOLUTE uncertainty! Uncertainty at every second. It would be impossible for an ordinary human being to live in that consciousness, with that sense of total and absolute uncertainty, of total and absolute impermanence – it's no longer a destruction, but it's not yet an ascending transformation. Absolute instability. It doesn't last more than a fraction of a second – just enough time to become aware of oneself, that's all.

If the other movement weren't getting more and more established, it would be unbearable, as they say in English.

The quality of those two vibrations (which are still superimposed, so one can be aware of them both) is indescribable. One is a kind of fragmentation, an infinite fragmentation and absolute instability: like a powdery cloud of atoms in ceaseless movement; and the other is eternal immobility, just as I described it the other day: an infinite Immensity of absolute Light.

The consciousness is still going from one to the other.


Everything else... what to say? It might almost be called a diversion. Outside of that, all the other experiences are pastimes, just something to fill the void. A perpetual picture show.


And with this new perception I feel, inexpressibly, a concentration of... the truth of what we call Sri Aurobindo gathering around and on and within this body (there is really neither "within" nor "without"). And the body, which has reopened the doors it had closed to be able to go on, feels an increasingly total and unmixed identity, to the point where, if I give my hand free rein, my handwriting begins to resemble Sri Aurobindo's – tiny, like his.

And it's not what one might imagine, it's not one form entering another – it doesn't keep him from being wherever he wants to be and doing whatever he wants to do, appearing as he wants to appear and being involved with everything happening on earth: it doesn't change any of that. And it's not just a part of him... [that is in Mother, but his totality]. And that's how I know he was manifesting the Absolute, he was a manifestation of the Absolute. Of course, afterwards he revealed himself as what I had called "the Master of Yoga"; that was the reason he came on earth (what people here in India call an Avatar). But that's still a way of seeing things SEPARATELY: it's not the thing – THE thing.

12. Dec 1962 – Onslaught against the Mother after S.A. departed

And in fact, it began with the usual suggestion: "Sri Aurobindo has gone, so there's no reason for you to stay here – why don't you just leave as soon as you can?" In other words, everything's going to pieces.

Well, my usual answer, the only answer that has some weight with those beings, is "It's not up to me. It's up to the Lord, address yourselves to Him." Then they keep quiet. They come back another time, hoping to succeed, and the response is always the same, which they find somewhat discouraging. After a while it's over. But... really, everything imaginable; and precisely for those who were progressing steadily: a collapse into all the old errors and stupidities. And then a sort of hate coming out of everything and everybody and hurled at me, with this inevitable conclusion: "What are you doing here! Go away, you're not wanted. Nobody wants you, can't you see that!" "It's not up to me, it's none of my business. Wanted or not, I am here for as long as the Lord keeps me here; when He no longer wants to keep me here, He'll make me go, that's all – it's none of my business." That calms them down, it's the only thing that calms them down. But it doesn't discourage them!

Now I am just waiting for the hurricane to pass.

Since 1950, I must say, it has been the same thing EVERY year at this time. And with the same suggestion (which they make not only to me but to everybody, to all those who listen): "Sri Aurobindo has gone, what's she doing here? She should just leave!" And some of them are relentless: "She WANTS to leave," they say. Not "She must leave," but "She's GOING to leave; take it from me, she's leaving, now's the time, she's going to leave. And surely you can see that none of this is real, it just doesn't make sense. Sri Aurobindo left because he was disgusted. He has gone, so logically she must go too." That's the picture.

Actively, there's only one thing to do: "It's not up to me, it's the Lord who decides. It's the Lord who acts, it's the Lord who organizes everything – and to top it off, it's even the Lord who sends you away!" That irks them more than anything! (Mother laughs.)

15. December 1962 – Théon's religious theory

No, Théon always said that the "Serpent" had nothing to do with Satan, it was the symbol of evolution (Théon was entirely pro-evolution), the spiral path of evolution, and that the earthly paradise, on the contrary, was under the domination of Jehovah, the great Asura who claimed to be unique, who wanted to be the only God. For Théon, there is no such thing as a one and only God: there is the Unthinkable. It's not a "God."

But to me this seems to come from his Jewish background. Because Théon was Jewish, even though he never mentioned the fact (the Tlemcen officials made it known: when he arrived he had to tell them who he was). He never spoke of it and he had changed his name. They said he was of Jewish origin, but they could never say whether he was Polish or Russian. At least the person who told me never knew. But for the Jews it's the "Unthinkable," whose name must not be uttered (it is uttered only once a year, on the "Day of Atonement"; I think that's what it's called). It's the word Yahveh, and it must not be uttered. But the prayers speak of the "Elohim," and the Hebrew word "Elohim" is plural, meaning "the invisible lords." So there was no one and only God for Théon, only the unthinkable Formless; and all the invisible beings who claimed to be one and only gods were Asuras.

He used to call Christ "That young man"! (Laughter) It was very funny. Anyway, that's the story. I found this again, and it amused me.

Oh, I understand! Because it's true, you know, that an Asura is behind it all – not Christ! Sri Aurobindo considered Christ an Avatar (a minor form of Avatar). One emanation of the Divine's aspect of Love, he always said. But what people have made of him!... Besides, the religion was founded two hundred years after his death. And it's nothing but a political construction, a tool for domination, built with the Lord of Falsehood in the background, who, in his usual fashion, took something true and twisted it.

It's a real hodgepodge, that religion – the number of sects! The only common ground is the divinity of Christ, and it became asuric when he was made out to be unique: there has been but ONE incarnation, Christ. That's just where it all went wrong.

Oh, if you mean the puritans, the Protestants... dreadful! They're the worst. Catholicism still retains something of the occult sense, and after all, they have a certain adoration for the Virgin, which keeps them in contact with something that's not asuric.

The last Pope, who's dead now [Pius XII], had broadened both his own mind and Church doctrine a lot: he was a devotee of the Virgin.

But the Protestants turned back to the Father, and so their worship became exactly the worship of a one and only, personal God, an asuric God. And they have fabricated and distorted everything: like asceticism, for instance, and all that sort of thing – everything they touched was twisted and spoiled.

19. December 1962 – Ups and downs of life and body

It was difficult and it attracts a lot of.... It's like another type of exercise, as if my body were now being taught other kinds of things, another way of being, you understand, another way. And it's trying to find a harmony, the equilibrium of a constant harmony. But it's very, very, very difficult. It's not at all the usual condition: in ordinary life, the cells are accustomed to a very restless and unexpected life, with ups and downs, peaks of intense sensation, now sorrow, now pleasure, now acute pain, now something very pleasant – all of this jumbled up in a sort of chaos. And I have realized that for the people here, even those near me, it's even worse than that! This doesn't make sense to me any more. On its own the body is naturally in a sort of gently undulating movement, a very harmonious, very peaceful, very quiet movement. And when it's not forced into outer activity there's such a wonderful sense of the divine Presence everywhere, everywhere – in it, around it, over it, in everything, everywhere... and so concrete! (Mother touches her hands, her arms, her face, as if she were bathing in the Lord.) It's really inexpressible. And well, THAT'S what it wants to have ALL THE TIME, in all circumstances, even when it's forced to have contacts with the outside. So I can't go too quickly; things like the balcony cause a bit too much pressure, and the body starts feeling a little unsure of itself.

Yesterday, for instance, I had to see F. and R., since they had just arrived the day before. I spent three-quarters of an hour with them, and by the time it was over they had literally EMPTIED the atmosphere of all spiritual sense – it had become empty and hollow. It took me two or three minutes of concentration (which isn't so long) to bring it all back to normal.

I haven't seen much of that room, I haven't been there often. I went to see what it was like for the first time the evening before the inauguration, and it gave me the feeling of something totally empty – you know, hollow and dry. It was so strong that the body felt like this (wavering gesture, as if Mother were losing her footing). That's how the BODY felt, it's not the consciousness; I am talking about the body-consciousness. The room seemed so hollow and empty that the body felt drained, as if all its force and consciousness had to spread out everywhere in order to fill up that emptiness.

The next day it wasn't like that any more; the work had been done the day before, in one minute (it gets done very quickly, but in a very intense and violent way). I had purposely gone to the room the previous evening, to set things in order, and so the next day it was better, the work was already done. Then I sat down at the organ... it was much better than I expected. It was as if a formation were waiting, and as soon as I sat down it descended. Oh, a marvelous musical joy! I didn't have to look – and when I wasn't looking, I saw everything from within: all the notes, my hands, everything, with eyes closed. And so it descended... I was very happy. I must have played for a good twenty minutes.

After twenty minutes, something said, "That's enough." And I saw that it was enough for the body, that it shouldn't exert itself further – the formation withdrew. I couldn't have played a single note more!... It was very interesting. And I realized that, truly, the will that moves my body isn't at all the same as before. Previously, it was the will of the being that had been placed into and formed in this body (it wasn't personal but still very individual). While now it's not that: it's a Will somewhere (somewhere which is everywhere and in everything), a Will somewhere that decides, and when it says "Do," the body does; when it says "No," nothing in the world could make the body move. And so, that conscious "something" somewhere, which is like an intermediary between the higher Will and the body and its outer life, has to tell the body, "This is necessary." The body never protests, because that which speaks knows VERY WELL. It says, "This is necessary," all right, the body does it. But when it says, "That's enough, now," the body stops. Because (how can I express it?)... FOR THE BODY, the Most High knows better than the intermediary. In regard to circumstances and the vision of the work to be done, it's all one; but for taking care of and educating the body, That (gesture on high) knows best. The intermediary doesn't really care (!), but when That says "do," it's done; "finished," and it's finished. It's very interesting.

Naturally, the whole crowd and the people around me kept asking, "Now that it's all set up, when will there be balcony darshans again?" (Because when I came back inside I said, "So! You've built a balcony, have you?"). "When are we going to have them again?" So the intermediary said, "I don't know, it's not up to me." Consternation! Then I kept very quiet for a little while, listening on high, and from high, high up there came, very slowly (it comes practically drop by drop because you have to do it VERY quietly – it comes drop by drop), what That said I had to reply: "Nothing definite." I was told, "It depends." It all depends – I clearly see that it all depends on the special work being done on my body and on the results of that work. And it isn't formulated: I am not told, I am not told what's going to happen; I am only told, "Here's how it might be." (Mother laughs) All right. "That's fine," I said.

But it was funny; it was really an experience, because had you asked me my impression beforehand ("my," I mean what usually talks), my impression was that I just had to decide to go to the balcony and it would happen (the only impossibility I saw was finding time for it). But that's not how it is, that's not it AT ALL. It's something else, utterly new, something I don't know; I have absolutely no reference points, and... decisions are made on the highest level – only with regard to the body. I mean for the work in general, for the terrestrial vision and all that, there's no difference: it's seen, it's known. But for this special thing in the body, I am not consulted.

In the end, Sri Aurobindo told me it was an overmental creation, not the Truth. These were his very words: "Yes, it's an overmental creation, but that's not the truth we're seeking; it's not the truth, the highest truth," he said.

I made no reply, not a word: in half an hour I had undone everything – I undid it all, really everything, cut the connection between the gods and the people here, demolished absolutely everything. Because you see, I knew it was so attractive for people (they were constantly seeing the most astonishing things) that the obvious temptation was to hang on to it and say, "We'll improve on it" – which was impossible. So I sat down quietly for half an hour, and I undid it all.

We had to start over again with something else.

But I said nothing, I told no one about it except Sri Aurobindo. At the time I let no one know, because they would have been completely discouraged.

When experiences happen to other people (they have no knowledge – ignorance is the most widespread thing), they take them all for dreams. So there's no point trying to explain anything to them, they just don't understand. Everything gets classified as dreams, dreams, dreams.

This must have happened in the afternoon, between 12:30 and 1:30, when I am here – in appearance, anyway, my body is here lying down.


According to what we know, yes, it might be what's called a phenomenon of ubiquity.

But for instance, if this had happened with people who know nothing of my outer life, they would have said, "But Mother went outside, I saw her." I had experiences like that in Paris (it happened to someone else, not me personally). Someone swore that another person (who, by the way, was with me at the time) had come to him, spoken to him and even clapped him on the shoulder – all the typical phenomena of ubiquity which in this case were explained by mental concentration. But this person had no idea that it was impossible (according to material logic) for the other one to have come to him, you see. So he quite simply and naturally said, "But look, I saw him, I spoke to him, he clapped me on the shoulder!"

28. December 1962 – The whole story of transformation

This cleansing of the middle ground is the whole story of Sri Aurobindo and the Mother... "I had been dredging, dredging, dredging the mire of the subconscious.... The supramental light was coming down before November, but afterwards all the mud arose and it stopped." Once again Sri Aurobindo verified, not individually this time but collectively, that if one pulls down too strong a light, the violated darkness below is made to moan. It is noteworthy that each time Sri Aurobindo and the Mother had some new experience marking a progress in the transformation, this progress automatically materialized in the consciousness of the disciples, without their even knowing anything about it, as a period of increased difficulties, sometimes even revolts or illnesses, as though everything were grating and grinding. But then, one begins to understand the mechanism. If a pygmy were abruptly subjected to the simple mental light of a cultivated man, we would probably see the poor fellow traumatized and driven mad by the subterranean revolutions within him. There is still too much jungle beneath the surface. The world is still full of jungle, that's the crux of the matter in a word; our mental colonization is a minuscule crust plastered over a barely dry quaternary.... And the battle seems endless; one "digs and digs," said the Rishis, and the deeper one digs, the more the bottom seems to recede: "I have been digging, digging.... Many autumns have I been toiling night and day, the dawns aging me. Age is diminishing the glory of our bodies." Thus, thousands of years ago, lamented Lopamudra, wife of Rishi Agastya, who was also seeking transformation.... But Agastya doesn't lose heart, and his reply is magnificently characteristic of the conquerors the Rishis were: "Not in vain is the labor which the gods protect. Let us relish all the contesting forces, let us conquer indeed even here, let us run this battle race of a hundred leadings." (Rig-Veda 1.179)