May 1970

02. May 1970 – True Aurovilians

The true Aurovilians are those who want to make the search and discovery of the divine. But, as I said, not through mystic means: it’s in life.

So then, Aurovilians must want the Truth WHATEVER IT MAY BE… They call “Truth” what they want, while they must want the truth whatever it may be.

09. May 1970 – Mother’s Activity in the Subtle World

I don’t know, it was… it was someone I liked very much! I liked him very much (Mother laughs)! I don’t even know whether I knew who he was. And there was no reason! There was no reason, it was… I think I shot him with a pistol (it didn’t matter at all, the man didn’t look unhappy!), what mattered was the GESTURE, the ACT, it was the ACT that mattered… I was full of affection and tenderness for him, and then I killed him. I didn’t know that man, but he was young — maybe he was a symbolic type, I don’t know. I don’t know. And the impression on the old consciousness was… You see, I knew it was night, I knew it was an activity of the night (all of it FULLY conscious), and I even said to myself (laughing), “Still, that’s something I wouldn’t do awake (!)” Then I very clearly heard Sri Aurobindo’s voice answering, “It’s not necessary!” (Mother laughs) The whole thing could have been quite comical.

There were two activities. The first I can’t recount, because, naturally, it can’t be used. But the second vision was like this: I was walking around naked, but DELIBERATELY naked from here to there (gesture from the top of the chest to the thighs); here (above), there may have been clothes. I was DELIBERATELY showing myself to certain people, and I had near me someone, always the same person: the physical Mother. She is the physical Mother, the image or the symbol of the physical Mother. She was with me, and I was wearing, except on the exposed part… (Mother breaks off) Ah, and that part I was showing was sexless, that is to say, neither man nor woman: there was nothing; and its color was… a little like Auroville’s color [orange], like that, but vibrant, that is, as if… not luminous, but with a sort of luminosity. So then, the Mother wore a large cloak, like a large veil over her whole being, with that same color, and she told me, “See, I have put it on because I’ve accepted it — to tell you that I’ve accepted it.”

The skin too was “efflorescent.” And that was the point: no sex, neither man nor woman — no sex. It was a form like this (Mother draws a svelte figure in space), a form resembling our body, but sexless: the two legs joined together.

Those two “dreams” were evidently the representation of the two big difficulties of the human consciousness — but completely overcome, they no longer existed. So then, all those human feelings (the feeling of horror, of fear…), all that was absolutely nonexistent, it was all bliss… In the first “dream,” as I said, there was an intense love, and in the second a dignity, you know, a superior dignity.

Those are the two things that must be mastered. What we call death, which is… — it doesn’t exist. Yes, I must add to the first dream that I killed him, but he was still moving! I had killed him point-blank, but he kept on stirring… I think I shot him with a pistol (though it made no noise and there was no…), but he kept on stirring very well. And he didn’t in the least hold it against me!…You understand, it was the image of the unreality of the falsehood of all those things.

But the second thing, I had always asked, “How is it, the supramental body? I’d like to see it.” Well, I saw it, I saw my body, how it will be. It’s fine! (Laughing) It’s fine!… It’s a body… not very different, but so refined! So… such a refined thing! None of all those movements — those crude movements — none of those simply ordinary human movements can exist there: the two can’t be together; when there is the one, there can’t be the other. That’s the whole point, it has to be… done, clarified — nothing should remain, except… except the divine bliss.

It’s the MATERIAL Nature, the physical Nature, the material physical Nature, and she said, “I’ve put on the dress, I’ve put on YOUR dress — I’ve put on your dress to tell you that I’ve adopted it.”

13. May 1970 – Beginning of the New Body

My own impression (it’s an impression more than a certainty) is that there is a more subtle part (that’s where Sri Aurobindo is [Mother raises her right hand slightly]), a part that depends on the above, that is to say, the higher consciousness and the psychic; then there is a part that tries to take form in the body (gesture of connection between the two or of descent of the one into the other), that is, a way of being of the cells that would be the beginning of a new body, but that’s… when it happens, it’s a bizarre sensation. A bizarre sensation. The very body feels as if… it’s dying — something, it doesn’t know what it is. And it’s rather hard to bear. It’s only a state of intense faith that enables you to bear it. As if the one were being changed into the other… As if what is were trying to change into something else. But that’s… it’s hard to bear. You really have to be in a state of intense faith to go through the thing; it expresses itself as something resembling… something wholly new, so it resembles a discomfort.

Generally, it comes like that, that discomfort I mentioned; so, immediately, the body surrenders — surrenders as if saying (it doesn’t say, but anyway it’s as if): “If it’s death, well, may Your Will be done.” You understand, total surrender. So then, when the surrender is… (if it’s more or less effective, I don’t know), sometimes a clarity comes, an understanding, a SELF-EVIDENCE of everything — a truly remarkable state. But it doesn’t last. The least thing disrupts it.

The body feels that if it could surrender TOTALLY — have no independent existence, no personal effort, no personal will… insofar as that’s possible, everything is fine. But this is a tension and a fatigue that are becoming absolutely unbearable, so… Generally, that’s what brings about death, it’s the fatigue of the tension of life. Last night again, it was like that… It’s becoming so, so strong that I… I was like this (gesture of surrender) and the body gave itself in order to… (how can I put it?), we can’t say to “disappear,” but like this (gesture of fusion and surrender). So I was lying on my bed as if… I might say… I can’t say “ready to die” because there was no will either to die or not to die, but it was like this: without resistance, absolutely without resistance. So then, what happened? I don’t know, hours went by, and then I woke up — it isn’t “sleep,” yet it was something like sleep.

Last night.

In the morning, it wasn’t more difficult than usual — it wasn’t much easier, but not more difficult than usual.

Whenever the body manages not to think about itself (I don’t know how to explain this, because it’s not a “thought”), not to be conscious of itself, then things are better.

I feel that a work is taking place there, below (Mother touches her body), and a work is taking place in this way (gesture a little higher with the right hand, and below with the left hand, both hands parallel with a space between them), and then between the two, it’s… it’s not yet. So then, what’s going to happen between the two?… This (the right hand, above) is the subtle physical, and this (the left hand, below) is the material physical, and then, between the two, there is a confusion… or something that’s not ready or…

23. May 1970 – Vision and Reaction

What I have noticed is that the vision, the reaction (that is, the way of looking at things, and especially the way of understanding) was completely different. Even now, day after day, all the old things in my body, all that is over. But then I see, for instance, when I read things by Sri Aurobindo, I understand them in a completely different way. So then I say to myself that, after all, Sri Aurobindo too was in contact with this consciousness (!)… But the difference is that it’s very practical. For instance, when the government (either Indira or N. S.) sends me a question, “This is the situation, what should we do?”, previously I would have replied, “I don’t know.” But now I see clearly, I tell them, “Do like this and like that, there.” And I don’t give it any prior thought: it’s this Consciousness that sees.

Only, I can’t give it as an indication, because I don’t think it’s the same thing with everybody.