AGENDA 1965

July 1965


07. July 1965 – I don't believe in illnesses – Savitri B10C3

I don't know for others but for a very long time in life when there is an illness (some illness of any kind) automatically the cells forget everything, all their sadhana and everything, and it is only slowly when you get out of the illness that the cells begin to remember. And then, my ambition was (I remember that, it was long ago, many years ago), my ambition was that the cells should remember when being ill — which is absurd because it would have been better to aspire to have no illness! But for a time it was like that. The first time that the cells remembered, oh, I was very happy. But now, it is the opposite; that is, as soon as the disorder comes, the cells first... first they got a little anxious: "Oh, we are so bad that we are still catching illnesses" — that was a period; and then, afterwards there was the impression: "Oh, You want to teach us a lesson, we have something to learn" — that was already much better: a kind of eagerness. And now there is an intense joy and a kind of power; a power that comes, a power of aspiration and a power of realization that comes with the sense: "We are winning a victory, we are winning a new victory...."

That has been my condition over the last few days.

I know how this cold came in, it comes only by negligence — not exactly... on ne fait pas attention [people are careless].

For instance, the doctor had a cold, I knew it instantly; instantly I did what had to be done, and I didn't catch anything; but someone else had a cold, I wasn't on my guard, and while handling the things he handled, I caught it: I noticed it when it came in — it was already too late. I said, "All right," then it followed its whole course. It was particularly violent, I think, because the cells were feeling, "Ah!" (the joy first), "Ah, now we're going to make some progress!" Then a sort of force, of power of transformation came like that, along with the illness, and that's why the illness developed to the full. At one point it was going to exceed a certain limit and it would have become very inconvenient for the work, so I said, "No, no! Take care, because I can't stop my work like that." As if to say, "Enough of these bad jokes, you don't want to be ill any longer." Then a force came, something... like a boxer.

It was very, very interesting.

And the play of the will on the cells, the way in which the cells obey the will, is very interesting. Because, it goes without saying, now it isn't an individual will (it isn't a personal will, it's nothing that looks like the old business of before), but it is... the Will for Harmony in the world: the Lord in his aspect of harmony. There is the Lord in his aspect of transformation and the Lord in his aspect of harmony. But the Lord in his aspect of harmony has a harmonizing will; so when that will for harmony comes, it acts in its turn, saying, "Not everything for the Will for Transformation! Things shouldn't go too fast because everything will be demolished! The will for harmony should be there and things should follow a rhythmic and harmonious movement," and then everything is sorted out.

To tell the truth (it has been a very intense study these last few days), I don't know what an illness is. They speak of viruses, they speak of microbes, they speak... but we are entirely made up of those things! It's only their interplay, their way of adjusting and harmonizing among themselves that makes all the difference. There is nothing that isn't a "microbe" or a "virus" — they give ugly names to the things they don't want, but it's all the same thing!... For the cells, that's not the problem — the problem is not that, but whether to follow the Will for Transformation (which sometimes is a bit brutal — brutal compared to the very small thing a body is), or whether to follow the Will for Harmony, which is always pleasant, and is always there, even when outwardly things are decomposing.

It's a truer explanation, it explains things better than all the notions of illness.

I don't believe much in illnesses.

There aren't two identical illnesses.

I am sure (I am not a scientist, but if I knew), I am sure that there aren't two identical microbes.

Then Mother takes up "Savitri": The Debate of Love and Death.

Oh, he is base (laughing), base with vulgarity. (Mother reads:)

Daughters of thy own shape in heart and mind

Fair hero sons and sweetness undisturbed...

(X.III.637)

See that joy! Oh!... How vulgar that being is! Can there really be people who are tempted by this?

I think Sri Aurobindo deliberately made this Death very vulgar to discourage all the illusionists and Nirvanists.

But even when I was quite small, five years old, it seemed to me commonplace, while if I had been told, "Let there be no more cruelty in the world," ah, there is something I would have found worthwhile. "Let there be no more injustice, let there be no more suffering because of people's wickedness," there is something one can dedicate oneself to. But producing daughters and sons... I have never felt physically very maternal. There are millions and millions who do that, so do it again? — No, truly that's not what one is born for.

10. July 1965 – Lack of harmony; the white Light

All sensations are false! That's an experience I have dozens of times every day, in every detail. We feel we need this, we feel we need that, we feel pain here, pain there... but it's all false. In reality, it means we have left the state of Harmony, that Harmony which is always there; but we have left it, so we need this, need that, have pain here, pain there. Something is lacking, and That is what is lacking.

There are three states, we could say: the state of Harmony — that is the one we reach towards all the time, and sometimes we catch it for a few seconds, then everything works out as if by miracle; then the usual state of Disorder, in which we are constantly on the verge of something unpleasant, in a precarious balance; and when the disorder grows more visible, there is what they call an "illness," but it isn't real. You see, we think the body is in good health, that it's balanced, and that "something is introduced from outside, which causes you to fall ill," but it's not like that! We are ALWAYS off balance, the body is always off balance (more or less), and it is something else, above, a Will or a Consciousness, that holds it up and makes it work. So if we can call on that Will — that Will for Harmony — and if we can have the Flame within, that Flame of aspiration, and make contact, we emerge from so-called illness, which is unreal, an unreal and false sensation and just one way of being of the general Disorder, and we enter into Harmony, and then everything is fine. Last night I experienced this again, and that's why I can assert with certainty: all sensations are false.

But disorder is everywhere! If it's any consolation to you, my body too is in disorder.... It isn't clearly a disorder but an almost total lack of harmony — it's the constant condition of life; it's the result of effort, of resistance, of enduring, and also of that tension of being in search of something you hope to reach, but which always eludes you — the something that eludes you is That, it's that Harmony (a Harmony which, in its perfection, is Ananda, that's obvious). And the constant state is like that. In fact, that's what causes fatigue, tension and so on. Last night, I spent the whole night looking at that, and I was wondering, "Why is that so?... We are constantly in that state, straining after something that eludes us." And then the senses, the whole realm of the senses seems to be in a constantly false state, and they use that state of tension to give you the feeling that this is going wrong, that is going wrong, and this and that.... And if by ill luck there is a vague hint of mental collaboration (from that famous physical mind), then things go awry, they become something really unpleasant.

But it's not inescapable. It's not inescapable and it's not real — what I call "real" is something that comes from the supreme Will directly. That is true; the rest isn't true, it's the product of all the confusion (zigzag gesture downward) and of all the disorder of the human consciousness — illness isn't true. I don't think that one illness in a hundred (oh, maybe in a thousand) is true. Some are the expression of a Will for something wrong to be well shaken, demolished, so that, in that chaos, something truer may take form — but that's an exceptional state.

I have a very extensive field of experience. I receive a flood of letters from just about everyone, writing about their little disorder, their little illness, their little trouble, and naturally asking for all that to be set right. So that puts me in contact with the vibration (all the people here: that makes a lot), and, well, I can truly say that there isn't, oh, there isn't one case in a hundred that is the expression of the direct Will — it's something... (gesture of a zigzag fall) which goes like this and which in the human consciousness gets into a tangle like a wire that's so twisted that you can't untangle it anymore. And because of that state, you are on the verge, yes, of a discomfort (that's almost constant), of an illness, a disorder. And it is the defeatist mental collaboration (because a special characteristic of this mind is to be defeatist), the collaboration of the defeatist mind and the false senses that make for us the life we live, which is no fun.

For two hours last night I saw that, with proof to back it up, examples. I looked, and I was almost horrified to see the extent to which senses distort — and they distort... (I don't know, there may be people who distort for the better, [laughing] I'm not one of them! But they must be marvelous optimists), the senses distort all the vibrations and constantly turn them into disagreeable things, unpleasant ones at any rate, or even "indications of danger," "warnings of catastrophe." It was fairly repugnant. But I gave free rein to that whole movement in order to see clearly, and all the cellular and other organizations started moaning and groaning, as if saying, "But this life is intolerable, it's intolerable." And I listened to that a little while to see; and here, there and everywhere, there was a general groan. And in the end (gesture of descent of the Will), in one second it all went away!... It was a whole act those senses were putting on for themselves. We are ridiculous beings, that's all (Mother laughs). That was my observation of last night.

Naturally, people aren't openly and constantly like that because another consciousness is there a little and controls things, but if you leave them on their own... I did the experiment, you see, of leaving that field of cellular consciousness fully free, and then there was moaning and groaning. But there was behind, in the background, deep down in the cells, that sort of faith, of absolute need for the Ananda; so they were complaining: "We have been deceived; we are for That alone, why aren't we given it?" (I am adding words to it, but there were no words: there were sensations.)

Of course, we don't take notice, because in the stream of life that's not what governs — fortunately! We look at it from a certain height and don't want to see it — but IT IS THERE. And it is terribly defeatist.

You know the play by Jules Romains in which the doctor declares that a healthy man is a man who doesn't know he is sick? Well, that's the feeling it gives; the disorder is constant, and just because we live in another consciousness we don't see it, but if we observe we are sure to find it. You know, if I observe from that angle, there is absolutely nothing anywhere that is normal, that works harmoniously — nothing. Everything is like this (same zigzag gesture) and it's chaos, and it keeps on working simply because it isn't left to itself, because there is a higher Will that uses all that, making the best of a bad job. But it is a bad job.

I have looked at all the cases (because it interests me a lot), I have looked at your case, I have looked at her case, I have looked at every case, but there isn't one case in which one can say it is a true illness. The idea of illness is: a body (a physical being, anyway) that lives according to certain laws, till suddenly a disorder, something works its way into the body, establishes itself and upsets it; but it's not that! It's not that: it's something that isn't in order — the body isn't in order; only, something predominates in the consciousness, something which is in contact with the disorder, but isn't bothered by it and keeps going. And I have done the same study with supposedly healthy people: it's the same thing. So the conclusion is that the full power should be released, which means that all that sort of disorderly muddle must be made to be governed by a higher Will that imposes itself — it imposes itself. Then, if order isn't completely restored, at least it's kept within certain limits and the body can go on being used as an instrument for the Will that seeks to manifest.

I see this very clearly, not only for this body — for the others too; but for this body, it is seen in the minutest details, because the observation is more constant: it would already have had at least a hundred reasons to die, and if it hasn't died, it's not to blame. It's not to blame, it's because there was something (which fortunately isn't a personal will) that said, "No, go on! Go on, carry on, don't pay attention to yourself." Otherwise, it's falling to pieces.

Now, all this isn't to tell you to do as I do; if you want to tackle the thing from the ordinary angle and to consider it as an "illness," go and show yourself to the doctor and take medicines; I am not opposed to it, but it's just one way of seeing things.

I can tell you that doctors' mental distortions are frightful: they stick in your brain, remain there, and return after ten years. I know it from personal experience, it comes back all the time: "The doctor said it was this, the doctor said it was that, the doctor said..." Not with words, but it comes.

But that doesn't matter, we can tackle the disorder from that angle and then see.

You must get hold of the contact with the body's cells and tell them it's not necessary that blood should come out — (laughing) it's not part of the game! You can make fun of them a little: "You don't need to do that!" Believe me, it's so ludicrous that the only way to deal with it is to laugh at it.

If you don't take any notice, the cells will go on with their dance and will on the contrary think you approve of their way of being. You must pull the Will, you must get hold of the Will — the Will, I am putting it into you, mon petit! I am not asking you to use something illusory: I am putting it into you, a formidable Will. And peaceful, you know, something which doesn't use violence, which is like this (gesture of massive, imperturbable descent).

I can tell you at any rate that it's as effective as medicines! And it doesn't have the drawbacks of medicines, which cure you of one thing and give you another.

I could tell you all sorts of stories, but anyway, stories about doctors aren't amusing; there are always ridiculous details. And it comes back: you throw their suggestion out of the window, you don't bother about it, you think it's all over, and it's gone into the subconscient; and suddenly, one fine day, a tiny little incident, and it comes back, formidable: "The doctor said this... such and such a doctor said this — the Doctor with a capital D said this," or "Medical Science said this," and the cells begin to panic — a frightful hypnotic power.

No, it's an interesting subject... (laughing) I seem not to be taking your misfortune seriously (!), but it's a very interesting subject, I assure you. To me, it belongs entirely to the world of Disorder, it doesn't have any deep truth — it doesn't. So if one lets the power of Truth act, it must give way. I am not saying it gives way willingly, I am not saying it goes away as if by miracle, no, but it MUST give way.

I can tell you (if it helps your physical mind) that in Japan I had a sort of measles (which had its own rather deep reasons) and that the Japanese doctor (who, besides, had studied in Germany, anyway he was a doctor through and through) told me very gravely that I should take care, that I was in the early stages of this wonderful disease, that above all I should never live in a cold climate, and this and that.... I was losing weight and so on. That was in Japan. Then I came here and I said that to Sri Aurobindo, who looked at me and smiled; and it was over, we didn't talk about it anymore. We didn't talk about it anymore and it wasn't there anymore! (laughing) It was all over. When I met Dr. S., years later, I asked him. "Nothing at all," he said, "everything is fine, there is absolutely nothing, not a trace." And I hadn't done anything, I hadn't taken any medicine or any precaution. Only, I had told Sri Aurobindo about it, who had looked at me and smiled.

Well, I am convinced that's how it is, that's all. But the physical mind doesn't believe in that. It believes that that's all very well in the higher realms, but when we are in Matter things follow a law of Matter and are material and mechanical, and there is a mechanism, and when the mechanism... and so on and so forth (not with these words, but with this thought). And one has to keep forever working on that, forever saying, "Oh, put a stop to all your difficulties, keep quiet!"

Only, the Flame must be there — the Flame within, the flame of aspiration and the flame of faith; and then the something that truly wants it to stop. You understand, whether things are this way or that, there is no need for me to present them to my thought and for my thought to accept them; because that's a very dangerous game: when you seek equanimity, you say to yourself, "Well, if this and that happens, what will my reaction be?" And you go on with the little game, till you say, "It's all the same to me." It is a very dangerous game. It's still a way of circling around the goal instead of heading straight for it.

There is only one thing: a sort of flame — a sort of flame that burns all this falsehood.

I have nothing to boast about, you know! I am preaching to this body as much as to others. I should be upright, strong, solid.... Why am I stooped like this? I know why, but it's not a compliment. I know why, it's because all this is still subject to all those suggestions from the world, all the medical thought and all that derives from it and all the suggestions from life. And habits. And all these people here... So there's nothing to boast about. Only, I know (the advantage is that I know it), I know it should be otherwise. I know it and the cells also know it, and I told you, yesterday evening they were crying over it, there on my bed; they kept moaning and groaning: "I was not made for this life of darkness and disorder, I was made for Light, for Strength and Love." And the answer: "Ah! Take it, then!" And they were moaning, "Why am I compelled to be like this?..." And all of a sudden, instead of giving them free play: the full Presence — in one second it was all gone. But the collective suggestion, the collective atmosphere is so... rotten, I may say, that it acts all the time.

And at night, I work, I am tall, I am strong. And it goes on moaning! It's idiotic. Not only idiotic, but there is still that sort of self-pity (Mother strokes her cheek), which of all things is the most repugnant: "Oh, poor little thing, how tired you are. Oh, poor little thing, how people tire you, how hard life is, how difficult things are...." And then moaning and groaning like an idiot. If it were just for me, I would give them a good thrashing! But I am asked not to do it, so I don't do it. But I do feel that before the eyes of this wonderful Grace — of this resplendent divine Love and this omnipotent Power — we are deeply ridiculous, that's all.

(silence)

There are also mischievous spirits. Mischievous spirits that come and suggest all kinds of things. There is a zone there, very near the physical, very near — a zone infested with worms, mon petit! All the bad suggestions of all possible catastrophes, of all malicious ill wills, of all desires.... It's sickening. All that swarms as if you plunged your nose into a vase full of worms. That's troublesome.

Digestive troubles don't stop one from living eighty-six or eighty-seven years. They don't. Since André was born, it has been like that; that means (I was just twenty), that means sixty-seven years. Well (laughing), I give you sixty-seven years to live!

And also, you know, as I have always said, with the enemies that want to scare you or want to sadden you or want to worry you, the only thing to do is laugh in their faces, that's all. You get angry? They're happy, they say, "He's angry" — no, no. You hit out? They escape, they're like jelly, it doesn't affect them. But when you laugh in their faces, they are really annoyed! That's the only thing: to make fun of them. Their stories may scare babies, but not us.

As for us, we live in eternity.

And I tell you (it's the normal, natural state of consciousness), it didn't take a minute last night: it took one second, brrf! finished. Then I entered a sort of peaceful joy, like that, which lasted three hours without a break. After that, the work was resumed.

But before you go to sleep, do this: you picture (picture it if you don't see it), you picture a white light. It isn't a crystalline light, mind you, it isn't transparent: it's white — absolutely white, a very bright white, a white light that looks solid. Picture it like that (and it is indeed like that, but you picture it): a white light. It is the light of the Creation, what is she called?... Maheshwari? (Laughing) The supreme Lady up there.

Yes, Maheshwari.

Maheshwari's light. But it seems I always had it, because when Madame Théon saw me, it's the first thing she told me; she didn't speak of "Maheshwari," but she said, "You have the white light" that automatically dissolves all ill will. And I did experience it: I saw beings crumble into dust. So you take that, picture that, and you build a cocoon around yourself — you know, just as insects build their own cocoons — you build a cocoon before falling asleep. I will do it here, but your "picturing" is to help it be better adapted, better adjusted. You build a cocoon, and when you are quite wrapped in that white cocoon, when the enemies cannot get through it, you let yourself go into sleep. Then all that comes from outside with a manifest ill will cannot get in. That's certain. Naturally, there is what one carries in one's subconscient... one must eliminate that by one's own will, little by little.

But did I tell you the story of I. who was with Dilip? Before meeting Dilip, she had been with a guru, a sannyasin or whatever, and he was absolutely furious at her leaving him, so he cursed her. His curse gave her a sort of thrombosis (you know, when the blood stops flowing and coagulates), anyway it was here, in the neck, near the right arm, I think, and it was very painful — it was even dangerous. She told me about it. I in turn told Sri Aurobindo about it and Sri Aurobindo told me to protect her. I sent my light to the gentleman. That man, frightful things happened to him! He died of a horrible disease. I. went and saw him at that time, a little before he died, and the man (who was conscious) told her, "Here is what your Mother has done with me." He had been conscious. Then I saw that my affair was perfectly objective, because I had never said a word about it to anyone, nothing. And above all, that light had gone through Sri Aurobindo.... I quite simply did that, I put the light, and the gentleman left... for the curse to stop. And as he wasn't too pure, it resulted in a horrible disease.

14. July 1965 – The veins of Gold

This morning I was in a sort of zone — a zone or a vein.... You know, the veins of gold inside the earth? It was like that. In the mental banality of the world, there was a sort of luminous vein going past and in which I found myself plunged — it felt pleasant, it felt very comfortable. And I started noting things down, when those people came with all the usual ineptitudes, each one asking something, each one shut in like this (gesture with blinkers), so it went away.

I called it, "A few definitions."

The first one was about someone going away who wanted to take something [blessed by Mother] for his family. I told him, "Oh, they aren't receptive." So he asked, "What does being receptive mean?" (He didn't ask me, but when he left the room he was scratching his head and he asked his friend, "What does Mother mean? What does being receptive mean?") I answered in English and it took many, many forms, and today, it's one of the things that came in that "vein." And what's peculiar in this sort of experience is that when it comes, the words take on a very precise meaning; I am not at all sure if it's their usual meaning, but they have the vibration of their meaning, a sort of crystalline little vibration. And it comes without alteration. I put:

"To be receptive is to feel the urge to give and the joy of giving to the Divine's Work
all one has
all one is
all one does."

It's the one that came first. After it, there came the old story of "being pure" — what does being pure mean? It doesn't mean all kinds of old moral ideas, no.

"To be pure is to refuse...

In other words, there was the sensation of something very active — very active: being passive wasn't enough, it was necessary to be very active.

"...to refuse any influence other than that of the supreme Truth-Love."

"Truth-Love" as one word.

Then a third definition came:

"To be sincere is to unify one's entire being around the supreme inner Will."

To unify one's entire being around the supreme inner Will. And this supreme Will was visible, like a flame that had the shape of a sword; and only what is governed by That is allowed to act.

Then the last one (the last because they brought me my breakfast and I had to stop):

"To be integral is to make a harmonious synthesis of all one's possibilities."

It came along with the vibration it contained. And it could have gone on, it was there, but then I was interrupted. It's more amusing than to listen to their stories, at any rate.

17. July 1965 – The Truth-Power needs more response

If we look at the question from a sufficient height, in order to manifest, this Truth-Power needs a response, you follow, and It doesn't want to have any preference: it matters little whether this point or that point, this or that will manifest It; It goes like this (gesture of a massive, general pressure), It imposes itself on the earth-atmosphere, and what's capable of responding responds. And then, on the point that responds, the Force manifests.

It isn't the Force that selects the point (I don't know if I am making myself understood): it is a global action, and what's capable of responding responds.

As for us, we want It, we aspire for It, we even know, and naturally, because we know, we have a sort of conviction that we are cut out to respond.... But it's not a question of conviction: it has to be a fact.

And for that... well, we must bear up.

(silence)

On the contrary, I have the feeling that those who know more can do more, and more is asked of them — it isn't that they are asked less: they are asked more.

And this body still belongs almost entirely to the old creation. And its own tendency is to say, "Oh, that's not nice! We have goodwill, and the more goodwill we have, the more is demanded from us." But these are very human notions, very human.... The more goodwill we have, the more is asked of us — not because of some decision or other: spontaneously, quite naturally.

We speak of transformation, even of transfiguration, but there is the passage from the old movement to the new movement, from the old status to the new status, which is a break in equilibrium; and always, for what still belongs to the old creation, a dangerous break in equilibrium is what gives you the feeling that everything eludes you, that you have lost your foothold. And that's when you need unwavering faith. But a faith that isn't like mental faith, which is self-supporting: it is a faith in the sensation. And that (Mother shakes her head) is very difficult.

(silence)

It's always the same thing: the old system of solitude is relatively very easy: you lie down, cut off all connections, remain in deep contemplation, and wait for the crisis to be over. It lasts for a time, you don't know how long. But when you are like this, surrounded with people, work, responsibilities (not moral ones: material ones), with things that materially depend on you, then... you must find the way to go on, but without having anymore the support of the usual equilibrium.

It's a bit hard.

But it is clear that if we say, "I am here because of You and for You and at Your service," well, it has to be true, that's all.

21. July 1965 – Hope of transformation of the material mind

There is a slight hope that this material mind, the mind of the cells, will be transformed.

I am quite astonished. I noticed it yesterday or the day before. I wasn't well, anyway things weren't pleasant, and all of a sudden, here was all this mind saying a prayer. A prayer... you know how I used to say prayers before, in Prayers and Meditations: it was the Mind saying prayers; it would have experiences and say prayers; well, here we are, now it's the experience of all the cells: an intense aspiration, and suddenly all this starts expressing it in words.

I noted it.

And then, interestingly enough...

It was dinner time; there had been (there always is) a fatigue, a tension, the need for more harmony in the atmosphere... it's becoming a little heavy going; and there I was, sitting, when all of a sudden, all this straightened up like a flame, oh, in a great intensity, and then it was as if this body-mind, on behalf of the body (it was the body beginning to be mentalized), were saying a prayer... (Mother looks for a note) And it very much has the sense of the oneness of Matter (this has been very strong for a long, long time, but it's becoming very conscious: a sort of identity); so there was the sense of the totality of Matter — terrestrial, human Matter, human Matter — and it said:

"I am tired of our unworthiness. But it is not to rest that this body aspires...

And this was felt in all the cells.

"...it is not to rest that this body aspires, it is to the glory of Your Consciousness, the glory of Your Light, the glory of Your Power, and above all...

Here, it became still much more intense:

"...to the glory of Your all-powerful and eternal Love."

And all these words had such concrete meaning!

I wrote this very fast, then I left it there. But here's this mind showing itself to be like the other... (Mother looks for a second note), it has a sort of concern for perfection in the expression; and in the afternoon of the next day (it generally happens after my bath; there is a sort of special activity at that time), after my bath it was in that state and I had to write this (it had become quite like a prayer):

OM, supreme Lord,

God of kindness and mercy,

OM, supreme Lord,

God of love and beatitude...

When it came to "beatitude"... all the cells seemed to be swollen.

"...I am tired of our infirmity. But it is not to rest that this body aspires, it aspires to the plenitude of Your Consciousness, it aspires to the splendor of Your Light, it aspires to the magnificence of Your Power; above all, it aspires to the glory of Your all-powerful and eternal Love."

There is a sort of concrete content in the words, which has nothing to do with the mind. It is something lived — not just felt: lived.

And then, in the afternoon, it was no longer a prayer, but the observation of a fact (Mother looks for a third note).... I found it was becoming interesting. It said:

"The other states of being...

If you knew with what sort of disdain it spoke, such a superior air!

"The other states of being, the vital, the mind, may enjoy the intermediate contacts...

In other words, all the intermediate states of being, also the gods, the entities and all those things. And it spoke with a power and a sort of dignity — yes, it was dignity, almost pride, but not an arrogant pride, nothing of the sort. It was the sense of a nobility.

"...The supreme Lord alone can satisfy me."

And then, there was suddenly such a clear vision that the supremely perfect alone can give this body plenitude (gesture of junction between the High and the Low).

I found that interesting.

It's the beginning of something.

(silence)

It started with disgust — a disgust... a sickening disgust — at all this misery, all this weakness, all this fatigue, all this discomfort, all this friction and grating, oof!... And it was very interesting because there was that disgust, and along with it came a sort of suggestion of Annihilation, of Nothingness: of eternal Peace, you understand. And it swept all that away, as if the whole body straightened up: "Hey, but that's not it! That's not what I want. I want..." (and then there was a dazzling burst of light — a dazzling golden light)... "I want the splendor of Your Consciousness."

That was an experience.

(silence)

There is still a bit of friction, but anyway it's better. Just before you came... You know, there are two, three of them hurling at me everyone's demands, the work to be done, the answers to be given, the checks to be signed; it's quite a task... you are harassed, mauled as though by claws. And there is this fatigue I feel every day, always, and because of which I need to be left absolutely undisturbed (you seem to be clawed); and I saw it was because all the work this body is made to do doesn't come from That to which it aspires — it doesn't come from up above: it comes from here, from all around, and that's why it grates, as if something were being ground. Then, very consciously, this mind called on that aspiration and on equanimity, on cellular equality: "Well, this is the time to be in equality," and instantly a sort of quiet immobility was established, and things were better, I was able to go to the end.

I feel as if the tail of the solution had been caught. Now, naturally, we must work it out.

Anyway, there is some hope.

I had always been under the impression of what Sri Aurobindo said: "This instrument [the physical mind] is useless, it can only be got rid of...." (See in particular Conversations with Pavitra of 20 November 1926. Pavitra complained that "this mechanical part of the mind is carrying me along." And Sri Aurobindo replied, "It is simply an outer functioning and it will be rejected in the course of the procedure." That was in 1926. Sri Aurobindo changed his mind later, perhaps in fact when he discovered his "mathematical formula.") It was very difficult to get rid of it because it was so intimately linked to the aggregate of the physical body and its present form... it was difficult; and when I tried and a deeper consciousness tried to manifest, it used to cause fainting. I mean that the union, the fusion, the identification with the Supreme Presence without that, without this physical mind, by annulling it, caused fainting. I didn't know what to do. Now that it's collaborating, and collaborating consciously (and with a great power in the sensation, it seems), maybe things are going to change.

Everything that was mental... I remember very clearly the state I was in when I wrote those Prayers and Meditations, especially when I wrote them here (all those I wrote here in 1914): it seems to me cold and dry... yes, dry, lifeless. It's luminous, it's lovely, pleasant, but it's cold, lifeless. Whereas this aspiration here [in the cellular mind], oh, it has a power — a power of realization — quite an extraordinary power. If this becomes organized, it will be possible to do something. There is an accumulated power there.

(silence)

And the last two nights, the activities of the morning, those that take place in the subtle physical with Sri Aurobindo and all the people here, have suddenly become concerned with food! But in a very different form. It's always to give me indications about people, about things. The night before last, there was an amusing incident. You know that Mridu, the fat woman who used to cook for Sri Aurobindo, is in the subtle physical. When she died, Sri Aurobindo (I didn't even know she had died), Sri Aurobindo went to fetch her in her house, then brought her to me and put her at my feet here: that's how I knew she had died (I was told the next morning). But I didn't understand what had happened; I saw Sri Aurobindo go into Mridu's house, then come back (laughing) with a small bundle like this, and put it at my feet! I was flabbergasted, I saw it was Mridu, and I ran after Sri Aurobindo to ask him, "What on earth does this mean?!" Then everything vanished. The next day, I was told she was dead. And she lives like that, in the subtle physical, and I see her very, very often, very often (she is a little better than she was physically, but not much more intelligent!). But the other night, she brought me big prunes (they were this big), and I ate a few, and found them very good; then Pavitra came along, looked at those poor prunes and told me, "Oh, you shouldn't eat this, there's mold on it!" I remembered it because it amused me. And I looked, saying (laughing), "I don't see any mold, and anyway they are very good!" And last night, there was a man (whom I know very well, but I can't remember his name) who told me I absolutely must drink milk! (For years and years I haven't drunk a drop of milk.) And he showed me the milk saying, "You see, you should mix the milk in soup, in this, in that." I wondered, "That's odd, why all of a sudden...?" I never, ever used to have dreams of food! (They aren't dreams, by the way: I am not asleep, I am perfectly conscious.) It began two nights ago: first I ate prunes — big prunes like this — then last night, I was told to take milk! But it was so insistent that for a moment this morning I wondered if I should start drinking milk!

This is also new.

The series had begun with that vision (always in the same domain) in which I went to fetch tea for Sri Aurobindo and was given earth with a slice of plain bread!

It's a whole world that's beginning to open up. We'll see.

24. July 1965 – The Truth is on the march

To begin with, last time I told you that this physical mind is being transformed; and three or four days ago, that is, before our last conversation, early in the morning I woke up abruptly in the middle of a sort of vision and activity, precisely in this physical mind. Which isn't at all usual for me. I was here in this room, everything was exactly as it is physically, and someone (I think it was Champaklal) opened the door abruptly and said, "Oh, I am bringing bad news." And I heard the sound physically, which means it was very close to the physical. "He has fallen and broken his head." But it was as if he were speaking of my brother (who died quite a long time ago), and during the activity I said to myself, "But my brother died long ago!" And it caused a sort of tension (gesture to the temples) because... It's a little complicated to explain. When Champaklal gave me the news, I was in my usual consciousness, in which I immediately thought, "How come the Protection didn't act?" And I was looking at that when a sort of faraway memory came that my brother was dead. Then I looked (it's hard to explain with words, it's complex). I looked into Champaklal's thought to find out who he meant had fallen and broken his head. And I saw A.'s face. And all that caused a tension (same gesture to the temples), so I woke up and looked. And I saw it was an experience intended to make me clearly see that this material mind LOVES ("loves," that's a way of speaking), loves catastrophes and attracts them, and even creates them, because it needs the shock of emotion to awaken its unconsciousness. All that is unconscious, all that is tamasic needs violent emotions to shake itself awake. And that need creates a sort of morbid attraction to or imagination of those things — all the time it keeps imagining all possible catastrophes or opening the door to the bad suggestions of nasty little entities that in fact take pleasure in creating the possibility of catastrophes.

I saw that very clearly, it was part of the sadhana of this material mind. Then I offered it all to the Lord and stopped thinking about it. And when I received your letter, I thought, "It's the same thing!" The same thing, it's a sort of unhealthy need this physical mind has to seek the violent shock of emotions and catastrophes to awaken its tamas. Only, in the case of A. breaking his head, I waited two days, thinking, "Let us see if it happens to be true." But nothing happened, he didn't break his head! In your case, too, I thought, "I am not budging till we get news," because it may be true (one case in a million), so I keep silent. But this morning I looked again and saw it was exactly the same thing: it's the process of development to make us conscious of the wonderful working of this mind.

But Sri Aurobindo said it to me. I asked him several times how it was that people (who consciously, outwardly, would rather have pleasant things and favorable events) are constantly attracting and attracting unpleasant things, even terrible catastrophes. I know some women (men too, but they are fewer), women who spend their time imagining the worst: they have children — they imagine that each of them will meet with the worst catastrophes; someone goes away by car — oh, the car will have an accident; they take the train — oh, the train will derail; and so forth. Well, that's why. That's what Sri Aurobindo explained so well: all those parts of the being are terribly tamasic and it is the violence of the shock that awakens something in them; and that is why they attract those things as though instinctively.... The Chinese, for example, have an extremely tamasic vital and an insensate physical: its sensation is totally blunted — they are the ones who invented the most frightful forms of torture. It is because they need something extreme in order to feel, otherwise they don't feel. There was a Chinese who had a sort of anthrax, I think, in the middle of the back (generally an extremely sensitive spot, it seems), and because of his heart they couldn't put him to sleep to operate on him, so they were a bit worried. They operated without anesthesia — he was awake, he didn't move, didn't shout, didn't say anything, they were filled with admiration for his courage; then they asked him what he had felt: "Oh, yes, I felt some scraping in my back"! That's how it is. That's what creates the necessity of catastrophes — of unexpected catastrophes: the thing that gives you a shock to wake you up.

What you are saying here about those morbid and diseased imaginations, I said it myself not long ago: the imagination is instantly defeatist and catastrophic.

The whole work for a long, long time has been to heal that — to change it, change it.

And usually my nightly activities are never in the material, they are always in the subtle physical, its densest part, if I may say so. Maybe I haven't even had in my life half a dozen visions with the material reality as it is: I saw the room as it is and heard the sound of Champaklal's voice clearly. Then I understood it was this physical mind dreaming, having an activity, and that it was to show me that attraction... You understand, the door opening abruptly, the man coming in and telling me (Mother takes on a tragic tone), "I am bringing very bad news," and that tense atmosphere, and then, "He has fallen down and broken his head." Then I tried to know who the he was, and little by little... and so on.

With this sort of work to establish perfect equality, I never drive something away immediately, saying, "No, that's not possible." One must be calm and collected in the face of all things. I was calm and collected, thinking, "Let us see, let me wait for two days, and if he has really broken his head (laughing), I'll find out!" Of course, nothing happened. And when I got your letter, I had the feeling it was the same thing, but I thought, "Let us see, let us wait...." I looked, and didn't see anything. Through your letter and your words I looked, but didn't see anything. And I had the feeling it was this same physical mind that made contact with a formation — a malicious formation, because such is the habit of the physical mind.

Now that the work is to rectify our way of being, we realize what it is!... It's really disgusting. It works constantly and is constantly defeatist. As you say, you feel a little pain — oh, is it going to be a cancer?

But this mind itself is making effort, anyway it has become aware, it has realized; it has understood that that condition wasn't very praiseworthy (!), and it's trying to change. Once the problem is identified, it goes fairly fast. Only, the difficulty is that most of our material movements are mechanical; we don't concern ourselves with them, and that's why they always remain as they are. But for some time now I have made it a habit to concern myself with them. It's no fun, but it must be done, that must be rectified.

It is a constant, constant work, for everything, but everything. It's odd: if the question is food, it thinks the food is poisoned or that it won't be digested, or this or that, or that the whole functioning will be upset; you go to sleep — immediately comes the suggestion that you will be agitated, unable to rest, that you will have bad dreams; you speak to someone — the suggestion that you didn't say what you should have said or that it will cause the person harm; you write something — that it wasn't exactly right. It's frightening, frightening.

It will have to change.

Sri Aurobindo told me that it wasn't so strong in Indians as in Europeans, because Europeans have concentrated in Matter a lot and are much more bound there.

Anyway...

And that prayer I told you the other day was after that; not immediately afterwards, but a day later. As though having had that experience in the physical mind and seen exactly what it was, the nature of this mind, had permitted a progress.

And what gave me an indication of the falsity of that consciousness and its activities was when I made that effort — a tremendous effort — to recall that my brother had died years earlier; from that I saw the distance between my true consciousness and the consciousness I was in for that dream. I saw the distance of falsity of that consciousness. It gave me a very clear indication. Instead of that quiet and peaceful consciousness which is like an undulation — an undulation of light that always goes like this (gesture of great wings beating in the Infinite), a very vast, very peaceful movement of the consciousness, yet which follows the universal movement very quietly — instead of that, there was something strained (gesture to the temples), it was as hard as wood or iron and strained, tense, oh!... Then I knew how false it was. It gave me the exact measure.

(long silence)

These last few days I have had a very strong impression that... I don't know if you remember (were you even born?) when Emile Zola said, "Truth is on the march." You weren't born. He told the court-martial a few home truths and it caused quite a row, and he was advised to leave France because he would have been put in jail. And once he reached England, he said, "It doesn't matter, Truth is on the march." It caused a resounding stir. And I still remember the impression — I was young, but still I was twenty....

Yes, the difference is forty years — more than that: forty-five years.... I was twenty, and it impressed me very much. That affair had a great repercussion. And it came back to me these last few days precisely with the whole perception of that catastrophic and defeatist habit. I had known it for a long time but it appeared to be quite beyond my control; while now it's under control. Not only that, it's disapproved of and deliberately rejected. It's as I said: "I am tired of our unworthiness."

So, conclusion: Truth is on the march.

(silence)

There is a lot to do, a whole lot. But it may go relatively fast. When you observe, you realize that what takes the most time is becoming conscious of what must be changed, having a conscious contact that enables it to change. That's what takes the most time. The change itself... There are recurrences, but it's growing much less intense. It all depends on the amount of unconsciousness and tamas in the being; as it grows less, the experience grows stronger.

28. July 1965 – I see the Lord smile!

Those things are very powerful when they come, they have a transforming power — they exert a pressure on Matter. And then when they have finished their work, it's over — it's sorted, it goes to some corner. It no longer matters.

They are actions.

They aren't thoughts: they are actions. And once the action is finished, it's finished. I am not going to start talking about what I have done, am I!

It's perfectly obvious that "one" wants us to be like this gentleman who faces everything without ever tiring. ("In the Yoga as in life it is the man who persists unwearied to the last in the face of every defeat and disillusionment and of all confronting, hostile and contradicting events and powers who conquers in the end and finds his faith justified because to the soul and Shakti in man nothing is impossible." The Synthesis of Yoga, XXI.745)

It's obvious. Because as soon as something begins to moan, I see the Lord smile, I see his smile (I don't see his face, for me he doesn't have a face!), but I see his smile, and he smiles as if saying, "Still there!... Haven't you got past that yet!"

31. July 1965 – Worshipping the Mother

When we wanted a "small book," we used to translated The Mother, but that touches mostly India, because they worship the Mother; but elsewhere, it doesn't have the same importance. Although a man like T., it was The Mother that touched him the most — an American, fully American. He said the book gave him the revelation, that there were all kinds of things he didn't understand and that with the book, he understood.

Now, the Italians worship the Virgin a lot, it's a lot in their makeup, and through that they would understand (those who are intelligent and see the symbol behind the story). There was a Pope (not the present one or the previous one, but the one before - Pius XII.) who did remarkable things because he was in touch with the Virgin; he was a worshipper of the Virgin and that really put him on the right path. So I think that if they want a small book (it is a small book, you can even put it in your pocket — people are afraid of big books, they don't have time), there are lots of things in that small book, The Mother, lots of things. But the part on the "four aspects of the Mother" can really be felt only by Indians; those who have a Christian education (laughing) must find it very frightening (!) But we could omit that chapter. You see, the book was made from letters, so each piece is a whole; it wasn't at all composed as one piece: we arranged it as it is following the instructions Sri Aurobindo gave. But that last chapter (the biggest, besides) is mostly for India. It can be omitted.