AGENDA 1965

December 1965


04. December 1965 – Doctors, treatment, disorders

This is my great remedy. Yesterday I stayed like that [in meditation] for most of the day. Everybody thought I was asleep (!) and they took great care not to wake me up (so much the better, that was kind). This way, it's all right, everything is fine. And the body too is better, it's the only cure; for me, it's the only cure: bringing down that Peace, that Light — a vast, vast light, and calm, calm — then the cells get used to being a little more harmonious.

Otherwise, everything goes wrong.

I don't believe in doctors. Try as I might, in spite of all my goodwill, I don't believe in treatments and I don't believe in doctors. When I am in that state the doctor gives me medicines — I observe the medicines: they cause as much disorder as they do good. They do good to one thing and harm to another. So afterwards that has to be set right. You never get out of it. And what's more, they do me the favor of giving me children's doses! If I were given adults' doses, I think... It's interesting, very interesting (!)

Basically, in order to feel at home in the world as it is today, one must belong to the category I spoke of the other day, of those who have established a harmony with all the human faculties, who are satisfied, and also who are egocentric enough not even to notice that things aren't that way for others. Then it's fine; otherwise... Sri Aurobindo very much belonged (in his outward being) to the category of those who want things to change, who push for progress, who want to move on, who want to reject the past... very much so. He had to make a great effort to be satisfied with things and people; it was his compassion that made him accept people around him as they were. Otherwise he used to suffer a lot.

And that's what wears out and tires and disorganizes.

I am made to learn that all the time.... You see, it's a long time since that blissful contentment stopped existing (I never had it much, if it did exist at a given time, it's a very long time since it stopped holding on), but I am taught to pass on to a higher stage in which one is sufficiently free from all external vibrations to be able to live in the true, harmonious Vibration. But for the body it's difficult, because every time you eat, you absorb disorder; every time you breathe, you absorb disorder — you live in disorder. So it's a work of clarification, organization, harmonization, and everything becomes very still, absolutely still: there (gesture to the forehead), absolute silence and light — the light of an unmoving light; and then, to make that come down here (the body). Very still... Yet the blood is constantly moving along, isn't it? But I think it must be moving at a slower pace. Then it's fine.

I think external science says it's in sleep that toxins are burnt; well, that's the point: it's the stillness that illuminates dark vibrations.

07. December 1965 – An adverse formation

Regarding Mother's recent "illness"

It was what people call "black magic" — I don't call it black magic, but it was an adverse formation, which I saw in all its details exactly on December 5. On the 5th itself I saw it, and afterwards I understood. It was extremely interesting, but it's impossible to repeat. On the 5th, at the meditation, I knew what it was (the day after you came). Extremely interesting. Maybe one day I will tell it, but it's very, very private.

On the afternoon of the 5th, after I had understood clearly and seen everything and done everything, suddenly... (you know how Sri Aurobindo used to take away illnesses: it was like a hand that came and took away the disease), it went away just like that, it was taken away, literally taken away like that, and the body was INSTANTLY fine. Oh, you know, I am still flabbergasted.

Just as if you had a hood over your head, and something comes and removes it: pfft! all the symptoms, all gone. It's wonderful.

When this Power works, we will see something.

It's all part of the same thing. It's the same thing.

It's more than four or five years, more than that. Only... Anyway, when I explain it, it will be clear.

But I saw it not in human thought, not at all, not as one understands it: I saw it as it is, and what permits these attacks — what not only permits them, not only makes them possible, but what makes those things NECESSARY for the body's transformation.

To put it simply, the whole thing is to bear up, that's all. That's all — to endure and bear up.

But just when it left, just half a second before that, there came... How can I explain? It's so simple and natural and unsophisticated, oh, so simple that it seems childish. It was as though I were told by a voice that would be like Sri Aurobindo's voice, "You are the stronger and you can send the ball away," something of that sort. But the words are nothing; it was the feeling of a sort of... buoyancy, as they say in English, that feeling one has when one is young, full of boldness and enthusiasm — the feeling of absolutely scoffing at them and at their "formidable" formation, as a lion would scoff at a rat. Absolutely that sort of relationship. And that kind of enthusiasm lasted just a flash, and at the same time, just at the same time (gesture of a hood being removed), pfft! like night and day.

Oh, it has taught me a lot, a whole lot of things, a world of things.

It was hard. It lasted a long time — the 3rd, 4th, 5th, and the whole 5th till about 6:30 in the evening: three days.

And each day brings something. It seems to be going at a gallop, it's going fast. Yesterday too, I learned something: for the work, the reason for confusions. It was very interesting, a very interesting demonstration. And so forth, every day there is something like that, in the minute details of the material working.

Leave it all, it's enough, all that is private, it's good for the Agenda.

One day I'll draw a picture — a living picture because it will be perfectly lived — of the supreme Consciousness, which is both Nothingness and Totality at the same time. And then, the day when I am able to put that experience into words, it will be something with weight. But wait a little, we must wait a little more.

These are the first stammerings of a novice.

10. Dec 1965 – Physical life is not important but loss of consciousness

Death as it is understood, on the inner level, means the loss of consciousness.... That would be the most... the most dreadful and horrible thing, if it were possible. But it's not possible. If you have consciousness, it cannot be lost. Some things don't have consciousness yet, so little by little, little by little, they learn to have it; but the consciousness you have cannot be lost, that's not possible. All the deaths in the world cannot take it away from you, and that's why I smile!

It's impossible.

Consciousness is something eternal. Consciousness is divine, consciousness is eternal, and NOTHING can destroy it.

Appearances are another matter.

And it's only unconsciousness that's destroyed (meaning that there is an appearance of destruction), but not consciousness.

So then, all the drama — all the tragedy, all the horror, all the dread, all of it — is vital fabrication. Well, those who are God's warriors don't allow themselves to be affected by that. One smiles, "Yes, yes, you may put on a big show, we don't care; go ahead with the big show if you enjoy it." As for us, we know it's only a show — an ugly show, if you like, it's not pretty, but it's just a show.

It's not physical life that's important: it's Life; it's not physical consciousness that's important: it's Consciousness. So when you are free, you can use... well, all the materiality you want. One should be able to pick and choose and leave the rest out... and make use of it as one wants; one should be the master of Matter, not Matter sitting on top of you and coercing you — what's that!

And that's the point, it's because one has in one's inner being the memory of a Freedom that one revolts against the slavery here (a disgusting slavery); only, one lacks the knowledge that consciousness alone can change everything. Throwing everything out of the window isn't the way to change things, that's all.

18. December 1965 – Our unconsciousness in the matter

Ultimately, the whole difficulty comes from the amount of unconsciousness left in the Matter we are made of. That's... that's terrible. And then, that's what it takes to pull this Matter out of its unconsciousness: all the suffering, all the disorder, all the pummeling.... That's what I see every day. And the degree of stupidity... To us it's stupidity, we call it stupidity, but... You know, the intermediary to which this unconsciousness responds is the mentality of the cell, the material mentality, but then, when this material mentality is seized with an idea, it is actually possessed by the idea and it's almost impossible (not impossible but extremely difficult) for it to free itself — it takes an intervention from another domain.

Diseases are just that. It's the same thing with the doctor's illness: this tremor is the possession by an idea, it's what in the conscious intelligence is expressed as the possession by an idea, a hypnosis — a sort of hypnosis accompanied by a fear in matter. The two things together: possession and fear, a sort of fearfulness. And a sense of helplessness in all that. The possession by an idea and a helplessness to reject it, and a fear, a helplessness to resist. And then a sort of fearfulness that is translated in us by, "Oh, it's going to be that way... oh, it's going to be a disease...."

In the old Scriptures they used to compare that with a dog's twisted tail. And it is truly like that, it's a sort of TWIST that you try to straighten out and which goes back to its shape automatically, idiotically — you untwist it, it twists up again; you reject it, it comes again. It's extremely interesting, but it's miserable. Miserable. And all illnesses are like that, all, all of them, whatever their external form. The external form is only one way of being of the SAME THING — because things are arranged in every possible way (there aren't two identical things and everything is arranged differently), so then, some follow similar twists, and that's what doctors call "such and such an illness." But if they are sincere, they will tell you, "There aren't two like illnesses."

But what toil it is!... I am fighting with that at the moment, it's a fistfight.

How much time will it take? I don't know. What price will have to be paid? I don't know.... Yes, certainly, we can picture the end: when we have got the "hang," the deeper law or true power that governs those things, ah, then... we'll have the power to do something.

Until then, we have to hold out. Do you know what holding out is? It's being like this (immobile gesture in the Eternal). You are assailed by innumerable ideas, a general defeatism (same gesture) — be immobile in an ascending and progressive faith.

Oh, I remember, I said the other day that perfection is eternal and it's because of Matter's resistance that, on earth, perfection is progressive.

25. December 1965 – On Aphorism 113: Hatred

113 — Hatred is the sign of a secret attraction that is eager to flee from itself and furious to deny its own existence. That too is God's play in His creature.

It corresponds to a sort of vibration — the vibration received from people who hate. It's a vibration which is, so to say, fundamentally the same as the vibration of love. At its very bottom, there is the same sensation. Although on the surface it's the opposite, it is supported by the same vibration. And we could say that we are just as much the slaves of what we hate as of what we love — maybe even more. It's something that keeps hold of you, that obsesses you and which you cherish; a sensation you cherish, because beneath its violence there is a warmth of attraction as great as that which you feel for what you love. And it seems it's only in the activity of the manifestation, that is to say, quite on the surface, that there is this distorted appearance.

You are obsessed by what you hate still more than by what you love. And the obsession stems from that inner vibration.

All these "feelings" (what can we call them?) have a vibratory mode, with something very essential at their core and kinds of layers covering it; so the most central vibration is identical, and it's as it "inflates" to express itself that it gets distorted. For love it's perfectly obvious; in the vast majority of cases it becomes outwardly something with a wholly different nature from the inner vibration, because it's something turning in on itself, shriveling up and trying to pull to itself in an egoistic movement of possession. You WANT to be loved. You say, "I love this person," but at the same time there is what you want, and the lived feeling is, "I want to be loved." And so that's almost as great a distortion as the distortion of hatred, which consists in wanting to destroy what you love in order not to be tied down. Because you cannot obtain what you want from the object of your love, you want to destroy it in order to be freed; and in the other case, you shrivel up almost in an inner fury because you cannot obtain, you cannot gobble up what you love. (Laughing) In actual fact, from the standpoint of the deeper truth, there isn't much difference!

It's only when the central vibration remains pure and is expressed in its original purity, which is a spreading out (what can I call it?... It's something radiating out, a vibration spreading out in a glory, a vibration blossoming out, yes, a radiant blossoming out), then it remains true. And materially it's expressed by self-giving, self-forgetfulness, the generosity of the soul. And that's the only true movement. But what people are used to calling "love" is as removed from the central vibration of true Love as hatred; only, the one turns in on itself, shrivels up and hardens, while the other strikes — that's what makes the whole difference.

And this isn't seen with ideas: it's seen with vibrations. It's very interesting.

In fact, I've had to study this quite a bit lately (!) I've had the opportunity to see these vibrations: the outward results may be deplorable, from a practical viewpoint they may be detestable, meaning that this sort of vibration [of hatred] encourages the need to harm, to destroy; but from the standpoint of the deeper truth, it's not a much greater distortion than the other ["love"], it's just of a more aggressive nature — hardly even that.

But if you follow the experience farther and deeper, if you concentrate on this vibration, you realize it is the original Vibration of the creation and that this Vibration is what has been transformed, distorted in everything that is. So then, there is a sort of understanding warmth (we can't exactly call it "sweetness," but it's a sweetness that would be strong), an understanding warmth in which there is as much smile as sorrow — much more smile than sorrow.... It's not to legitimize the distortion, but it's mostly a reaction against the choice that human mentality (and especially human morality) has made between one particular type of distortion and another. There is a whole series of distortions that have been labeled "bad" and there is a whole series of distortions towards which people are full of leniency, almost compliments. And yet, from the essential standpoint, this distortion is hardly better than that distortion — it's a question of choice.

Ultimately, what's necessary would be first to perceive THE central Vibration, then to appreciate its UNIQUE and marvelous quality to such a point that you automatically and spontaneously move away from all distortions, whether virtuous distortions or evil distortions.

We always come back to the same thing, there is only one solution: to reach the truth of things and cling to it — that essential truth, the truth of essential Love, and cling to it.

Soon afterwards, Mother remarks:

It's interesting: the field of experience in which I find myself is always related to the ideas that are part of the week's activity (like vibrations of hatred and this aphorism, for instance). It's interesting (!)

28. December 1965 – Savitri; Mother’s nightly work

The first poetry I was able to appreciate in my life was Savitri. Previously, I was closed. To me it was always words: hollow, hollow, hollow, just words — words for words' sake. So as a sound it's pretty, but... I prefer music. Music is better!

This translation of Savitri gives me a whole lot of fun, it's great fun for me.

Much more fun than having to "tell things"... that are unnecessary.

Later:

...My nightly work begins around nine, till four in the morning, and it's divided into three groups of activities (nightly activities). The last group is generally between two and four in the morning, and that's when I deal with all the people!... That, mon petit!... It's quite comical — it's not always too pleasant, but still it's comical, oh!... I see people as they are (Mother laughs); not as they think they are or want to be seen: I see them as they are.

I get information like that, all the time.

Take Purani, for instance: I used to see him almost every night, and then some fifteen days ago (ten to fifteen days ago, I think), before he left his body here, like that, I saw him in a place... It's a place which is entirely made of a sort of pinkish gray clay — it's sticky, gluey, and rather liquid (Mother makes the gesture of stretching chewing gum). There were lots of people. It was a place where lots of people were going to prepare themselves there for the supramental life — but not in their present bodies, which means they were preparing something in order to be ready for the supramental life in a future existence. And I had been taken there; there was a good number of people who had taken me there so I would see (so I would have an action of control there). But as for me, great care was taken to prevent me from being touched by that substance (it was important that I shouldn't be touched), so they wrapped me in golden veils and all sorts of things, and I was walking along. And I saw him... I was walking on a sort of verandah (but it all had a very peculiar character, all was made of a... bizarre matter), and there was a sort of large courtyard which was entirely made of that semiliquid, semi-gluey matter which looked like very diluted but very sticky clay (same elastic gesture like chewing gum). And suddenly I saw Purani rushing into it. From the far end he comes to me covered all over in that and sweeping through it with such strokes! He had it all over his face, all over everywhere! You could see nothing but that. I told him (laughing), "Oh, you like it!" He told me, "Oh, it's very nice, very nice!"

Since that evening I haven't seen him again. And then, some twelve or fifteen days later, I don't remember, he left his body.

It was a preparation.

I see some very, very amusing things.

31. December 1965 – Feeling unaccomplished... being patient!

Yes, but "something unaccomplished" is a feeling one has and must have till the realization, till the transformation. It's not only natural but indispensable, because those who feel accomplished or satisfied, it's over for them, they will never move on again.

It's mental formations that say, "You are on this road" or "You are at that point of the realization" or... For me, that's deplorable! When one is in that, one is still buried in mentality.

I am waiting — I am millions of years old and I am waiting.

All these last days I have been precisely in the state you are describing, in which one says, "But where, where is the concrete proof that all this is going to change?" Things are really not pretty to look at — where is it, the concrete proof? And what comes to me is always this, the most severe test I could have been given: Sri Aurobindo's departure. Because Sri Aurobindo used to speak as if he wasn't going to go. And it's something that comes and says, "See, it's all dreams for thousands of years hence." And it comes back again and again and again (hammering gesture); so then it's like a sword of Light, inviolable: a Certitude.

Then you no longer ask — you no longer say, no longer ask anything. You have the patience of faith: "When You want it, well, it will be." But as for me, I don't budge, I stay like this (gesture turned to the heights): the inviolable light.); so then it's like a sword of Light, inviolable: a Certitude.

Of course, all the outward events come and belie this. In spite of the inner transformation (which is a sure fact, one has proof of it every second), yet the body keeps its habit of deterioration. And just when you think that things are improving (to give you, as you say, proof that you are making progress), something comes along as if to prove to you that it's all an illusion! And it's growing more and more acute, more and more acute. There is always a Voice (which I know very well, it's the voice of the adverse forces tempting you), which comes and tells you (same hammering gesture), "See, see how mistaken you are, see how you delude yourself, see what a mirage it all is, see..." And then if you listen, you're done for. It's very simple: everything is done for.

You just have to put your fingers in your ears, shut your eyes and keep holding tight up above.

Well, since Sri Aurobindo left, that's what has been coming again and again (same hammering gesture), and, you know, more cruel than all human tortures and all the cruelty ever imagined. It's something frightfully cruel, and with all the viciousness of cruelty, and back it comes (same gesture). Every time the being opens out in a joy of certitude (same gesture) — "Calm down...."

That's where, of course, I say that this realization isn't meant for weak beings — it's meant for the stronger. And then, you are ashamed of what's weak in yourself, and you offer it, saying, "Free me from my weakness." One has to be terribly strong to do that — the strength of endurance untroubled by anything. It's like a perfection of malice which is there, forever saying (same gesture), "You are mistaken, it's not possible, you are mistaken, it's not possible...." And then, "Look, here is proof of the truth of what I am telling you: Sri Aurobindo, he who knew, left." And if you listen and believe in it, you're absolutely done for. You're quite simply done for. And that's what they want. Only... they must not succeed, we must hold on. For how many years now (hammering gesture)?... Fifteen years — for fifteen years (same gesture). Not a single day passes without attacks of that sort, not a single night passes without... You say you see horrors — your horrors must be something quite charming in comparison with the horrors I have seen! I don't think one human being can bear the sight of what I have seen. And it's shown to me as if to tell me that all my "ambitions," all of them, are mad. So then, I have only one answer, "Lord, You are everywhere, You are in everything, and it's for us to see You through everything."

Then... it calms down.

I told you, and I told you neither to make you happy nor to comfort you, I told you because it's a fact I have myself observed with curiosity and interest: we are extremely close up above in the profound intellectual understanding and in the Great Light. And this is expressed by an identity of experience in the intellectual consciousness. I am aware of your difficulties, I know them, I've known them since the first day I saw you (and even before you came here); from that point of view there has been great progress, but it has shaken your physical health, because of that struggle. I know that you can be completely cured, but in order for you to be completely cured, your vital must be converted, and what I call "to be converted" isn't to surrender — to be converted is to understand. To be converted is to adhere.