October 1968

09. October 1968 – Beautiful places of the vital world

Oh, what a beautiful forest! They must be the forests of... It's between the subtle physical and the vital, as if joining the two — the subtle physical to the vital. Trees as I have only seen in Japan; trees rising straight like columns, planted in rows — magnificent! With light-colored grass, very light, pale green. Grass on the ground, air — lots of air — and at the same time nothing but trees: a forest. But not thick, not crowded. Well then, in that magnificent place, instead of rejoicing, the fool (Mother takes a wailing tone): "I don't know what happened to me, I have no religion"! (Mother laughs) So I told him, "But you should rejoice! No religion — you are in a place much more beautiful than all religions!" (In a whining tone) — "I don't understand...."

(After a silence) All these vital worlds are worlds of suggestion. You are in one wave of suggestion: everything is frightening; you are in another wave of suggestion: everything is charming; you are in another wave: everything is magnificent. Like that. It's odd. Like worlds that exist through suggestion. And it's between the subtle physical and the material vital, like this (Mother presses her right hand against her left one), as close as can be.

I have an idea that there also exists a world of medicines which is like that! Because the same medicine, given at different times for the same troubles, produces different results — the same medicine. So if, from within, you make a resolve, if you say, "You will agree with the medicine" (to find out its precise action), then a sort of mischievous little spirit comes and says (in a mocking tone), "What's wrong with you?!" But the medicine knows nothing about it, because depending on the case... Ah, let me tell you, it's a comedy!

And almost everything is like that, almost everything. And in the end... But I must say that two or three times I wondered if I wasn't on the verge of madness; two or three times I wondered if EVERYTHING wasn't like that, except the Supreme.

So then, would He be putting on an act for Himself, to amuse Himself?... But it's no fun! I told him, "Maybe it's fun for You, but WE don't find it fun!"

But speaking of beauty, these last few months I've seen things... oh, the most beautiful things I've ever seen in my life.


Yes, all that I have seen lately is very beautiful, and with open eyes. It's to compensate the fact that I can no longer... (Mother looks around her). No, it's something in the sight that I don't understand — and how many things I don't understand, oh!...

There is, at the same time, the fact of an all-powerfulness without limits, and of a powerlessness without limits. And all that here, at the same place (Mother closes her two hands together, one on top of the other)... And by temperament I am sensible enough not to talk, because if I were to say all that I see, all that goes on and all that's there... they would say, "That's it, she's gone, she's lost her balance; with her mind she's lost her head!" (Mother laughs) So I take a very serious look and say to myself, "Let's see, let's take one of their so very important problems — problems of life and death to them — let's see, let's look at it straight in the face, let's be a little serious...." (Mother laughs) And it's all right, the balance is still there!

16. October 1968 – Floating within this Consciousness

I do nothing but cough all the time.

This state I am in now began this morning, it's quite new. Yesterday, I was in pain, but it was physical. This is something different.


It's strange.... The consciousness has become more and more, more and more intense (gesture spread out above), something like this (same gesture), dominating everything and... I think the most accurate way to put it is, not active.

This [the body] is like something floating within this consciousness, but it's not active.


I can't explain.

It's like an ocean of light that keeps doing its work, and then, in it, there floats something... (Mother shakes her head as if not knowing what this "something," her body, is).

It's not cut off,[^1] but not active, that's all.

[^1]: Mother means that this "something" (her body) is not cut off from the ocean of light, only it is not active.


For instance, every morning I see four people; I don't speak, but the consciousness is fully there, it works, does its work with a power of concentration. Then they go away — and it goes away.

But this [the body] doesn't even have the sense of being an instrument, you understand.... I don't know what it is. It's not an instrument. I don't know what it is.

(Mother "looks") It's deep ultramarine blue.

19. October 1968 – Without speaking

The material, the physical is learning — it's learning what it is — and that's very interesting. But... it's very hard to express.


You see, I remain for hours and hours on end without speaking, and it's like a development unfolding logically, but... This cough must be deliberate, to prevent me from speaking. Because I see things clearly.... One seems to waste one's time speaking.

I remain, I can remain for hours, hours and hours like that, watching the development — a development at once universal and personal; but "personal," there is so to speak no person, it's something curious. There's a series of states of consciousness being organized.


There is in an almost constant and general way the impression that material things — not only things, but perceptions, sentiments (kinds of odd sentiments that have nothing to do with...) and ways of being, perceptions, consequences, reactions — all that constantly strikes me as being... (yes, I might put it like this), as being different from what people think.

I don't know how to explain.

We could say that causes and consequences... (But it's not something thought, that's what is difficult.) It's certainly something I am now discovering, so... I don't know if it's the cause or the process of deformation between what is and what's perceived (what's lived, perceived).

(Mother remains absorbed for a long time)

It's still inexpressible.

One feels it can last... It's almost on the fringe of time, one doesn't know how to explain.


With, now and then, something like the reflection of an ineffable Happiness, but without motive; yet at other times there is a sort of... (what should I call it?) sadness or melancholy (I don't know how to explain), also without motive, and which seems to be the result of the deformation of the other.

Very well. We must be patient.

23. October 1968 – A Divine Victory

I've been given a quotation from Sri Aurobindo.... I find it very interesting.

"What happens is for the 'best' in this sense only that the end will be a divine victory in spite of all difficulties — that has been and always will be my seeing, my faith and my assurance — if you are willing to accept it from me."

Sri Aurobindo December 28, 1931

I find it very interesting. Because when people are told, "It will be for the best," they always think it's the best as they imagine it!

26. October 1968 – The state of consciousness of Oneness

This physical, this physical consciousness (I don't think it's a personal physical consciousness), the general physical consciousness was, in this body, seized with such a pity, oh!... I can't say "pity"... it's something very special: a very intimate, very tender compassion for the human physical condition. But it seized me in massive proportions! Nothing else remained in the consciousness, and if I hadn't controlled it, I would have started crying and crying....

That has been the dominant note of these last few days.

And as if underneath, as if coming from the depths, beneath, the perception of this Compassion — the divine Compassion — the perception of the way the thing is seen and felt by the Divine.... That was wonderful.

It really was a dominant note.

And there are so to speak no contradictions from outside — I don't see many people: among them, there is only ONE person, one person who lives in a joyous consciousness. Only one among all the people I know. Even then, it's because that person lives in a very harmonious vital-mental consciousness and is contented.... Besides, I feel that if one were to scratch a little... [the person's joy would vanish].

It has nothing to do with vital or mental difficulties or any of that.... The body isn't conscious of that, not interested in that — not interested: when people recount vital or mental difficulties, it finds them quite childish. But the MISERY this body lives in — that's what is awful.

There have even been moments...

There is, as I said, a CONSTANT call — constant call to the Divine, and even the strong (how can I put it?) perception of his Presence, so then there is a sort of contradiction.... When it began, I said, "How can You want this?"

You see, for a very long time — for years — the spontaneous attitude (it's not the result of an effort), the body's spontaneous attitude has been, "It's my incapacity, my ignorance, my helplessness, my stupidity... that bring about my misery." It considers itself to be solely responsible for all its miseries. But then, that's the difficulty, it's this contradiction: "Why, why do You want things to be like this? Why?"

So I spend almost entire days and nights in silence (I mean, without speaking), but seeing — seeing... And there isn't any sensation or perception of a separate individuality; there are innumerable experiences, dozens of them every day, showing that it's the identification or unification with other bodies that makes you feel this person's misery, that person's misery, the misery of... It's a fact. And it's not felt as being another body's misery, it's felt as your own. Which means it has become difficult to make a distinction on a plane... (Mother stretches her hands out into the distance). There is a plane ever so slightly more subtle than the quite material plane.... So one isn't complaining about one's own misery, it's that EVERYTHING is one's misery.

In other words, it's not an egoistic complaint.

There is a very clear and spontaneous perception that it's impossible to extract a small part from the whole and make something harmonious out of it when the whole isn't harmonious.

But why, why?... I can't understand.... As long as the body felt separate (in the past — very long, very long ago), when it felt itself to be a body separate from others, and more importantly, separate from the Divine, then it made sense: there's nothing to say, it's quite natural, it makes sense. But now that for it EVERYTHING truly is the Divine, how, how can that fail to bring about Harmony?... You understand, when on the vital or mental level (and above, of course), you have the experience of identity, you have at the same time the Bliss. Here [in the body], there is the experience of identity, but No Bliss. Why?

Maybe if the body had managed to remain separate, it could have felt something — but that's not true! It would have been a falsehood.... You see, this identity isn't the result of an effort, not the result of a will: it's a FACT — a spontaneous fact, I didn't make the least attempt to get it. It began like that. And this body itself is in a state... which I can't call "precarious," but which is nothing particularly cheering. It hasn't resulted in a physical harmony for the body.

Now and then, for... not even a few minutes (it's a few seconds), there is a clear perception of the true Identity, which is perfect Harmony, and then all disorders cease to exist — but... materially they exist! Take a very simple instance: my teeth are all loose in my mouth — it s a FACT — and it's true that logically, such a condition should be very painful: it's not. And I see that it is so because of a Presence — that I understand very well. But it doesn't get cured, far from it! It's incurable.[^1]

[^1]: In a letter (see Cent. Ed., vol. 26, p. 352-353), Sri Aurobindo told the story of a yogi who could prolong his life at will (and lived for more than 200 years), but who kept the same toothache till the end, without ever being able to cure it. He was Swami Brahmananda, who, one day in the 1900s, told a disciple of his (Sardar Mazumdar), "As for the tooth, I have suffered from it since the days of Bhao Girdi," that is, since 1761.

This physical is truly... a mystery.

I understand people who have said, "It must be abolished, it's a falsehood." Yet that's not true, it's not a falsehood, it's... what is it? If we say "a deformation," it doesn't mean anything.


But the power to relieve (not to heal: the power to relieve), far from having diminished, has increased. When I am told that someone is ill, at least ninety-nine times in a hundred, I have already EXPERIENCED the thing, and what I am told makes me say, "Ah, it's so and so." I have already experienced it as being part of my physical being (gesture in the distance), an immense physical being, you know, immense and without precise form. And it's this precision and this division that are... (what should I say?)... are they the obstacle or the cause (probably both) that prevent the Harmony from being established? It's because we REALLY are separate. But then, can you conceive how a world that's not really separate would be?... Because, you understand, the question is serious: if for the world to exist as it is, it has to be really separate, and if being really separate is the cause of all misery, then... And yet, in another way (I don't know how), in another way I know (it's not "I" who knows: there's no "I" there), I know, I KNOW (it's the great "I" who knows) that the desertion, the disappearance of this world is NOT the solution.... But what is it?....

This is the only world where division is no longer the result of a state of consciousness, but a FACT. So?... Everywhere else, it's the result of a state of consciousness: if the consciousness changes, the state changes — not here. It's the only world: here. And yet... it [division] is a falsehood.


One can easily conceive of a considerable improvement with the establishment of the true Consciousness, because, as I said, there are experiences (quite fleeting, but still) that are very concrete, of even a material harmonization which, seen in that way, looks very much like a miracle. But one conceives that reestablishing the True Consciousness and, along with it, the Harmony it brings, would make a considerable difference.... Probably a difference sufficient for a harmonious and progressive state to be realized — in harmony, not in misery.

That may be the supreme miracle the Divine is trying to achieve: separation — an existing fact — and the state of consciousness of Oneness.


Now, at any rate, I know.... The work in the other states (even, even in a subtle physical) is relatively child's play. The difficulty is here.


So one may conceive of an improvement, even a considerable improvement, a state far more harmonious than the existing one. The existing state... it's hell, really; it's only thanks to this Possibility that it's not hell. It's because behind that hell, there is this Possibility — which is living, real, existing, tangible, livable — otherwise it's infernal.... You understand, one gets the impression that all the states of being have been whipped together (you know, like when you make mayonnaise!), all the states of being well mixed together like that, in a great confusion, so naturally the "horrible thing" is bearable... because of all the rest in there. But if you start separating... Oh! (gesture of horror)

But that means the great surrender: "It's like that, it's like that...." Frightful.

That's why there are people who escape (even though it's no use, because they'll have to come back): it's to get some rest! (Mother laughs)

It's perfectly obvious that if it weren't unbearable, it would never change. And if it's unbearable, well... it really makes you feel like running away — which is impossible, of course, it's foolish to think you can get out of it: it's not possible. Only, for a time... you rest. It means abandoning the work. It delays the result.

30. October 1968 – Self-awareness

"Here are the Light and the Divine Love which are always with you on the path, every outcome of which is only the starting point for a new stage."

It's precisely the experience I've had these last few days (yesterday, I think), just before writing the card. We always set an end to things — but there isn't any. There isn't any. The truth is, one rises like this (Mother draws a curve that reaches a point in space), but it's in order to go like this (gesture of a new curve rising higher from that point on), and again like this — for ever and ever.

It may be an individual consciousness, not necessarily an impersonal one; for the individual consciousness, too, it's like this: a great curve (Mother draws a trajectory up to a point), and like a springboard to go farther. So it was a vision like that, of something developing — developing while it expands and grows illumined.

We might say, the Consciousness growing more and more conscious of itself. That was the impression.

And everything is a means for it to grow conscious of itself.

That explains everything, besides. That's what explains everything.

The means for the Consciousness to become conscious of itself.


And this work of growing awareness (self-awareness) in the body is really very interesting. Very interesting.


I have a very strong impression that "one" wants us to learn something. Very strong. And I don't know what it is.

It's... something like the secret of the functioning.

There's a constant demonstration, through all kinds of little facts, that the process we conceive of, or understand, or have accepted, is false, not in conformity with reality, and one wants to make us find, discover — but discover WHILE LIVING IT — the true process of the Manifestation: the why and the how. The why: there's an impression like that. The how... (Mother shakes her head as if the thing were eluding her).

So there. And that's the state of consciousness I am in all the time. I am there as if pushing and pushing... (groping gesture, then the thing escapes).


I clearly feel it's only an identification... [that can give the key]. Yes, like a conscious identification, that is, with the consciousness remaining fully awake.