May 1969

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03. May 1969 – New Consciousness: Death, Food, Money

This Consciousness is very interesting. It has (smiling)... it’s not scorn, it’s a sort of faraway indifference for all human ideas – all conventions, all principles, all moralities, it finds all of that... absolutely grotesque. Now and then, it comes into contact with human ideas (Mother takes a surprised tone of voice): “Ooh! So that’s what they think...” It’s amusing!

There are two things. Death, it doesn’t at all understand what we mean by that, the importance we attach to it – but not at all. And then, money, to this consciousness, is buffoonery: this system of money, the invention of this system, which prevents you from doing anything unless you pull out a banknote, to it, really it’s buffoonery. Strange, I suddenly realize that the psychic being (dominating gesture behind)... the psychic being is almost like a witness, it’s a witness to the whole evolution of things, and it KNOWS (it understands the deeper reasons, it knows how things are). It’s in the body that this Consciousness is so active, and so, every time the body goes on with the little habits from the time when there was a mind and a vital, really it feels it as buffoonery. And the attitude with regard to money is like... Death, food and money: this Consciousness feels those are the three “awesome” things in human life, that human life revolves around those three things-eating, (laughing) dying, and having money – and to it, the three are... they are passing inventions which derive from a wholly transitory state that doesn’t correspond to anything very deep or very permanent. That’s its attitude. And then, it teaches the body to be otherwise.

It tolerates food, provided it doesn’t take up too big a place and isn’t too cumbersome or too important; it says, “Very well, that’s the way you’re built, too bad for you, you’ve got to eat.” (Mother laughs)

And then, death... Just yesterday (yesterday afternoon), I had an example. An accident took place, have you heard about it? They’re really wondering how it happened. As for me, I INSTANTLY saw that there was in the girl a psychic will (which she wasn’t conscious of: she only felt an unease), but there was a psychic will to die (why? I don’t know, I haven’t yet seen why). That was clear.

03. May 1969 – Human beings are weak for this Consciousness

For this Consciousness, apart from a few individuals, human beings are weak. They are weak beings. Highly speculative, imaginative, very highly active in the mind, oh, tremendously active; that gives it a sense of... oh-oh, what agitation! But like that, from the psychophysical standpoint, weak.

Since it began, I’ve told you several times about this sense of a FORCE, an absolutely unusual force (I am not the only one: all those who are in contact with this Consciousness say they feel a force... an extraordinary force). And it’s this Consciousness. But it has a different character: it’s a force that sees things differently, wholly differently.

So then, for instance, these two I mentioned [P. and his sister, the two captains], from a human standpoint, you would say they’re really insensitive – it’s because they’re insensitive and too egocentric that the accident took place. In other words, a reproach. In this light, “Oh, these are good instruments, one can lean on them (solid gesture), they won’t sag, they’re strong enough for one to lean on them.” And all that is shown to the body, which is really beginning... (laughing) to know things no body had ever learned before – ever. And to see life quite differently It feels... (laughing) you know, it feels stupid, that is, consciously it’s in one way, and then out of atavism, out of construction, it’s tied down in the other way. So it feels very silly, very silly. But the Consciousness held it (with yesterday’s event), it HELD it in its Consciousness like that, present, until it had really understood everything in detail, and once it had really understood, poff! the thing was gone, finished. So it understands that when something is held like that, it means there’s something to understand, it has a lesson to learn, and when the lesson has been learned, when it has understood, seen clearly – once it has seen clearly and it’s all simple and very clear – that’s it, poff! it’s gone, finished (gesture showing the Consciousness letting go of the body), as though the thing were quite taken away That was taking place at night, while I am not disturbed (the night hours are the only ones when I am not disturbed every minute; I can carry on with my work untroubled), and then I saw. And that night was so peaceful, but with such peace!... It’s ten rungs above the ordinary material “peace,” completely You know, the peace of a psychic will so powerful (Mother stretches her arms in a sovereign gesture), so tranquil... that all our emotions, our reactions, all that absolutely looks like childishness. But the body understands very well (since this Consciousness came it has begun to understand lots of things), it understands that all that [emotions, reactions] was a necessary path to prepare receptive instruments.

It’s really interesting.

There are all the vibrations, the little tensions in beings, and this Consciousness shows (it shows very clearly) how that is the cause of disorganizations, illnesses, distortions... that vibration of constant trepidation – a vibration of weakness.

03. May 1969 – We know NOTHING

We don't know anything! Day after day after day, I am increasingly convinced that WE KNOW NOTHING. We think we know, we think...... and we know nothing. We are in the presence of hidden wonders that elude us completely, because we are idiots. There.

But with this Consciousness, there is the why of everything: everyone’s reaction, why he acts in that way, and... And since it’s been there, not once have I seen in this Consciousness a reproach – not once did it reproach anyone. It has explained everything in such a way that it becomes so luminous, so understanding as to make you wonder, “Why should one reproach anyone?...” Oh, for it, moral notions are something... something ultra-stupid. But I told it (I am still telling it) that they were necessary in the course of evolution to refine matter and open the way to certain forces: if people had been from the beginning wholly satisfied with themselves, they would never have progressed. But now, it’s time to see – time to see.

The vast majority of humanity is unconscious (what I call unconscious, that is, without contact with the Consciousness, not CONSCIOUSLY in contact with Consciousness), the vast majority; but for one who is capable of being above circumstances with a clear and precise vision of the why and the how... it’s wonderful.

There.

It’s what Sri Aurobindo wrote in Savitri: God grows up on earth – God grows – but man... (laughing), the wise man talks and sleeps... and no one will notice it till the work is over. That’s how it is. And he knew it.

03. May 1969 – Experience of January

No, but I... Mind you, if I hadn’t had that experience of January 1st, when I felt it come – I felt it, saw it come, it was wholly concrete, like... like someone coming into the room, you understand, that concrete. So that’s what made me take notice, otherwise I would have found it to be the normal course of the development. But that experience alerted me; that, and the fact that three people felt it before I said anything, and those three people told me about it before I even said a word. They told me about it while asking me, “What has happened?” That’s what I found interesting. But, for me, it was the same thing as for them, there was no difference; I told them there wasn’t any difference in gradation – it wasn’t that this Consciousness was more intimate with me than with you all: it’s the same thing, it was like someone coming in. But a someone... superlatively conscious. That’s what caused me to note the fact; otherwise I would have taken it as the course of the development, like you.

And it did that thing... (it was the first time it happened to me...) You see, I was asked, “What is the condition one should be in to fully receive this Consciousness?” So I was here, sitting like this, and the person was sitting where you are (a little more to the side), and I saw with my open eyes the Consciousness (not this consciousness: the Supreme Consciousness) come down (gesture like a column of light before Mother)... That, mon petit, it can’t be described.... I was like this (eyes wide open), and I saw it come (same gesture like a column) and settle down on the wooden floor like that, about this size (gesture: about five feet wide). All the rest was as usual (Mother shows the furniture, her bed, which she could see as usual), and there was “that” which I saw with these very eyes. Then this Consciousness took my consciousness (revolving gesture starting from Mother’s left side, going through the column of light in front of Mother, and returning on the right side): I didn’t see anything [i.e., any shadow]. I wondered whether it had gone through the column (yet I FELT it while going through). And then, so I would understand clearly it took the consciousness of the person sitting there and made it go through [the column of light], and I saw a slight form, I saw a blue form in the place of the head.... That was a weakness. For a long while I saw, I looked, then it went away all of a sudden. You know, it’s so independent of one’s will, aspiration, movements of consciousness – of everything. And like this: visible for this body – on its scale, you understand. Fantastic!

This body was accustomed to having experiences under the psychic’s influence, in its adoration for... the Supreme Conscious Truth – in adoration. Its whole joy was there, it was fully satisfied. But since that time, it has had experiences – which the other parts of the being had IN THEIR OWN WAY, but now this way this physical way is so concrete!... So concrete and tangible.... The body can say, “I have SEEN the Supreme Consciousness,” like people in the past who said, “I have seen God.” – This body doesn’t believe in God... it believes in something much better than God! (laughter)

03. May 1969 – Mother: inner inquiry of the girl's death

I can tell you about the result of ‘my’ inquiry – the inner inquiry. Last night I was busy all the time looking at this incident. I found that it was her soul that took this decision – she was not conscious – but her soul wanted to go... to leave her body. From the facts that I gather from you it seems that there was not enough reason for her drowning – in spite of it her soul managed to leave her body.

This fact was further supported when this morning Champaklal brought a dish of flowers to be burnt on her body. I saw a pretty little flame in the center of the dish. Generally I do not give any flowers on the dish; I send it as it is. But today I was specially interested, I took a rose and put it on the flame of the dish. The flame grew big and it was glowing wonderfully – it was very beautiful.

07. May 1969 – New Consciousness works on people's vital beings

This Consciousness has started working in people’s vital beings. Have you noticed? Some people had big vital difficulties – it’s beginning to work in them. It’s quite unexpected for me. You haven’t noticed?

I have the impression that just as it has tried, not exactly to dissolve religions, but to get inside them and remove barriers, it’s taken it into its head to do the same thing with politics (if I may say so). It seems to be working to create, not a disharmony, but a sort of... to take away cohesion among people: cohesion among parties, cohesion among religions. As though this Consciousness were doing that.

10. May 1969 – Death, Suffering, Pain

You know, it’s day after day after day that there’s something new; and always the immediate conclusion: I know nothing, understand nothing, am nothing.... The negation of EVERYTHING – all the scaffoldings of the human mind and consciousness... collapsed. And for small things, for big things, for everything. And then, this question of death: “What is death? What takes place?...” To this Consciousness, it’s... it’s clearly what we might call an “accident,” but an accident... that has persisted. And it’s now showing how one dies, that is, how the body suddenly comes apart-and how it might very well not have come apart.

And with demonstrations on people, imagine. Someone comes and implores me to die; so the only thing I do, and can do, is to establish contact in a constant and unalloyed way between... (what should I call it?) the destiny of that body and the Supreme Consciousness, like that. And then, all kinds of things have taken place: one left in an hour – died absolutely healthy, you understand. And very recently, I had another extraordinary example: someone comes and implores me to leave; so I put the full Force on him – now he’s completely cured! They had brought him to me in a wheelchair, he couldn’t walk... now he trots about, he comes all alone! And he’s old, very nearly ninety.... Another was clinging on; then his daughter told me, “He is unhappy, miserable, can’t you make him leave?” I looked, and I saw, tight like this (Mother squeezes two fingers together with all her strength), a black knot there. I told the daughter, “Yes, I don’t mind, but I can’t cut his head off! (laughing) He is clinging on like this (same gesture).” Two days later, gone!

My method is always the same, of course: full concentration of the Supreme Consciousness on the person, removing all obstacles. It works like this, like that... (gesture of moving about here and there). And it’s like a factual demonstration that ALL the rules we have established in our consciousness, all of that is absolutely idiotic. It doesn’t correspond to the truth. There’s... something. There is something.

Yesterday (laughing), this Consciousness made me see all the wills, or the vibrations (because ultimately it boils down to qualities of vibrations), all the vibrations that bring about anything from the smallest troubles to the biggest catastrophes – it’s all of the same quality. And how the physical cells respond. And now and then – now and then – like a reward for the effort: what needs to be done, the true thing. But that passes – it’s like a dazzle, but it doesn’t last. We are... This Consciousness seems to have to go very fast, because from the point of view of consciousness, we are still quite in a quagmire, and it goes like this (gesture of an irresistible march forward), oh, it asserts itself.

And this poor body... it doesn’t complain. It doesn’t complain; it goes on, almost constantly with some pain somewhere – and it’s in a blissful state. That’s in the consciousness of the cells. There is something... Constantly some pain somewhere, but it knows it’s because of its incapacity to hold out, that’s all – but it has to, it will have to.

It’s unbelievable. Unbelievable, it’s a story... a story more extraordinary than anything we can imagine.

Why? Why that habit of suddenly coming apart, why?... Of course, it’s not something new that came with man, because it was the same thing with all that preceded him: it would take form, dissolve – take form, live, grow, and dissolve – everything: plants and... The mineral kingdom was more stable by virtue of its unconsciousness (!), but all the rest was like that, constantly taking form, losing form, taking form and losing form again.... Then man made a fuss about it, of course, and a drama. He dramatized it, and because he dramatized it he endeavors... not to get out of it, but to adjust himself – to understand and adjust himself. And when you are in a certain consciousness, it simply looks like foolishness, nothing else. But why?... Is the human body incapable of...? It’s not even that, I can’t even say that. There are minutes (minutes, it doesn’t last), minutes when the body feels it has escaped that law [of death]. But it doesn’t last; it’s for one minute, then it passes and things are back as they were. But the body consciousness is beginning to wonder why it’s like that: Why, why isn’t there... a growth in light and in consciousness, an indefinite growth? Why? The body itself wonders why. Also, it’s constantly assailed by all the... well, the general corruption; and once in a while – once in a while – a flash of light, lasting... a few seconds: all of a sudden, something else. Something else and... a wonderful consciousness, and then the old routine goes on.

Then, people come with all their thoughts.... Some come, sit down in front of me, and start thinking, “Maybe it’s the last time I am seeing her!” Things of that sort, you understand. So it all comes (gesture like a truckload being dumped), and because of that, it’s... a bit difficult.

Within, there isn’t the assertion of a yes or a no: nothing at all, there’s nothing, it’s like this (neutral, immobile gesture). There’s only a constant Presence. A constant Presence, and it’s in this Presence that the body takes refuge. But you know... There are other things [i.e., good ones] that come too, but those other things... there are perhaps... oh, they happen perhaps once or twice in twenty-four hours: all of a sudden, a light that is pure... Like that, something pure, which makes what we might call a minute of eternity That’s good. But it’s rare.

The body knows a lot, a lot of things about what happens (I think, in fact, about all that happens within its sphere of activity), but it’s forbidden to say them. And those things are put in such a way that they can’t be said, because the way they’re put, they wouldn’t make any sense for others. “Don’t speak, don’t speak.”

But the quantity of formations in the earth atmosphere that we might call “defeatist,” it’s tremendous! You wonder how everything isn’t smashed, it’s so... Everybody is all the time, all the time shaping catastrophes – expecting the worst, seeing the worst, observing nothing but the worst.... Their reactions... Oh, you know, it’s down to the smallest things: the body observes everything. So when the reaction is in harmony, everything is fine; when there is that reaction I now call defeatist, if someone takes an object, he drops it. It happens all the time. There’s absolutely no reason whatsoever why it should happen: it’s the presence of the defeatist consciousness. Someone takes an object, and drops it; he wanted to do one thing, and he is made to do another.. And if (the body having been aware of it), if it makes the mistake of telling the person the thing AS IT IS, the person is completely upset!... It happened again two days ago – a very simple thing, you know, that is, just as it is, and the person is completely upset!

But you know, this Consciousness is amusing, it has put this body in contact with, if not all, at least a considerable number of desires that it should die! Everywhere, they are everywhere! It sees that, sees it as it is, but it’s not affected at all anymore, it doesn’t care in the least. It seems to be fully protected from all the things that come. It doesn’t care in the least. Most of the time, they even make it laugh. But it’s incredible!... And then, from time to time, a little flame, it’s so lovely! And that Presence... That Presence, that Presence... These cells are like children: when they feel, everything, but everything disappears except that Presence; then there is... like a sigh of relief. But outwardly, it’s invisible: if the body were suffering, it would amount to the same thing. Generally, when it suffers, it doesn’t complain: it calls.... It calls and calls and calls.... And it’s quite aware that it’s absolutely useless, that if it only knew... how to go into immobility, go into silence, it would be enough. As soon as it does it...

But I am not quite sure (because it hasn’t tried to find out), not quite sure that all those pains it feels all over, all the time, aren’t coming from... aren’t the effect of all the bad wills. They are all over the earth, you know. And most of the time, they’re hardly conscious...

Why is it like this?... Why, why?... Will you tell me why this exteriorization began (not began: it’s here, on the earth) with this almost total Inconscient – the Inconscient, this almost total inertia? Why did it have to begin with this?... Why?

The mind has imagined all kinds of magnificent reasons, it builds constructions – that seems like childishness.... Why?

There’s the whole side of Buddhism, nihilism and so on, according to which (we can give a translation for children) the Supreme Lord made a mistake! (Mother laughs) He blundered, so... And then we’ll help Him get out of his blunder!

There’s the other extreme: it’s YOUR own stupidity that makes you feel it this way – but then, why do I have stupidity in me, where does it come from?

17. May 1969 – When Sri Aurobindo left...

When Sri Aurobindo left, I was standing near his bed (later on, when he was alone, when there was no one left), and all the supramental force he had concentrated in his body (what was left in his body), he passed on to me. I stood near his bed; he had been declared “dead,” but all that supramental consciousness which was there came out of his body, slowly, and directly entered mine. It was so material that I felt the friction of the force everywhere, all over. But it was slightly luminous. That was something different than with Pavitra. As for Sri Aurobindo, he... (how can I put it?), he stayed mainly... I found him everywhere: I found him all the way up, absolutely one with the Supreme Consciousness; I found him spread about in many places to see many people and do a lot of work; and I found him (but then, in a precise form, though NOT FIXED – A precise, rather supple form that looked like him, like what we knew of him, with more suppleness, without the fixity of the physical, but quite precise, a form in his likeness, quite in his likeness), I found him in the subtle physical.

There he has a dwelling, he is settled and stays permanently (which doesn’t prevent him from being at many other places and...), but there is a Sri Aurobindo there whom I see almost every night, who looks after the whole work, sees people, and who is almost constantly with me. In the subtle physical, it’s a specific place, and very large – huge, you know, he is there, seeing people, doing all kinds of things....

Apart from that, in Amrita’s case, it was something different again. Amrita used to come in spite of his illness, he used to come and see me every day; he would come upstairs in the morning and sit down here, and once again in the evening (you saw how much work it was to climb the stairs). In his case, when he left... The doctor had told him, “You can’t go upstairs for a month,” and it’s after that, later on that day, that he came: he didn’t accept, he left his body and came – he came straight to me. But he was IN HIS OWN FORM, more subtle, but precisely defined (Mother draws an outline showing Amrita’s form), it was his form, in his likeness. And he remained there, now active and now at rest (he rests more than he is active, but now and then he is still active). It’s like... like a shadow, you understand, which is wholly in my atmosphere. And he has stayed there – he stays there, rests there. But in Pavitra’s case, it was something else altogether: it’s the entire conscious being which gave up... (how can I put it?) its limits, the personal limit and form, so as to identify totally – he entered like that, like a stream of consciousness and force, but very material, very material: it produced a friction, I felt a friction, and for three hours. I had never seen that before, it was the first time – I had heard about it very often (it’s often mentioned), that knowledge the great yogis had: they would go like that deliberately.

And it has ADDED something to the body consciousness. In the body’s spontaneous attitude, its way of being, I have noticed a slight change; it has added a sort of... stability in the body: a satisfied stability, like that. It’s not like something that comes and might go, it’s not that: it’s here [in Mother]. It has been really quite interesting – and unexpected.

I wanted to be sure that there was nothing left that could make the body suffer, but now I think it’s over.

17. May 1969 – Notions of Individuality

Those notions of individuality, you know... for me, they’ve changed a lot, quite a lot. This whole morning again... But for a long time, at least for a month, it has become something else.

When people speak of individuality, there’s always a sort of at least a background of separation, that is, something that exists independently and has its own destiny Now, as the body consciousness knows it, it’s almost like a pulsation of “something” which MOMENTARILY has a separate action, but which, deeply, essentially, is always ONE. Like something projected like this (gesture of expansion), momentarily with a form, and then... (gesture of contraction) it can cancel that form at will. It’s very hard to explain, but at any rate, the sense of the permanence of separation has completely disappeared, completely The universe is an exteriorization (same gesture of pulsation) of the Supreme Consciousness; it’s our incapacity of total vision that enables us to have that sense of fixity: there is none, it’s something like pulsations or... really a play of forms – there is only ONE being. There is only one being. There’s only one, only one Consciousness, only one Being.

Separation s really... I don’t know what happened.... And that’s what made all the mischief – all the misfortune, all the misery... For the last few days, this body has gone through a series of experiences (it would be much too long to tell), through all the states of consciousness one can go through, from the sense of the single reality of this (Mother pinches the skin of her hands), of the substance, with all the misery, all the suffering which is the consequence of seeing matter as the single reality – from that to liberation. Hour after hour, it has been a whole work. And this incident of Pavitra’s departure has come as an example, as a demonstration.

But even before that, the consciousness of the cells had realized the oneness – the true, essential oneness – which CAN become total... if this sort of illusion disappears. You understand, the illusion which has created all this misery was lived so intensely that it became almost unbearable, with all the horrors and all the terrors it has created in the human consciousness and on the earth.... There have been... dreadful things. And just after that, just after: liberation.

What remains to be lived, that is, the experience that remains to be had, is... the next progress of the creation, of matter – the next step to return to the true Consciousness. That’s...

It seems to have been decided that something like a beginning, or an attempt of experience, is going to be made (Mother touches her body).

It’s a question of intensity of faith, or of the power to bear that faith gives. All depends on the capacity to go through the necessary experiences.

In any case, all the old notions, all the old ways of understanding things, all that is quite over, it’s past.

And all that is necessarily the return path; we had to walk that path and we still have to walk it (though not the same thing), but all the while progressing until we can... until this [the body] is ready to live the Truth. I don’t know, the impression is that things are going as fast as they can possibly go; the Consciousness is really making us move forward as fast as possible. It’s no longer the time of a drowsiness that drags on.

I can say (and it was almost like a surprise, I mean I didn’t know it), I can say that the consciousness that came out of Pavitra’s body was a consciousness without ego – without ego. Without SENSE of ego. There was a clear will to merge, a will with an intensity of aspiration, it was fantastic! Fantastic.

17. May 1969 – Mother: I don't know what's going on?

What’s going to happen? I don’t know.

Because it [this merging of Pavitra] is very clearly part of the work: there are no accidents, nothing, nothing of the sort (all that has vanished), everything very clearly happened exactly as it had to happen. It seems to mean that “one” is attempting something (Mother touches her body). But what? I don’t know.... The body isn’t at all worried, it’s like this (Mother opens her hands); always this: “What You will, Lord, what You will....” And with a smile and perfect joy – this way, that way, that other way... (fluid gesture, as if to indicate this or that side of the world, or all kinds of other sides).... Very strangely, it has been given a consciousness that no longer has anything to do with time: you understand, there isn’t “when it was not,” there isn’t “when it will no longer be,” there isn’t... It’s not like that, everything is something in motion. But it’s really very interesting. And all, all those reactions, those sensations, those feelings, all that has completely changed – changed even in its appearance. It’s something else.

You understand, the states one could be in when one was in the highest consciousnesses – those that were united, were automatically one with the Supreme Consciousness and were conscious of the whole – those states have become the body’s natural state. Effortlessly, spontaneously: it cannot be otherwise. So what’s going to happen? How is it going to take expression? I don’t know...

It’s contrary to all habits.

Does this consciousness know what needs to be done on the material level? I don’t know. But the body isn’t worrying about that at all, it does what it has to do from second to second, without asking any questions. No complications, no plans, nothing, nothing.

21. May 1969 – Sri Aurobindo in multiplied action

A case such as Sri Aurobindo’s is quite different: it’s as if he had been multiplied. He has a constant presence in the subtle physical: he goes about, visits a number of people, and he is conscious of a lot of things, he intervenes in a lot of things, but a considerable number – it has multiplied his action. But that’s exceptional.

21. May 1969 – Following Théon’s indication

Most people – the vast majority of people – go into a sort of assimilative sleep: all the experiences they had in their lives, all they learned, the consciousness seems to ruminate over that. In the beginning... (Théon knew a lot of things – I don’t know how he came to know them, but I verified them and found them to be correct), in the beginning, the span of time between two lives is very long, and it’s a sort of assimilative sleep in which the consequences of what one has learned develop inwardly. Then, as the psychic being is formed and as one grows more conscious, rebirths take place more and more closely, until the time when rebirth becomes the result of a choice: at a precise place, for a specific length of time. And then, depending on what the psychic being wants to do, depending on the action it has to do, the new birth may be near or distant. There, we have all possible differences. But in the formative stage, that’s how it is: very distant rebirths. So then, I’ve often wondered... You see, Théon says there is a psychic STATE in which those beings rest (it’s true, there is such a place, I know it), but many people, especially at the beginning of their evolution, are quite tied down to the earth; I have seen quite a few people in trees, for instance. Very often I saw them in trees; often, while following someone [with the inner vision], I saw him enter into a tree; and often, while looking at a tree, I saw someone in it. I saw others who were... oh, people clinging to a place they were interested in: for instance, I saw a man who was interested in nothing but his money, which he had hidden somewhere, and as soon as he left his body, he went there, settled there, and refused to budge from there!... Incidentally (laughing), it had a curious result: it led people to discover the place! You see, it caused movements of forces, and some people felt it and thought, “Oh, there must be something here.”

There was a time when I concerned myself with that a good deal, and I made a good number of discoveries (following Théon’s indications); later on, it no longer interested me. And now, quite lately, I have been reviewing all kinds of things, all kinds of things...

21. May 1969 – About Sri Aurobindo's departure

But Pavitra’s case, I really believe it’s exceptional. It’s the first time it has happened to me – with nobody, nobody else before. I told you, when Sri Aurobindo left, for hours he passed on to me the whole supramental force and consciousness he had concentrated in his body. It was immediately after he left. I felt he had called me; I stood there, near his bed, looking at him, and... I saw it, you understand: he passed on to me the force, the whole supramental force he had concentrated in his body, and I felt him everywhere enter like that, with a friction. It lasted for hours. But that’s quite an exceptional case, as I told you. But what took place with Pavitra is really... it’s really... It’s not the same thing: he simply came out of his body deliberately (and not his psychic being: it was as material as he could), and I felt him, felt it enter and enter everywhere, all over my body... And now, if I look within, I can’t say I see a form, but... it’s not completely fused. And for certain things – certain things that have to do with people, or the School – there’s a very clear personal reaction. And then, those photos... I think that’s quite exceptional.

I felt something in the brain. You know that since Sri Aurobindo gave me mental silence, it has been absolutely still; it never started up again as before, and the consciousness has been there (gesture above Mother), working from there. But then after Pavitra came here, something (gesture to the forehead) impelled me to ask (I asked what’s here, within), “Could I get the mathematical knowledge you had?” I asked him that. And his answer was, “Of course, it would be easy if you set this in motion again!” But that I don’t want to do. Anyway...

Anyway, that’s how it is, as if I were talking to someone within! How happy he was! I think he loved you very much. He never spoke a word about all that. It has pleased him a lot.

21. May 1969 – Unreality of Death

But the strange thing is that it has given a sense of the complete unreality of death – instantly. And then, this body (laughing) is funny (!), now and then it asked, “Am I alive or am I dead?!” Like that. “Am I alive or... I’m not sure!” It had a very high fever, it was quite in a bad state, and it wasn’t too sure whether it was the one involved!... That didn’t last. And, I don’t know... all that seemed to be a demonstration to make us understand the secrets of existence. It’s strange.

Something has changed in the nights too. That is, the last two nights have been extremely active; I went to some places (if I went there before, I didn’t stay long) where there were lots of people, but mingled, that is, the so-called living and the so-called dead together. Quite together, and used to being together, and finding it quite natural – but CROWDS of people! Last night, I noticed Nolini there – he was there, he was used to being there – and we arranged things, organized, made decisions.... It seems to me to be in the subtle physical.

I remember that in both cases, yesterday and today, when I got up, I thought, “Well! I told this and that person that I didn’t use to see them at night, but I see them regularly!” And to one of those people (in fact it was... who was it?) I said, “Of course, I see you constantly, and we constantly do things together.” It seems to have opened in me the memory of a new activity – not “new”: a new memory of an old activity.

There is increasingly an impression that our head and our way of seeing are what makes clear-cut limits like that [between life and death, between the ones and the “others”] – but it’s not like that! It’s all mingled, it’s consciousness... (gesture of stirring and mixing) interdeveloping, I don’t know. And all that is together.

It’s far more interdependent than we think.

(silence)

At any rate, with this departure of Pavitra, one thing has been categorical: if there was in the body the least fear of death, or anxiety, it’s completely gone. With Pavitra’s case, it’s completely gone, completely. The impression is: “But... but why do people make such a fuss about that!”

There, it’s strange.

24. May 1969 – Creation can be so marvelous...

It’s difficult.... The English would say, it’s not a joke.... Everything, everything is getting disorganized, everything is disorganized.

It’s easy to see that it’s getting disorganized TOWARDS a higher organization, that is, a broadening, a liberation – that’s true... but nothing, nothing at all is working in the ordinary way any longer. So the body can no longer eat, can no longer... Sleep, of course, for a long time there hasn’t been any ordinary sleep (I don’t regret it), but everything, just everything is like this (gesture of upheaval).

(long silence)

It’s a very strange sensation: no relationship remains as it was before. Nothing: neither of the body with itself, nor of the body with others, nor anything; it’s all... like something that has disappeared. Now and then, you know, it’s like a breath of air passing by, a small thing... I can’t say how it is – charming. It’s not a pleasure, not a joy, it’s... a breeze passing by, something quite special – and charming, quite charming. You drink a drop of something, which the minute before was absolutely dull – it’s not intense, not violent, not strong, but... charming. The next minute, it’s gone.

The body suddenly feels a sense of peaceful and luminous rest, something quite... adorable – the next minute, it feels pain all over.

So everything is like that.

A sort of identification with everything, which is far from being too pleasant (it’s not unpleasant either), but... it gives a bizarre impression of life. Everything is like that. One moment, the impression that you don’t depend on anything, that you are an expression... (how could I put it? [Mother smiles]) an expression of the Lord, and that you depend on nothing; the next minute, that you are nothing at all, merely a sort of semiconscious movement in the middle of a general semi-consciousness – very unpleasant. It’s like that, and all the time like that.... At one time, things become so... (what should I say?) repugnant, almost, that you feel like screaming – and in fact, if you don’t keep a check on yourself, you do start screaming. Another time... everything is so peaceful that you feel as if you are entering an eternity So you understand... All that you can do in the middle of all that is to be still!

Then, it comes along with an awareness (not a mental perception: an awareness) of all that people think, all that people feel, all that... it’s all oh, so pitiful! It’s so pitiful.... As I said, one minute, suddenly there’s something absolutely marvelous; and the next minute, it’s... So the body, one can’t say it finds that very amusing, no, but it... It doesn’t rebel in the least, not in the least, it says, “Since it’s like that, it has to be like that.” Sometimes, now and then, it aspires to get somewhere.

You see the condition.

As a result, I can no longer, I can no longer even...-for instance, previously, when someone told me he had difficulties or was unhappy or... it was very simple, spontaneously I would say, “But just think of something else, think of the yoga, and you’ll find peace” – I can’t even say that any longer! Because I can’t tell people, “Do as I do and you’ll be in peace”! It’s true that I don’t have a single care – not one care. One day (it was yesterday or the day before, I don’t remember), everything seemed to go haywire – everything everywhere: everybody, all circumstances, all things – every thing, on the scale of the earth. Not on a small scale, on the scale of the earth. On a small scale: complete disorder; on a general scale: complete disorder. But even that the body can still see and smile at. But you see, it can’t eat anymore, or it throws up all that it eats, or... Complete disorder. I can’t say it finds that perfectly all right, but it doesn’t find it unbearable; it says, “It’s like that, so it’s like that.” Because there’s always, always this, this which doesn’t budge (gesture above the head, like an unshakable will), there is always the consciousness of... reaching, reaching the Lord, the Supreme Consciousness... reaching the Lord. This is stable. This is durable. And then: “If all this still has to dissolve, it will dissolve; if it can evolve, it will evolve; if it has to go through all these troubles, which really aren’t very pleasant, it will go through them.” This doesn’t budge (same gesture above the head). And it even comes – when things begin to be troublesome enough, it comes like this: “To be what the Lord wills.... What You will.”

There.

So I’ve stopped speaking – I am speaking just now, but I have stopped speaking because...

And a sort of fluidity (gesture spread all around): either what people have comes here, or what’s here goes out there, or... A fluidity like that... which isn’t particularly pleasant. It’s interesting, even amusing at times – it’s funny, comical. But I can’t say it’s very cheering.

I didn’t even know if I would say anything, because it’s really not... really not pleasant to say... How long is it going to last? I don’t know... There are times when you feel it can’t last, it’s going to end; and there are times when you feel it can go on like that for an eternity. And then, when it’s like that, when there is that feeling... “Why? Why, why all this? Is it really any use to have a manifestation like this, which lasts eternally like this? What’s the use?...” If you have the vision of a Beauty and a Joy, a Harmony, then you say, “All right, let’s go through the difficulty and then we’ll arrive there,” but this way, if things must always be as they are... So there.

And then, as I have said, from time to time, for ONE second (not even one second), a joy... something... I can’t say, it’s neither joy nor pleasure nor happiness, nor any of all that, it’s... something adorable – which may be nothing: it may be a taste, or a perfume, or a gesture, and then... it disappears. If the world were constantly like that, it would be a wonderful thing! Wonderful, inexpressibly wonderful, but... But impossible to be all alone like that, it’s not possible. It’s not possible, there is all that comes from outside (gesture like a truckload being dumped) and which... So if we have to wait till everything is changed... phew!

It’s obvious that the creation CAN be a wonderful thing – it seems to be the opposite of that. But how is the one going to change into the other?...

(silence)

The body has reached a state of consciousness in which it knows that death can bring about a change, but isn’t – isn’t a disappearance (disappearance of the consciousness). And then, that idea the vast majority of human beings have: the repose of death... (Mother puts her hand on her mouth, as if before an extraordinary piece of nonsense). Not even that consolation. For most people, it’s the opposite of a repose. So then, there too, but even more acutely and intensely: “The only, the SOLE hope is... You, Lord, to be You. Let there be nothing but You. Let this separation, this difference disappear, it is MONSTROUS!” Let it disappear. Then, let it be as You will: You in full activity, or You in complete repose – it doesn’t matter in the least; whether it is this way or that way, either way it’s completely, completely unimportant; the important thing is that it should be You.

There’s the absolute CERTITUDE (Mother clenches her two fists) that there’s only ONE way out of all that, only ONE – only one, not two, there’s no choice, there aren’t a few possibilities, there’s only one: it’s... the supreme Door. The Marvel of Marvels. All the rest... all the rest is an impossibility.

And all that is the experience of this (Mother points to her body), it’s not mental, but wholly and completely material.

I see, you know, because people’s consciousness is an open book for me (there’s no difference, it’s an open book), and so I see: in the vast majority of people, when things become really difficult, there is that idea (that sort of idea is always there): “Oh, one day, all that will be over.” – What a joke!

Since this Creation can be a marvel identical with the Supreme Consciousness, why, why did it have to go through all this? (Mother draws a circle that comes back to its starting point)

Now and then that comes to it.

But obviously, it’s idiotic, because it’s useless – it’s like that, so it’s like that. All the whys will not prevent things from being like that. All that we have to do is to find the way for them no longer to be like that, that’s all.

(silence)

I always think of Buddha and all of them: we’ll go and merge with the Lord, and then there’ll be nothing left! (Mother takes her head in her hands)

So then, for their theory to be credible, they say... (laughing) that it’s all an “error.” And they don’t see the stupidity of their theory: that the Supreme Lord should have been capable of an error... and then should have repented and withdrawn from it!

These people, all these people, the more convinced they are, the more you feel they are shut up in blinkers.

24. May 1969 – This Consciousness helped a lot...

At any rate (this is very clear), the consciousness striving to help the body in the work has made it understand perfectly well that going away isn’t a solution. Even if there was earlier a curiosity to know what the body will be, that curiosity is gone; as for the desire to stay on, that went away long ago; the possible desire to leave when things become a bit... suffocating went away with the idea that it would change nothing at all. So only one thing remains for the body: to perfect acceptance. That’s all.

When it doesn’t talk about it, it’s relatively easier; when it expresses it, it becomes very concrete.

There.

The only thing that really consoles it (but not for long) is the idea, “What you are doing is useful for all; what you are doing isn’t for you, a stupid little person, it’s for the whole entire creation to profit by it.” That’s what gives it patience.

But when there are people with, you know, a great goodwill (with perhaps a little ambition) to do some work too, I tell them, “If it comes, take it, but don’t pull it to you....” A part of the creation had to do the work for the whole (that’s obvious – obvious), and, well, what speaks [i.e., Mother] happens to be at least a part. There had to be someone. That’s good; it’s like that, so it’s like that; there’s no point being... It’s like that, so it’s like that.

Ah, it’s only asking to do the work properly, and that’s all.

The body is aware of a very deep stupidity, and it realizes that because of that stupidity, the whole entire universe is the way it is.

And its perfect incapacity to get out of it... It’s a question of Grace, that’s all.... There are some seconds when everything is so wonderful as to be unbelievable, and then, the next second...

There. It’s better not to talk about it.

24. May 1969 – Satprem's importance to the Mother

You are helping me as much as you can. It’s very good.... There’s one thing: you are the only one I can talk to. And that’s good. From a general standpoint, I am very grateful for that – you are the only one I can talk to. The others don’t understand.

The others don’t understand.

I don’t know. I don’t know what will happen. There are times when things become so difficult that I wonder if the body will be able to hold out, but I would like... I would like people not to put me in a box and shove the body... like that, because it will be aware of it, it will feel it, and that will mean adding one more misery to all those it has had. Let them wait till it deteriorates. I am saying this to you, so you will be able to say it to others if necessary.

Yes, certainly.

It doesn’t desire that, it doesn’t fear it – things will be as they will have to be, that’s all. Only, it would really like people to understand... to understand the effort it has made, and not to rush to (gesture of getting rid of a burdensome body) shut it in, with a heap of earth above it. Because even long after doctors will have declared it to be dead, it will be conscious: its cells are conscious.

So there, that’s all.

I don’t know... maybe... You know, there’s such a long way to go that it appears... absolutely miraculous. And the other thing [“death”] seems to me more and more idiotic. So I am like this (gesture in between). It’s really a queer condition: you’re not alive, you’re not dead.

28. May 1969 – Only one solution...

There’s only one solution, the direct contact of the physical with the Supreme. It’s the only thing. There.

But the body’s cells... (I don’t know whether it’s specific to this body; I can’t believe this body to be so exceptional), they are ABSOLUTELY convinced, and they keep trying and trying and trying all the time, all the time, for every misery, every difficulty, every... There’s only one solution, only one thing: “You, You alone, to You – You alone exist.” That’s what expressed itself as the illusion of the world in the consciousness of people such as Buddhists and others, but that was a half translation.

The true translation is, “You alone exist, You alone.” All the rest... all the rest is misery. Misery, suffering... darkness.

Oof!...

Maybe – maybe if... In Sri Aurobindo’s conception, the Supermind clearly escaped all this misery.

There’s only That. Otherwise, it’s difficult.

Maybe half-measures are no longer sufficient.... I don’t know. Maybe the time has come to take a clear stand.

This body has taken its stand. But I thought that... One must be very, very enduring – very enduring – so I wasn’t urging others to do it; but that may be saying that perhaps THE TIME HAS COME. I don’t know.

31. May 1969 – A Night with Sri Aurobindo: about Auroville

Two nights ago, I spent more than three hours with Sri Aurobindo, and I showed him all that was going to descend for Auroville. It was rather interesting. There were games, there was art, there was even cooking! But all that was very symbolic. I explained it to him as if on a table, in front of a large landscape; I explained the principle on whose basis physical exercises and games were going to be organized. It was very clear, very precise, I even did a demonstration, as if showing him on a very small scale: a representation on a very small scale of what was going to be done. I moved people, things... (gesture as if on a chessboard). But it was very interesting, and he was interested: he gave kinds of broad laws of organization (I don’t know how to explain).

There was art and it was lovely, it was fine. And how to make houses pleasant and beautiful, with what principle of construction. And cooking too, it was very amusing! There were the different manners of presenting a dish; take a fish, for instance, with the different ways of preparing it, and everyone came with his own invention.... It went on for more than three hours (three hours of the night, that’s huge). I woke up at 4 o’clock with that (4 o’clock, and I had gone back to bed at 1 o’clock: 1 to 4 is three hours – I can still calculate!). Very interesting.

31. May 1969 – Earth's darkness effects Mother

Yes, yes. But both are there. It’s true. A CONFUSION – it’s a confusion – a dark confusion, yes. A dark confusion, but that’s what Sri Aurobindo always said: the confusion becomes much more intense and dark just when the light is to come. That’s correct. It looks like a dark chaos. And especially in this country... terrible, oh, unbelievable things. It’s because serious people said them to me (they aren’t newspaper gossip) that I am obliged to believe them. There are really dreadful things going on in the government and in the organization – dreadful. Unbelievable. And the Chinese...

That explains all the visions I’ve had. I thought... I put the blame on my body, thinking this poor body has an unfortunate atavism: constantly dreadful, frightful imaginations – but they weren’t imaginations, it was conscious of what was going on.... Oh!...

Oh, what you’re telling me is very interesting, because yesterday (these last few days, these last three days), faced with the horror of the perception of things, this body (which is quite the opposite of sentimental, it’s never, never been sentimental) started weeping.... It didn’t weep materially, but it was... And with an inner intensity, it said, “Oh, why does this world exist?” Like that, it was so... awful, sad, miserable... so miserable and... so horrible, you know, oh!... But it instantly gets the Response – not a response with words, it’s simply... like an immensity opening in the Light. Then, there’s nothing more to say.

But how can That, that immensity, become this?... I don’t know. The question is, “How did That become this?...” That’s how it came: “How could That, the Wonder, become this – this hideous, monstrous thing?”

But the process to change this back into That is what I don’t know... The process is... abdication (what word should we use?), self-giving (that’s not it). But the body felt everything, everything to be so... horrible. There was a very, very difficult day.

And curiously, I knew at that time that it was the exact repetition of the experience Buddha Siddhartha had, and that it was IN this experience that he said, “There is only one way out: Nirvana.” And at the SAME TIME, I had the true state of consciousness: his solution and the true one. That was really interesting. How the Buddhistic solution is only ONE step taken on the path – one step. And BEYOND that (not on another path, but BEYOND that) is where the true solution lies. It was a decisive experience.

(long silence)

But what’s this creation?... You know, separation, then wickedness, cruelty (the thirst to cause harm, we might say), then suffering, again the joy of causing suffering, and then all disease, decomposition, death – destruction. (All that is part of a single thing.) What happened?... The experience I had was the UNREALITY of those things, as though we had stepped into an unreal falsehood, and when you step out of it, everything vanishes – it DOES NOT exist, it isn’t. That’s what is frightful! What to us is so real, so concrete, so dreadful, all that does not exist. It’s... stepping into Falsehood. Why? How? What?...

But never, never in this body’s whole, entire existence, not once – not once – has it felt such a... total and profound sorrow as on that day... Oh, something that made it... (Mother has a lump in her throat). And at the end of it all, Bliss. And then, pfft! it faded away, as if to say, “Not yet, not yet, the time hasn’t come yet.” But as if all this, which is so awful, did not exist.

After all, it’s probably... probably only on the earth (that I don’t know). It doesn’t seem to be like that, because for the moon, it’s very concretely a sense of devastation. Anyway, there’s nevertheless a very strong, very concrete sensation that what’s like that, in this Falsehood, is something limited. And unreal. And that we are all in Falsehood and Unreality – that’s why things are as they are. And the interesting point was that that escape into Nirvana wasn’t the solution, it was only a remedy – a remedy for a time (how can I explain? I don’t know)... a partial remedy. A partial and, we might almost say, momentary remedy.

So that’s a paroxysm at a certain point. Afterwards comes the long path: one must go on and on with the PROGRESSIVE work of transformation. Then, the next minute, there is what Sri Aurobindo called the supramental being. It’s like the transition from the one towards the other.

But how will all this change? I don’t know.

31. May 1969 – Mother's body wonders: Shall we go on like this?

(After a silence) I can’t say (it’s inexpressible), it was something that contained horror, dread, sorrow – and a compassion, oh, intense!... Never, never had the body felt things like that. Besides, that put it in a rather... critical state for a few hours. Afterwards, it was as if everything, everything came – every single thing – with a Smile and a resplendent Light; as if (to put it into children’s words), as if the Lord were saying, “See, I am everywhere. See, I am in all things.” It was unbelievable – unbelievable.... But there’s no communication between the two.

You understand, that was when the body said, “What? Shall we have to go on and on with that? Must we... go on and on with that? The world, people, the whole creation – go on and on with that?...” It seemed... I suddenly understood: “Ah! That’s what they expressed as ‘perpetual hell’.” That’s it. It was someone who had that perception.

And all the methods – which we may call artificial, Nirvana included – all the methods to get out of it are worthless. Beginning with the fool who kills himself to “Put an end” to his life: that’s... of all stupidities, that one is the biggest, it makes his case still worse. From that up to Nirvana (where one imagines one can get out of it), all of it, all of it is worth NOTHING. Those are different stages, but they’re worth NOTHING. And then, after that, when you really have a sense of perpetual hell, all of a sudden... (nothing but a state of consciousness, it’s nothing but that), all of a sudden, a state of consciousness... in which all is light, splendor, beauty, happiness, goodness.... And all that is inexpressible. It comes like that: “Oh, here it is,” and then pfft! It shows itself, and hop! it’s gone. Then the Consciousness, which sees, imposes itself, and says, “Now, the next step.” So it’s in the presence of all this that the body had... never, never in its whole life had it felt such a sorrow, and even now... (Mother touches her heart).

Is this, is this the lever?... I don’t know. But salvation is PHYSICAL – not at all mental, but PHYSICAL. I mean it’s not in escape: it’s... HERE. That I felt very strongly.

But the body had a few very difficult hours. And to it, that’s always indifferent, it says, “All right,” it’s fully ready for dissolution or... There was no question of that; there was no question of that, the question was to... know how to receive the Cure. And what is the Cure like? – Inexpressible with our means.

But it’s not that it’s veiled or hidden or anything: it’s HERE. Why? What in the whole deprives you of the power to live THAT? I don’t know. It’s here, HERE! All the rest, including death and everything, really becomes a falsehood, that is to say, something that does not exist.

This, the awareness the body now has that all this is unreal.

If you asked the body, it would say, I don’t know if I am alive, I don’t know if I am dead.” Because that’s really how it is. For a few minutes it absolutely has the feeling of being dead; at other times, it has the feeling of being alive. The body is like that. And it feels that exclusively depends on... whether the Truth is perceived or not.

What does it depend on?...

(silence)

According to what others say or write or experience, I have seen that what the vast majority of humanity fears the most is this perception of the Falsehood of it all, and all that leads to it. I know people (they’ve written to me) who just these last few days have had terrible frights, because all of a sudden they were forcibly seized, something was beginning to touch them: the perception of the unreality of life. So that shows the immensity of the path still ahead. Which means that any hope of a solution near at hand seems childishness. Unless... things take place differently.

If things must follow the movement they’ve followed till now... How many centuries and centuries and centuries there have been... So the superman would only be one more stage, and after him there would be many other more things....

Yes, of course! That would be really convenient. Will it be like that?... That’s for sure, I wholly agree! And I would be very happy if it were anyone, I don’t have the least desire that it should be mine!